Thursday, November 18, 2010
i want him to be the exception
After years of disappointment, I finally decided to give up on the male species. No dating, no boyfriends, no love. I mastered the art of causality, distance, and feeling-less flings effortlessly. Anything emotional was always left in a mess, and someone's heart was always broken. I no longer wanted to, or I no longer could, be apart of that binge eating, tearful cycle of the broken hearted. So, I decided to never allow myself to fall into that vulnerable position of actually feeling something real ever again.
And then I get to college. You move in across the hall. We laugh at awkward run-ins on the elevator. We bond over our oddly similar favorite bands. You play me your guitar. It was much too surreal, how easily we clicked.. And it scared me. I knew where things were leading, and I wasn't completely comfortable going there. He saw my hesitation, but it did not stop him. And then the night came when he kissed me. It was halloween weekend and we were out dancing with friends. In that instant, all of my cynical beliefs on love, or really caring for another, completely disappeared.
I've never felt so happy, or excited to be with someone before. It was just so easy for us, so comfortable. Until his ex-girlfriend calls, exclaiming she wants to get back together, she really misses him. They had been together for 2 years, so I know she was a big part of his life. They had only just broken up a month before, and she also goes to school here in the city.. So a relationship would not be too hard to maintain.. He tells me it means nothing, it's just that she knows how to mess with his head. But, if she's still capable of messing with his head, that means she still has at least some of his heart.. right? Which makes me worried. I know it has only been a few weeks since we started hanging out, but with how things are going now, I would love to see those few weeks turn to months. I have never been so infatuated with someone that I was willing to get involved in a relationship, and risk the chance of getting hurt in the end.
The last thing I want is for him to be the confirmation of my prior beliefs– that boys are only made to disappoint.. I want him to be the exception, my exception.