Saturday, August 28, 2010

wondering if it is worth it.


unknown

I try so hard not to give up on love. I see it all around me and all of my close friends have felt it, except for me. I used to have hope that one day it would be my turn, after all I am only 18. But every time I am presented with the possibility of love I freeze, and completely screw it up. I push it away before it gets too intense, I convince myself that I'm only going to get hurt and what's the point? I wont end up marrying this person, or probably even dating them for that long so why risk hurting myself. This summer I finally decided to take a risk and talk to this guy that I met briefly at school. We immediately hit it off, and kept in close contact the two weeks I went away on vacation. I was so thrilled and excited and ready to take a risk and let myself get hurt because I thought this time would be worth it and maybe I wouldn't get hurt for awhile or maybe not at all. I came back from my trip and immediately went out with him.

It was the best date i'd ever been on, I felt comfortable with him and wasn't scared or nervous about what was going to happen. After the date I was flooded with so many emotions I had never felt before, I was nervous and excited in a good way and couldn't wait to see him again. However, after the date all contact between us was forced and it seemed like he was blowing me off. I was completely flabbergasted, how could he be blowing me off after we talked everyday for two weeks and had this incredible date? Am I young and naive in thinking it was more than it really was? I tried to keep in contact because I didn't want this one to get away, I had let him in unlike anyone else before and didn't want to let him go.

It's been a couple weeks, we have barely spoken and any communicating is contrived and strange. I have given up, if he doesn't want to speak to me why should I speak to him? Any courage that I gained from the beginning of this relationship I have lost completely. I can't help but think, how is this fair? I actually risked my feelings for this person and where was my reward? Finally I am the one who tried my hardest to make it work, and I end up the one alone. Any hope that I have left for love is almost gone. Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it. Not everyone falls in love, not everyone gets married, who is to say that it'll ever happen for me? I was once told that if I want it to happen for me it will. But how can it when I try so hard to make it happen and it still doesn't?

I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life. But at the same time the thought of it barely slipping out of my grasp hurts so badly. Love to me is like a double edged sword and I am constantly wondering if it is worth it.

- S

61 comments:

  1. oh my darling, you don´t have to search for love, you have to wait and be open for THE love, and not push it. it will happen, you are so young, you have a life for discover, you just walk and say hi.

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  2. One word of advice from watching my best friend, "Never search for love. Love finds you".

    Someone out there will fall madly in love with you, you'll see. You're still young and so is the world! :)

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  3. As Mary (above) said, you're still so young... there's no need to seriously worry about love yet. There's still so much for you to learn in life and from the world, and you have to remember that self-development should come before love, because it is only when you truly love and understand yourself that you are ready to love and fully understand another person. Enjoy the journey, and have patience. Everything will be fine :)

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  4. You're 18 - so young. You are still at that stage where you are learning, maturing, changing. As stated in above comments, get out there and enjoy the world - go on adventures, travel, do things for yourself. Don't worry - love will come in time.

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  5. I think I wrote this in my sleep... Reading this was the most unsettling experience I have had here yet. Only I'm 20. But I'm still feeling the same sort of emotions - wanting to have a boyfriend, but only if he's someone I can see marrying. Wanting to get married, but also realizing I'm so young and can't force it. Pushing people away because I'm afraid of wasting time on the wrong guys, never finding right guys. FINALLY finding the right guy, having two PERFECT dates, letting my internal barriers down and thinking I just might go for it... And then he disappears. Just like that. No contact, nothing. Just... gone. Why? Now I'm back in school, nearly done with college, and wondering if I'm crazy.

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  6. This is seriously crazy. I came to this blog randomly from the lefashion blog . This post is signed with my initial well same ones as me haha. But Right now in this moment that post is EXACTLY my situation as well. For the most part. Crazyyy. I am so with you girl. I dont let the idea that people put around finding someone consume me but sometimes you do wonder when you finally go for it and then it falls through after you already had a guard up? it just builds more walls. walls that took forever to help get down. And I'm not naive eaither how can any one waste time with a guy while making excuses for him? I dont lie to myself eaither. I see things for what they are. Dreaming is great but some people think they can change others... It just doesnt always work out that way. I'm just as confused as you are with this and wish i could trust and risk more with love but also I will never settle and I hope you never eaither! we are young we still have partying and fun times ahead ;) gotta date a few wrongs before you find whos right..right?



    www.slynnsays.tumblr.com

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  7. Everyone keeps saying "stop looking for love, it will come when you least expect it"... but how do you stop looking? and if you, even if you don't want to, always expect love to come, will it never find you then?
    Hope is the thing that keeps me going, keeps me trying my hardest not to search for love. Because if I didn't have hope, then I wouldn't have anything.

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  8. Don't look for love, really, it will just hit you one day and it will be the most powerfull thing in the whole world :) Just go out for a walk, go shopping, work or go to school, be with friends, watch a movie... do other stuff, just whatever you do, don't think about it :)

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  9. Seriously, I don't understand when people tell me stop looking for love, when everyone else is. How do I "stop" this? I can't help my mind wanting to always be looking and wanting to find love. If you know the method, please do tell me bc I would genuinely like to know how to stop looking for love. I'm trying not to but it's hard cuz I can't help it.

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  10. I can sort of relate to this, only difference is I'm still pushing them away. I'm hoping I'll be able to open up completely to someone some day, but I still feel they should deserve it first...sigh, a few months ago a guy came up to me in a pub, he was really cute & funny, said he saw me at uni every Thursday. So when he left he sort of asks 'see you Thursday?'. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but unfortunately I misunderstood him when he said where he saw me, after about 4 weeks I finally figured out I was looking for him in the wrong place. The thing is, I think I do these things on purpose. I actually walked past him on a Thursday, and thought 'hey, he looks like that cute guy', but he was in the wrong place, so I walked on & he didn't even see me. I was pretty upset when the term ended that I hadn't seen or talked to him since that night. However, I thought I'd try and fix things, he would think I stood him up every Thursday, right? So anyways, I asked a friend who sort of knows his brother from in highschool if he could get me his email/number, whatever. I ended up emailing him. In short, I said I'd hoped seeing him again. Four months later, he still hasn't replied. I hate guys. But I screwed myself over & I'm thinking he sort of hates me/doesn't actually care anymore right now.

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  11. Probably talking with him seemed forced because there is no common ground? In my case, I can't seem to find the right things to talk about as there are just no inside jokes or any of these sorts.

    Just stay friends and let time tell. After all, it is always better to keep friends than to make enemies. :D

    Besides, it didn't go that far into a relationship to begin with. So don't get too cut up over this matter and stay open to love. :D

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  12. Some people are just late bloomers. I had my first serious relationship with a guy who I could honestly say I was in love with. I've gone through three relationships since then and am now happily engaged at 26.

    Like you, I spent my teens wondering what was wrong with me. Don't lose heart. We may wait the longest but end up with the best. xoxo

    Good luck.

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  13. I had my first serious relationship with a guy who I could honestly say I was in love with at 22*

    (forgot to add the age)

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  14. omg i can so relate to this post.
    recently i decided to let someone in and turns out he had me up as a spare wheel. What a jerk!?
    I still don't know if I am completely over it.
    I understand when you say marrige isn't for everyone and sometimes I feel that I fall into that category and sometimes I feel like where is he... I am tierd of patienly waiting!
    Sometimes I am happy where I am in life and sometimes at 21 I feel how could i have not even experienced love.... love that is genuine from both sides...even if it doesnt end up working out but just that at that particular time everything is right.

    -L

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  15. I'm 20 now , I still partyin' and havin' fun , I'm not lookin' for love 'cause I know that one day he'll find me , so when I was 18 like you , I didn't bother myself with this bullshit , one day you'll realize that it's not worthin' , live your life girl , you're very young , you have a long road to take ;-)

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  16. Some people start out really early and are in relationships at 15. For others, it takes a little longer. I use to over analyze about when I'd find love too. I was surrounded by couples. All my friends had someone but not me. It was lonely, it was depressing. Then I met a guy who I really liked. And he seemed interested in me too so I put my heart out there. He didn't exactly shoot me down but played a stupid hot/cold game and I didn't know what to think. After that, I was afraid to put myself out there again in fear of hurting and making a fool out of myself.

    Fast forward a few years, I've met a wonderful, funny, intelligent and loving man who doesn't play games. He says what he feels. We are engaged and soon to be married. I didn't even know he was coming and suddenly, there he was.

    How do you know when love comes knocking? Some people fall in love at first sight. Or there are those who have been friends and just didn't realize the person for them was there the whole time.

    It's different for everyone but I believe that when it arrives, you'll know. Just enjoy your life and stop stressing about when you'll findd the one. It'll happen when you least expect it.

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  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  18. I'm feelinf exactly the same. Wondering what's wrong with me coz it seems my friends all have these wonderful things happening to them. and me? nothiiiing..

    But reading the comments above do give me little hope, someday i could have that too. But it's just so damn hard to stop looking for love!

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  19. You know, love is always worth it. Even if the relationship doesn't work out. It's a learning experience for yourself or another person. I'm going to say that dreaded phrase, but it does "build character."

    I've been in three "failed" relationships, but they're not a failure if you learn something. If you experienced something you might have otherwise not experienced. In this case, you experienced that anxiety, that excitement, that amazing date! You experienced the elation, and then the deflation when he stopped being communicative.

    It's all worth it in the great scheme of things. It hurts now, but it'll be better next time, and if it's not, then it'll be better the time after that. The experiences are worth it.

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  20. I felt like this when I was your age. I think what people mean to say is, don't try so hard to look for love. (It's impossible to give up looking for it entirely). Don't think, if I'm not going to marry this person than what's the point?
    The point is you learn from every relationship you've been in and it helps you grow and be ready when you do finally meet that person.

    After High School, I decided I was going to give up trying to find love for awhile and just try meeting new people to be friends with. A few months later a made a friend, six months later we started dating, 3.5 years later we got married and are about to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary.

    Just concentrate on yourself, don't try too hard and everything will fall into place.

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  21. Don't regret this, because you pushed yourself to get out of your comfort zone and even though the outcome wasn't your ideal outcome - you know now he was never even the one who deserve you.
    It's always better to now what would happened than to never know and regretting it.
    Be strong girl :) and one day you'll be thankful for this experience. Think of it as a stepping stone. You are always one step closer for every heartbreak you feel!

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  22. I'm feeling the same, only exception I'm 21, so it's a little bit harder to deal with. Honestly I've had not "search for love" and complain about myself until now. I used to think that anyway I was not ready for a relationship, and I saw so premature to have o boyfriend at 14 or 15, for example; I've always liked to spend some time alone, doing what I like, reflecting about myself or things, enjoying the best part of solitude (because there is one, I swear). But now things are changed: despite of being still interest in lot of things, and despite of loving the time exclusively dedicated to myself, sometimes I feel alone, and that's awful. Day by day I feel a more strong need for sharing, for caring, for love. So I'm changed, I'm ready now, but the reality has not changed a bit: no one likes me, no one is interested in knowing me. I know, I am so shy, maybe I'm a little weird, I don't know, I'm start thinking this 'cause everyone seems to push me away, otherwise I like myself. But you know what the real problem is, in my opinion? That I'm ugly. And no one likes ugly girls, especially when they are in their 20s...So my advice to you is: if you are not ugly, be confident and hopeful, love will happens. Otherwise, be patient and learn to enjoy the solitude. Sorry for my bitterness, but that's what I think now.

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  23. Just wait. I know it's tough but when it does happen, it'll be TOTALLY worth it. I promise you!!! :)

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  24. Trust me, love is ALWAYS worth it.

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  25. This is so spot on to my life and situation at the moment that I probably could have written this myselft.

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  26. It is bigger and better than anything in the whole world, being worth it doesn't even come close.

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  27. Darling you're far too young to be worrying about this now - you should be having fun! I am 30 and have only just now found my love - it made all those years of wondering just fade away. It will happen when the time is right. Loosen your grip a little and just go with the flow - who knows where it will take you!
    xx

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  28. i feel u. same situations except im 25. kinda hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel after so many years of the same bs

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  29. I found love at 17 and we've been together ever since then. I'm now 27. I love him with all my heart and we are very happy together but sometimes, I wish I had taken the time to enjoy my life on my own a bit more. I believe that we need that time alone to grow, to experience, to learn.

    Don't worry about what everyone else is doing. Why is it that people you know are in relationships and you aren't? Because everything happens on its own time. Because we need to go at our own pace. You can't push these issues. Just live your life and let it happen.

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  30. Love is worth it!

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  31. Don't be so obsessed with love.

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  32. i am in that same way right now. i just remind myself that one day someone is going to come along and i'll know why it didn't work out with anybody else.

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  33. yeah i also tend to say people to stop searching love, not to push it in any way. but it's hard, really hard. it leads to becoming detached and hard-headed - at least that happened to me... i managed to forget about love, about its beauty and significance. i ceased on seeking a one. i'm 18 and i have never really felt anything. i have never been in a relationship. i have never really experienced a real kiss, a kiss being a consequence of strong emotions. i just feel sometimes I'M not worth it. like i don't deserve love, like i'm a too bad choice for anyone. a bit depressing, but as i said, now i'm so deprived of feelings that it doesn't even bother me that much...
    it's sad. but it's true.

    so what's the best bet? i still think it is to stop searching and living your life, so that u wouldnt regret anything in the future and had this impression that u took all your opportunities. it's undoubtedly the truth that not everyone gets their another half. i am under the impression that i'm an example of such person. it's so unfair...

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  34. Oh my dear. The moment when I started reeading the second paragraph, I had the feeling that the next paragraphs are going to be the pharaphase of what my love story is about. I am facing the EXACT same thing. I am twenty but unfortunately, still looking for a perfect one. I have been holding this huge strong feeling on a boy I met two years ago and the feeling never changes a bit. Last week ago, he asked me to be his girl, but it didn't last long. Yesterday, he broke up with me. Said I always made him upset especially when I called him only for the reason I miss listening to his voice. Right now, my heart is tore into pieces and what I could do is praying for someone else to pray for me. Just when I thought I have finally ended the wait for love, this all thing happen just before we had the chance to go out for a date. Please be strong my dear. God is always listening to us. One day, one day, the both of us will be smiling and the best thing is that, someone else will be replying to our smiles. I truly understand how your heart feels. It hurts and so does mine.

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  35. im going 28...when is love come find me....when's my turn to get married?

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  36. :'(

    Love is tough, really.

    I just broke up with my boyfriend.. and it's really sad.

    I really can't let him go, but, he's not being honest to me so I think I should at least leave with dignity.

    I had to break up when I still love him so much.

    (T___T)




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    Visit Me @ puddingberry.blogspot.com
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  37. I usually never comment on blogs but it's as if I wrote this post myself. Especially the last part:

    "Friends keep telling me that one day I'll find someone. Some how I don't believe it.

    I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful because the idea of love is all that keeps me going, I'm holding onto the idea of love being bigger than anything in the whole world and that it will completely change my life."

    Some people tell you to look for love with open eyes. And I try. Nothing happens.

    Others advice you to relaxe and let love find you on its own. So I calm down and think of something else. Love finds everyone but me.

    Then I'm told not to give up on love. So I don't. I hope, dream, and wait.

    But nothing happens. Love is nowhere to be found and love can't find me either. It's been 18 years and I've watched love find all of my closest friends - some just for one night and others for years.
    Please. Let it find me soon.

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  38. I PROMISE you love will come around and knock you down when you least expect it. And I really think it's a good thing that you are willing to take the risk. But guys are weird, you have to put yourself out there and at the same time let them work for it. I think you're a sweet girl and love will happen to you. It happened to me, I'm 19 years old, and I've also waited for everything to happen. Just try to let it go and just go with the flow, talk to guys and play the game and everything will go your way! Promise.

    xx

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  39. I think you already have love around you ( friends, family) it is just that is not the love that you want. You want the IN LOVE thing...
    And it will come to you, it will happen. You are so young... stop looking doesn't meant stop believing, it is just that on the moment where you are busy with something else in your life, or you feel good about yourself for something, achievements you have, goals which you made, you are fullfilled with something else which distracts you from love and there... bam sometimes it hits you...
    There are not many big loves in our lives that's why I think when it comes, it better comes good, otherwise the others are wasted energies which ok, make you grow, but often don't teach so much, don't leave a deep meaning.
    Don't look for love because you feel alone, but look when you are ready to open to the world, your soul is open, your heart is not afraid and you are strong... only in that way you will be yourself and you will be able to give and receive the best out of it.
    Good luck, don't loose the hope cause life is long...

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  40. Mabye he wasnt ready to take a risk yet like you cause he's gotten hurt in the past. You souldnt lose your confidence, just move on and try again mabye someone better will come along!

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  41. Oh late bloomer, the rumors were true

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  42. the exact same thing happened to me almost a year ago, it took a long time for me to get over it simply because i had taken a chance on him, i still see him around sometimes and its frustrating, but there will be others and it will get better, i promise.

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  43. dude, you're 18. there is so much time before you want to think of things like love and marriage. All your friends who are in relationships now will be broken up in a few months and they will be dating other people. Things happen, you will be happy one day. I am 27 and I think I have finally found the one, sometimes the loser bf's are worth it, cos they help you appreciate the good ones. chin up, you'll get there!

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  44. Girlfriend I hear you! When I feel like giving up on love I go to http://love.givesmehope.com/ and it help me keep waiting. It's not spam or an advertisement I swear just check it out you will be happy you did :)

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  45. Honey love is bigger than you and it will continue to hurt you because you love so much... This isn´t necessarily a bad thing, it just means that you will value that special person even more when he appears.
    Open your heart, worse than risking and getting hurt is not risking and not feeling at all.

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  46. As many above have written: Love will find you, dont worry, you are only 18 :)
    And stop thinking about the boy, he is just an idiot - you know - dont cry over spilt milk (as we say in Denmark) :) And keep remember that this boy is the stupid one - he lost you! Remember the person that you are, and think about that someone out there will be lucky to have you some day ;)

    //Holly

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  47. It could have been me writing this.. /klara

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  48. Hi there, I was like you at age 14 and I must say it is true love will find you. I met my boyfriend at 16 and I am happy with everything that has turned out between us. He is like all the other immature boys I dated when I was young. This love is real...yes we have had our ups and downs but it was all worth it to where we are now. This year was our 3 year anniversary and I never thought that at the beginning we would get this far. Just enjoy your single life at the moment because once you have someone you can't get it all back...although I don't regret everything. Everything happens for a reason you just have to move on, and look forward. The past is the past, and turns out to be someone you didn't expect them to be then it's their loss because they didn't know what they had. That's my concept each time things turned out wrongly for me. Just be a little patience because your God's gift will soon pop up one day in your life when you least expect it. God bless. xoxo

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  49. Hi there, I was like you at age 14 and I must say it is true love will find you. I met my boyfriend at 16 and I am happy with everything that has turned out between us. He is *NOT like all the other immature boys I dated when I was young. This love is real...yes we have had our ups and downs but it was all worth it to where we are now. This year was our 3 year anniversary and I never thought that at the beginning we would get this far. Just enjoy your single life at the moment because once you have someone you can't get it all back...although I don't regret everything. Everything happens for a reason you just have to move on, and look forward. The past is the past, and turns out to be someone you didn't expect them to be then it's their loss because they didn't know what they had. That's my concept each time things turned out wrongly for me. Just be a little patience because your God's gift will soon pop up one day in your life when you least expect it. God bless. xoxo

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  50. Sorry for all my errors in my comment I'm a rush to complete an assignment hehe.

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  51. Maybe you shouldn't care so much. Maybe you should just go out with lots and lots of other guys. Because only then you learn more about boys, love, your feelings and what you can expect from love.
    And believe me, you will find someone one day

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  52. THIS. this this this. I completely understand where you are coming from, you took the words right out of my mouth. I HATE when people tell you that love will come around soon, oh you're so young, you have so much time. I HATE THAT. i mean yes, there's years ahead of me, but who's to say that I'd be lucky enough to experience it myself? NOT EVERYBODY finds love. And though everybody tries to assure you, there's always that lingering doubt and fear of being alone forever. We don't know with full certainty if we're going to find love, so that despite countless reassurances from our friends we still can't help but think that we're going to be THAT ONE GIRL who's going to stay alone forever.
    I am so in love with this piece. This is so truthfully and beautifully spoken.

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  53. You girls searching for love seem so desperate. I'm a guy and girls attract me when they are carefree and confident and living their own life and building something for themselves. Girls that are desperate and seem to want to hurry things along just so they can say that they are "in love" just scare us guys away.

    Listen to the advice given to you by people that say to just live your life and let it happen. Those are the kind of women that we want.

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  54. that photo isn't unknown
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/emsweet/4545992307/

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  55. There's always a right time for everything. pray. :)

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  56. wow, this is so my situation right now... you are my age and everything.
    sucks that you're feeling that way too :( well get over it...in time. I promise.

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  57. it seems he always vanishes at some point.

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  58. your story mirrors mine exactly, from start to finish

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  59. It never comes along when you want it, when you look for it, when you actively seek it. It never materialises when you are looking to share yourself and parts of your life with somebody else.

    Only when you have stopped looking, when you've truly accepted your single status, when you're loving your own life and your own importance in it and when you don't see how anybody else could be fitted in....well, that's when you get it.

    You get what you want when you no longer want it. Which means, I guess, you never get what you want.

    I find this, my personal experience of love, extremely irritating.

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