Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I don’t know what to do

fernanda giannella

I not a jealous person. I’m really not. But when I see people in love, a hint of jealousy does flow through my body. I want it too! I can't even watch a romantic movie with getting irritated anymore.

I’ve been in one serious relationship in my life and I ended it. He loved me dearly but I didn’t feel the same way. The entire relationship was based on him loving me and me trying to love him. Yet I wouldn’t say it was a bad relationship. We we’re great friends and had fun together. I do look back at the time with him and smile, knowing that we share some sweet memories. The rest of my love life though has been one sad story so far.

I really don’t want to sound negative, but I just can’t help it. I must be doing something wrong. Very wrong. I think that I’m nice person. I treat other people well. I’m sweet and even funny occasionally. But nobody seems to be taking the bait. I’ve been played and made a fool of so many times that when someone shows me some interest I’m afraid it’s a joke. That he’s not being serious. That the minute I turn around he’s going to start laughing because he made a bet with his friends. Because, really, why would anyone seriously want to come up to me?

I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I feel good about myself. But those days often requires for someone to say something nice to me. Anything from “I like your outfit today” to “you handled that situation really well” will do. And honestly, how sad is that? That I rely on other people to feel good. I know that I should be the one making myself happy, not someone else, but I just can’t seem to get there. My feeling of self is not very good.

For years now, I’ve wanted a boyfriend. Years I’ll tell you. And I feel pathetic. For wanting it and for not having it.

I made one big mistake through my teen years. I’ve given the most precious thing I have away too easily too many times. Me, my body, my soul. I know now, too late in life, that a girl should never sleep with someone who does not deserve it. Am I making any sense? I feel like giving yourself to someone in that way is a big deal. A guy should work for it. Earn it. Don’t ever just give it away. I’ve had sex with guys that I really cared about and I wasn’t sure about how they felt about me. I’ve had sex with boys I didn’t know at all. I’ve had sex with boys I knew liked me but I did not like them. What ever the situation, I now know myself well enough to realize that this is not the way to go for me. At the age of 20, I made a vow to myself. I’m not going to sleep with anyone before I’m completely sure that he really cares about me.

This turned out to be quite easy at first. First off all, there wasn’t that many temptations and the few ones there were, I managed to resist. About six months in, I made the decision to travel abroad. I’m right now living in America working as a nanny. I’ve been here for 10 months. So you do the math. I’ve gone without sex, without intimacy, without anything for a really long time and I miss it. I need it.

I live in a suburb, I hardly ever go out, I work with kids. My chances of meeting guys are not very high so keeping my promise to myself hasn’t been too hard. But. And there’s always a but, isn’t there? I went on a trip with my friend and I met a guy. We just clicked. You know that feeling, right? I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before, not that strongly anyway. Sparks flew and felt like a million feelings at once.

We stayed up all night and we talk about everything and nothing and the whole time I’m thinking that he is the most adorable thing I’ve ever talked to. We talk for hours and I just want him to kiss me. When he finally does, I’m in heaven. But I’m also nervous. I haven’t been this close to anyone for so long. Do I even remember how this works? We get really close, really into it and I must admit I’m really tempted. I mean, seriously, I’m never going to see this man again. He is leaving town in a couple of hours. What’s the harm in a little fun? But I decide to stop what we are doing and tell him how I feel. That I don’t wish to be that girl. I don’t want to sleep with anyone, just for the fun of it. He is very respectful and sweet. He tells me that he really likes me and he wants to see me again. So we kiss and snuggle until he has to leave. And that’s really all I want. I just want someone to hold me.

Now here’s the problem. I live on the east coast, he lives on the west coast. So we can’t just see each other. I work basically everyday and he’s in school. And on top of that, I have to leave the country in three months because my visa will expire. It has now been a month since we met but we still talk everyday. When I finish working in two months I plan to go to California and see him. I can’t think about anything else than him.

But then again, what’s the point? I’ll have to go home no matter what. And I still have this voice in my head telling me that, maybe he’s just playing with you. Maybe he doesn’t really care as much as he says he does. Maybe he’s with other girl. All of those nasty thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. Because I don’t believe anyone wants to be with me.

I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of going out there. What if we’re great together and he makes me feel like I never want to go back home? What do I do then? I can’t stay. How will I ever say goodbye? How will we ever make a relationship work when I’m on the other side of the world? And there’s another thing. He has a 2 year old daughter. Is that something I want to get involved with?

And then there’s the other side of things. What if I go out there and he’s not really that into me anymore? What if he never was? I don’t want to stand there, looking like a fool.


  1. awww this is sad... :( but it's great that you did a change ^^ don't think too much, maybe this guy is different, think positive~ i hope you always feel happy <3 godbless you~ :)

  2. you HAVE to go see him!

    You will always think about this opportunity if you never took it, wondering what would've been! Please go, explore yourself, him, the two of you together, THEN you can do whatever feels right after that. America doesn't dissapear while you're at home, you can always go back!

  3. I know how you feel. I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I'm going over a thousand miles across the country for the spring semester just to see him and be near him. All of these things scare me too, and I too will have to come home in the end, even if he is the best thing ever. Yet, you know that if you do not go, you will always wonder, and perhaps regret it. I know I will, and that is what fuels me to go, nonetheless.

  4. The first part is totally my story.

  5. "in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.."

    take a chance. if you get hurt in the end, the pain will only be temporary, but the experience will strengthen you. and that hurt and that strength will only add depth to who you are as a human being. you can get over a broken heart, but you will always live with a "what if.."

    take a chance because you only live once and because in the end, love will always be worth it.

  6. I agree with allmysecrets above.

    What's life without a little risk?

    It may end in love, or heartbreak, or something in between, but you owe it to yourself to give this story an ending.

  7. love the cross-roads photo. very cool. x

  8. hey, just look at the picture below this post, and you'll get the answer right?

  9. I'm very familiar with your story - since I'm living a different version of it.

    You need to find a way to stop with the negative thoughts - anything worth every thing is a risk - always.

    You need to look back and think of the positives of everything you've been through. The more you beat yourself up about it - the further away you'll be from finding "true love"

    As for the guy - enjoy the moment - enjoy the now - the flirting the texting/talking - the missing. I promise you the journey is so much better then the destination - and you have to appreciate and enjoy both.

    I know this is a bit long - but I wish you the best. And know that no matter what happens - this guy has already fulfilled a higher purpose in your life. You are so into him, but you respected yourself more.

    No one can take that from you.

    Good luck <3

  10. You've got to go! Take a chance!

  11. give it a go. why to hesitate? you can lose nothing, dont you? i wish u good luck. so that at least you had it. cos i lost faith in my own luck and as i dont even have any more love opportunities from my life...

  12. Hey you .. give it a try. You can never know how he feels about you if you won't see him again. If you won't take the chance, you will regret it one day.
    As someone said before: just look down at the picture below.
    Good luck, wish you all the best!

  13. Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.


  14. I think you have to go and meet him once and talk to him about your feelings towards him ,the way you love him , and if you are ready to accept him along with his 2 yr old baby then i think you should make a move and talk to him about your marriage . Just think positive i think he is not like other guys coz of 2 reasons firstly you like him so much and you never felt this way before. And secondly he is a sweet and kind guy he respected your decision and didnt ask you to do "THAT" so just go ahead and all the best for your life.

  15. Stop doubting and start doing.
    So what if you go there and it doesn't work? At least you did it! At least you saw him, at least you know, there's nothing worse than walking away from something that could be amazing! This could be it, that one chance that you take that actually works out. Maybe it will be hard, maybe you're going to have to fight through what seems like a million problems to be together... but that's okay, life is a really long amazing story, and you have to decide if you want this guy to be part of it in some way!

    Stop worrying about looking foolish, you are only more foolish for worrying about it!

  16. Beautiful text i must say.
    I'm almost in the same situation as you. I've meet this boy. No, man. He's so wonderful, nice, carefull, beautiful and so much fun. I meet him on a festival in Sweden. I didn't fall for him beacause we we're at a festival. But he contacted me later, and guess if i was happy! I've met him a few months later because he was in town. It was great, and from that moment i started missing him when he got back to his town, far away from mine. But i don't wanna fall again, fall and get hurt. Like last time, i'm to afraid this time. I shouldnt be. Because then i'm gonna regret it.
    My friend told me last week to think outside the box. She said "what would you say to someone in your shoes?" That was easy, i would tell them to dare. To call, to go there. After that conversation i called him just to hear his voice, to talk to him - because everytime i do, i enjoy it.

    After all, what do you got to lose? At least you'd probably will have a great trip in CA, right? Talk to him, tell him a little bit of how you feel.
    I know its easy telling everybody else what to do and still so hard to tell yourself.

    Take care! Love!

  17. You know, it's amazing, these could be my words,every damn single one of them.

    I am in the exact same circumstances as you (minus the visa part!). Through the years I've learned that I'm TERRIFIED of making any decisions concerning myself and my life because I only make the wrong ones. Consistently.

    Things seem to go from one black cloud to another for me.

    I hope you make the right decision for you. One you can live with. It could be life changing, in an amazing way. But, you won't know unless you try. :)

  18. oh man, i so dont know what to tell you :-/

    but it was beautiful to read... thank you for sharing. i guess i think you should go for it... the worst thing that can happen is you stay in the exact same place you are now. the best that can happen is its the start of something amazing... so you really have nothing to lose, right?


  19. My personal opinion: don't take anyone's advice but your own. You know yourself the best. You know what you need, what you should do, where you should go from now. Trust your heart, but not to the extent that you forget what your head is saying. Best of luck.

  20. You'll hate yourself forever if you don't give it a try.

  21. Heyy guys, i recently started a blog and am just moving over from a different blog spot and was wondering if you guys would like to check it out. It's about living life to its fullest and its veryy similiar to this so pleasse check it out :)

  22. Do it because if he really is into you it could lead to something beautiful. Going long-distance is hard but not impossible. Plus if he was messing around, why would he talk to you everyday with everything else going on in his life. He knows you're far away, and that's you're leaving soon, why would he bother. I say take the leap and do it. Do it for your sake: it'll make you braver. And do it for the sake of those who didn't take the chance they had and have to live with the regret.
    You deserve to be happy!

  23. Something like what Anonymous said...

  24. dont follow your fears
    follow your heart

  25. Perhaps you're head is getting the best of you - telling you what it thinks you SHOULD be doing, or telling you what things MIGHT go wrong.

    Let your heart FEEL what it WANTS to do. To find someone you love, like or care about a little isnt something to be taken for granted. Whether its little time together in a country or little time together in life - love is a great thing to enjoy whenever or whatever shape and form it comes in.

    Just something to think about.

  26. I love your blog. I especially love your photos.
    I'm not really one to write on them, or comment - but I couldnt help myself on this one, especially after seeing this last comment.

    I agree with what that person said (gotsomethingtotalkabout) - but mostly paid attention to it, because my friend just wrote that person/site for a second oppionion about a similar problem. I was surprised to see they commented here too.

    Anyways. I hope you find happieness and love wherever in the world you may end up.

    - Diane.

  27. this has happened to me, one time with a guy, knowing youll never see him again. yet still one year and 20 days gone by and hes still on my mind

  28. I think I've got the same problem as you. We're both afraid of rejection...we want to feel what is love but we have this low voice in head that this guy is maybe playing with us...it's so annoying...but I wish you the best and maybe it's good advice not to think to much :) all the best ;)

  29. Imagine a stool with three legs. If you take one leg off, it can no longer stand. Imagine you are that stool and each leg represents something that defines you - one leg is the fact that you're a nanny, one leg is the fact that you're a daughter or a sister or a friend, one leg is that you're living abroad, one leg is that you're a [fill in something that makes you happy that no one can take from you because if they do, your stool may no longer be able to stand]. Does this make sense? Become your own person and be able to stand on your own through activities that make you who you are and also make you happy. You will soon stop overanalyzing relationship problems because you will be too busy focusing on the woman you would like to become.

    I too have been with several men who did not care about me. A wise man once said "only give what you can afford to lose." Imagine yourself sleeping with this man in California, then imagine that he never speaks to you again. Are you whole enough to handle such an event? Are you whole enough to give your love or even friendship to this person knowing the risk? Only give what you can afford to lose. This is the single best relationship advice I have ever received. Do not lie to yourself when asking yourself these questions, you will only harm, yourself.

  30. Go. The pain of not knowing what might have been is way worse than the pain on being rejected. So go. Please.

  31. I love this post. It's really true to everyone. Hope they will able to learn something.

  32. Ok - I knoow your probably tired of reading comments especially after dot see's;)(which actually had good advice in it!) but bear with me please don't get over jealous and start unecesarry fights just trust him and communicate with him

    Ps I hope evry thing works out more than amazingly

  33. Thanks so much for your post, pretty helpful material.


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