Friday, November 26, 2010

my confession


leslie

I'm only young. But in my short life I've seen love, love lost and found, love shallow and true. This blog is beautiful, it helps me feel when I was numb before. I don't think you'll publish this, but I trust you to understand, and I need understanding. Here goes.

I don't know why I always do this. There must be a genetic quirk in my brain or something, because I genuinely can't help myself. He is beautiful. He is smart. He is gentle and sweet and sexy and moody and as close to perfection as I can stand. Close as I can imagine. We've never kissed, never touched even. But I am his. For sure, I am his. Whether he wants me or not. There is no doubt about that. I think he wants me too. I think he's close to wanting me, close to doing something about the way we are.
But this weekend. I made my mistake. The same one I always make. To be brutally honest and not in an arrogant way, I've always been the sort of girl with quite a few guys around me, but until this weekend I've managed to keep away from them. Managed to rebuff their advances gently and sweetly while never losing the dreamy expression that the one I belong to gives me. I woke up this weekend. I woke up when I fell asleep in his arms. It wasn't the right him.
I was at this person's house. I drank wine with his mother, and mine. Then they went to bed, he slid a movie into the machine. His house is a beautiful farmhouse in the country; cold and big. We were in the smallest room on a couch with a blanket and a coal fire in the corner. I don't know that I need to be explicit here; one thing led to another. He cradled me in his strong arms, he kissed me with his lips and tongue and teeth, I felt his heart pounding through the thin cotton of my shirt. He was lovely. It was amazing. But he wasn't the right him.
And now I don't know what to do. My guilt is crushing me- not that I really did anything all that wrong. He's not mine, I'm not his. Not officially. But if that's true, why do I feel so sick? This is my confession. I wish I hadn't needed something like this to make me realise how much I love him. Because now I don't deserve him.

I needed to tell someone.
I feel embarrassed, and stupid, both the user and the used, full of self-loathing. This is my confession.


I love you, Christopher, with every shattered piece of my wasted heart. I'm sorry for everything.

27 comments:

  1. I know you will get this a bunch... but dont feel sorry in the way that is self loathing and consuming... whats meant to me is presented as such. Love knows no boundaries. I can give details but in case the one and only is reading I do not want to upset the already churning waters. He knows you didnt mean to cause upheaval. Chris might or might not choose you. But what is really important is that you understand that he knows you acted from the heart. and I commend you for that. Do not ever feel bad about doing what you know to be in your heart. Love is the greatest thing that is displayed on earth today. you can only hope for the best, I hope some of my words are helpful. But again love is unpredicatable. but without risk, there is no happiness. Only passive acceptance. He could very well not choose you, but it doesn't matter. Because you will not have to wait in limbo which is a torture comparable to hell. with love, there is no rules. you are worth every confusing and jaded effort you think you have made. You are worth the love you want. Only action will dictate if he is the right one for you. 6.2 billion people, and you doing what you have is only ruling him in or out. You did the right thing. there is no wrong according to love. I hope this helps. Love is bigger than us all, we are only so fortunate to be able to sample it when we can.

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. I hooked up with someone in the same way, while talking to the boy I care about deeply and have had mutual feelings for for the last 8 months. I haven't told him yet, but I don't know if I should or will. We're not in a relationship, though we have both confessed to feelings. I stopped guilting myself about it, because it didn't and won't happen again, and after all, we weren't specifically exclusive.

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  3. beautiful story. i know exactly how you feel... like you i know the most amazing boy and we have never kissed or done anything but somehow i just cant stop thinking about him and fall for him everytime i see him. still after 2 years, 2 years of him having a girlfriend. i need to get over this boy because i just physically cant be happy with other boys and so i just push other boys away and keep them at arms length and i know its ridiculous but i just dont know what i can do

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  4. Your body is still sacred and will always be.

    Don't beat yourself up girl, you were just very vulnerable, maybe because Christopher has been letting you down...

    I've been in a very very similar situation...

    Allow yourself to make mistakes. And, your only mistake was that you were not faithful to yourself. Until Christopher commits to you, your loyalty is and only is to your feelings and your heart... No matter how strongly you believe that you belongs to him, he has to prove to you that he deserve you and your loyalty. You haven't done anything morally wrong. Just be aware of your emotional needs, so you won't do things that would hurt yourself.


    You are a wonderful girl and your body is still sacred, and will always be. Love your body, and be proud of it. Know that it's a huge reward to any man that you choose to be with.

    And... maybe you should consider the possibility with this wrong person? He did comforts your heart, I think.

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  5. Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments. I said that I needed understanding, and to have found it here is a relief I would not have been able to imagine. True love is not just romance or family, it's you guys too- good people willing to make a stranger who made a mistake feel better about themselves. Infinite kisses and hope for you all.
    From the silly girl who wrote this piece.
    <3

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  6. Now, there are lots of people that have already given you some advice, so I won't do that. Instead I'll say/write: That text that you wrote was (and still is) beautiful. It was perfect, you've got a gift for writing!

    Hope all goes well, with everything.

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  7. I think you probably feel bad because you gave up a part of yourself that you hadn't intended. Unfortunately we all do that in some way or another. But please don't let who you are be defined by your mistakes. Keep moving forward Elle.

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  8. I have to say, that´ve got nothing to say that can help you in any way, I don´t have any experiences, at all, even though I´m old enough to have tons. But I still have to say, that this was heartbreakingly beautiful. Your writing was so beautiful, It came straight from the heart!
    And You do deserve Christopher, and he deserves you, because in love we all deserve eachother! You did´nt do nothing wrong, though I know that t´s what you feel that matters.
    All wishes to you! ♥

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  9. it wasn't beautiful and neither was your act. don't fool yourself.

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  10. ^^ how is she fooling herself? she wasnt exclusive with christopher, and things happen. anddd she already feels bad on top of that. how can u try n make her feel bad. life isnt always black and white. theres lots of shades of gray.

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  11. Your blog really is beautiful. I love it. Its been an inspiration to me. Its been a joy for me to read your thoughts of happiness and heartache. Your writting style is classy and beautiful. Wonderful job. Remember what Liz Gilbert said "Ruin is beautiful, because you can make something new of ruin."

    xo

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  12. Petri Dish- Uh, everyone is entitled to their opinion I guess but to be honest, this blog is a place for love so I would ask you not to bring hate here on behalf of everyone who reads and submits here. No one enjoys it. And I would also ask you to consider if your own past is snow white- at least I'm admitting my own mistakes and trying to learn from them rather than righteously condemning others. There is no bad feeling directed at you, just maybe something to think about? Thanks.

    Everyone else- thank you so much to all of you. Writing is and always has been my catharsis, but now I know that relief can also come from an anonymous stranger who will never even see me but still goes out of their way to make someone like me feel good. You guys are truly something special, and I love you all in the very instinctual way you can love a stranger who smiles at you in the street when you're having a shitty day. Beautifuls, thank you so very much. I hope you all find love that's better than the movies. <3

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  13. I'd also just like to add: I have a blog. i'm not trying to use this as an advertising medium, but if you wanted to check it out, email me, maybe with some of your thoughts? I would appreciate that.
    Thank you babies <3

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  15. Hi, first of all its a very nice post, and very heart touching. yes i know u might be feeling very sad because u gave a part of u to some one who don't deserve u,i know it feels bad but try to be more strong and try to avoid doing this this again, if u actually find your dream guy then go and marry him and then do that, just be brave every thing will be all right.
    Well i started a blog recently , i know i am not a good writer but i am trying to write some thing for ma satisfaction, if u like it then be ma follower.www.defectiveseven.blogspot.com

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  16. No voy a dar consejos, pero pienso decir otra cosa.

    I am deeply impressed by these brave people who dare to express their thoughts, doubts and confusing feelings, the whom, moreover, do it in such a smart wonderful way of writing.

    Congratulations.

    Besos. Me encanta este pedazo de blog. (:

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  17. thank you for being brave in sharing your fear.. it inspires ^*^

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  18. I am amazed by the reaction of you all. Heartfelt thanks to everyone who said nice things about my piece, you are all beautiful people. If I could, I would give you all a big hug and an Ipad or something.
    <3

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  19. Din blogg är så fin och inspirerar mig så otroligt mycket. Tack för att du delar med dig av dina fina texter. Det har hänt mer än en gång att jag sitter med tårar i ögonen när jag besöker din blogg.
    Tack.

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  20. LOVE YOUR BLOG! I have wright promising comments about your blog!

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  21. Reading the story and the comments makes me wanna to share mine
    Great Great Blog

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  22. How Admirable of you. I wouldn't settle for someone because they're sexy or beautiful, but kind, giving, attentive and compatible in spirit and temperament with constancy and consistency. (my thoughts) I hope you find real happiness and Find your path. I wouldn't want perfection because the bar becomes too high for me. If you were meant for each other, it will happen. No fear.

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  23. You did absolutely nothing wrong, but your feeling bad for it just shows you how good of a person you are. If it makes you feel any better, I have done way worse to the only man I will ever love (with major regret and guilt, of course), and yet he has stil found a way to love me despite my past mistakes. If you two are meant for each other and if it's truly love, nothing can stop that love. I like what someone said in an earlier comment - love knows no boundaries. And it is so very, very true. Everything will be okay.

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  24. I don't know, something's a bit suspect. You love Christopher with all your "shattered" heart (and here's where the contradiction follows) but you're easily lured into being with someone else? All personality traits aside (needy etc) I think you might have some latent issues that you need to deal with, because I definitely can vouch that if you truly love someone, you do not have eyes for anyone else, because, well, you don't feel the need to. All you have is right in front of you. So..reevaluate your feelings and perhaps your relationship with your dad (loljk maybe), and maybe things can work out. I'm sorry, I just cannot have any sympathy but I do wish you the best.

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  25. Hm. I also find it hard to sympathize with you because I have a similar story to the one you posted, except I am in Christopher's position. and I still don't know what to do with the boy who ~cheated on me. but I have never been in love (with anyone else) or a relationship, so what do I know?

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