Thursday, November 11, 2010

what do I do


I’m scared of falling for him. I have never been in love before.

And he’s not mine to fall for, she had him first, but I have only known her for less than a year and shes never been the best friend, and she lies about him to make me jealous. She says she is still in love with him, but she broke up with him in February and he tried to get her back for months, she only wants him when she can't have him. But I’m not that girl, i'm not the girl who 'steals' their friends ex of three years, but she cant be his forever. And she treated him horribly he didn’t deserve it, but he did it to her too. Cheating lying and manipulating is what they do. They both hurt each other so much and I don’t want him to hurt me, I don’t know if I can trust him, but I do, my heart trusts him. Why. I have just been dragged into the big of this big mess.

He wants to be with me, he’s told me he wants me, he knows that we click. I want him too but is that only because I’m not allowed him, you always want what you cant have isn’t that how these things work? Or do I want him because I like him, I like talking to him, I like seeing him, he gets me, when I talk to him I get so excited, I tried ignoring him, but I cant I cant even bring myself to not text him back, because I want him. He didn't talk to me for three days and it killed me, I went off with another boy and he found out and got so angry, does he not understand he hurts me too. But will it be worth it? I’m scared of getting hurt and I will have lost a friend and him all for nothing, but is it nothing? I really don’t know what to think or what to do, he started it, what did he expect to happen? That saying ‘never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about’ just doesn’t work, the risk of people getting hurt is just too big, but you have to jump before you fall for someone, do I leap?

And then there is the other boy, who is so sweet and perfect for me. He had been there for a while but he was always with other people and our paths just didn’t cross that often. Hes nice but he’s not too nice, he’s interesting and I wouldn’t get bored of him and funny but he’s so casual I don’t know if it will ever be anything more, I would never want to hurt him but he could hurt me. And he’s living in the same city as me, not moving away like everyone else. Its just sparks and games at the moment, the games are fun but can only go on so long, and then what? So why do I still want the other boy more, what is wrong with me?

Who do I choose, what do I do. I want to be in love though, its all around me, I don’t want to be alone, I want to experience that feeling, its all part of growing up, I want my very own teenage romance. I want snuggles and winter days in bed together and someone to hold my hand and love me for me and kiss me on the head..

- T
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