Monday, July 5, 2010

tuesday


unknown

The ways she dumped were different each day. On Fridays I was her basketball, fiercely smashed into the ground, just to shoot right back into her arms. Or a boomerang she would throw as far as she could, so she always knew I would come back. On Saturdays she would ask me to sit down, look me in the eyes and say with a deep sigh that there just wasn't a future for us. That we were too different. It's not you it's me, or rather, it's not you or me, it's us. And on Sundays she cried, hungover on my bed, sobbing that she wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved someone better. And then there was the quiet day on Monday, when I took a time-out from our relationship and had a beer with my working mates and she would be at work, or at her place, wondering why I didn't call her. Then on Tuesdays things would be alright again.

That's why I knew it was really over when she dumped me on a Tuesday.

On Tuesdays she was normally normal. She was my sweet, laid back girl that would answer her phone and talk about her day when I called her. My best friend who would come over and watch TV and bring some snacks. That's why I loved her, her million different characters never failed to interest me. But now she was talking to me on the other side of the line in a thin, shaky voice, no tears, no swearing, just the words we can't go on like this, I'm sorry. And I felt like an idiot for not seeing it earlier. The rows, the tantrums, the tears, the swearing. But I had kept telling myself that this was what our relationship was supposed to be like, that we were supposed to be different to everybody else. Because she was different! She wasn't like anyone I had ever met before. So I had to sit down. And as I buried my face in the palms of my hands I started to think about her.

I thought about how I could never really figure her out, because at times she would lock her self up in her own little world, one I could never get access to. We could have been to the cinema and seen a film of her choice, and it could have been a sad one, or a fairy-tale with a beautiful ending. And she would be somewhere totally different when we left the picture house. She would still be in the movie, suffering together with the people in it, or with the shiny, happy people; the ones who got each other in the end, just enjoying the bliss, while I was back in reality, walking next to her on the rain soaked pavement. If some people have addictive personalities, she had a mesmerized personality. Plays, concerts, sometimes art, could just swash her off her feet and she lost all contact with the outer world and I lost all contact with her. I could sometimes find this mesmerization amusing, interesting, but lately it had got me feeling more and more left out. I found myself standing on the side of her snow bubble, knocking on the glass.

And I thought about her devotion to the music, her films, her books, her world , the crying, the mind games, the helplessness, the days she would be a blank battery, the days I would be a basketball. And I heard my friends voice. "She needs help."

Did she? Or would someone's help be the end of her the way I knew her? Was she broken and needed mending, or were everybody else just a little bit less alive?

And I thought about life before her, how my world used to be, what I used to be in to, what I used to think mattered. And I thought about how life would be after her. And my thoughts ran to how she made me see things from a different point of view, how I sometimes managed to see through the key hole to her galaxy, how tea tasted better when she sat opposite the dinner table telling me one of her stories, how times with her I then thought of as bad actually now seemed better than anything else I could ever see in the future without her. And my thoughts ran to her collar bones, her birthmarks, her ankles, her breasts, her belly button, the smell of her hair under the duvet and I though that I loved her, and I had to stand up, and I had to sit down again and I had to bring the telephone up to my ear only to put it down again, and I waited with my heart longing, impatiently, for Tuesday.

Sofia Capel

43 comments:

  1. Perfection. That's it really :) Just love this post so much
    http://mypeachprincess.blogspot.com
    Love,
    xx. Peach Princess ♥

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  2. so, so, so beautiful.

    exceptional writing skills! i loved reading this, so sad and frustrating, and a beauitfully depicted story. sounds like a movie.

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  3. Wow.... just wow. Tears... The part where she talked about her friend's thinking the girl needed help.. and how she just saw it as beauty.. as being alive was so beautiful. So beautiful.

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  4. beautiful. I enjoyed reading this : )

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  5. Stunning....

    <3



    pouncetiger.blogspot.com

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  6. Gorgeous portrait of your ex love. I could feel what you were talking about when you said you were "standing on the side of her snow bubble, knocking on glass."

    XO G

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  7. It just hurt my heart to read that... It felt so close to me. Actual tears here.

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  8. i just started,but i enjoy reading you

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  9. Well .. Now I'm in tears on the screen of my computer. The exactly same story i do take with my first love, and I can't get him out of my head. It feels like history, my background collapses and I can not breathe. I miss my past and my past is he, he's is probably everything i want to have in a man, a male version of myself.. someone who is not playing tricks with your mind and just be straight to the reality only now that's not what I want to have in my life.. all I want to have is the history back in life and that I can be happy with him not even as a couple just as two normally people who can say Hi or even a save goodbye..

    never stop loving him..

    PS. Sorry if some words are not correct but English is not my native language

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  10. Love this story, even though it's sad. I can recognize myself in this story...

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  11. Love reading this and the picture is so cute!

    xoxo Birgitte
    http://fashionaccordingtobirgitte.blogspot.com

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  12. this is so beautiful, and I find myself crying. I once knew a girl exactly like yours, and she was my best friend and I loved her more than anything. She was so special, not like anyone else
    I lost her.. but still, I love her.

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  13. so beautiful.. can't stop crying and admire you

    with love

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  14. I just loved this post, so beautiful, so honest... <3

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  15. so Lovely..it sounded like my it was written for me.

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  16. so beautiful and painful. having love, even with it's bad times, is so much better than not being in love at all.

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  17. LOVE this...such heartbreaking truth pours through the words! xoxo

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  18. owwwwwwww que hermoso escribes
    neta casi me hace llorar
    eres una de mis grandes inspiracones :)

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  19. It was weird reading this post. I kept thinking, god, I've lived this life, I've lived that love. I know what you mean when you say you miss her, want her, think that no one will ever be like her or that life will never be the same. And it wont, you are right. Some people do that to you. My ex-girlfriend, she did that to me and when we finally broke up after all the break ups before that, I thought I'd lost everything but in the long run, I just noticed, I gained more then I lost. Because she made me lose myself and it took me a long time to realize that no love, no person is worth that. Not even her.

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  20. What a post! I wish I could post like you. Nice gud job! :).

    Hi! frndz plzz must visit here

    computer solution visit here okkay!
    thnk U!

    www.Lmobile10.blogspot.com

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  21. omg, can't believe you guys published my story! :D

    Thank you so much for all the lovely words they mean a lot!! (especially as English isn't my first language and I'm guessing there are a few grammar errors!

    xxxxx

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  22. I absolutely love the photo!

    http://le-belle-cose.blogspot.com/

    xx

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  23. oh dear god this is, this is everything i can't articulate. beautiful.

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  24. I loved this the first time I read it in Sofias blog. It's so beautiful!

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  25. Sofia that was wonderful, I loved reading it.

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  26. just so beautiful and so painful.
    "standing on the side of her snow bubble, knocking on glass." <3

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  27. I've lived this, I've been this girl. beautiful.

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  28. Darling Sofia, you are indeed amazing.

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  29. i went through this too... only thing is, my Tuesdays never come. and she's still there in that snow bubble. and i still can't stop loving her.

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  30. This made me cry. It sounds ridiculous but the girl youre describing could be me, I lock myself away, I behave exactly like this. It's what destroyed my last relationship. Though, me and my lovely ex have accidentally found ourselves having Tuesdays and have had to bring ourselves to stop. You are a wonderful writer :) x

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  31. Beautifully written, especially the last sentence.

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  32. oh, how beautiful wonderful tragic romantic. gosh.

    sofia, det var otroligt vackert. fortsätt skriva. jag ska lägga upp en novell som jag har skrivit på engelska.

    bisous!

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  33. My girlfriend left me recently. As she cried, she cited an empathy and complete understanding of this article as the reason for our last, and final break-up.

    I thought to scour the internet head to toe for
    what she described as a woman whose exquisite need and passion for life does not fit in the realm of the rest of us who populate the earth.
    I finally found the article where"I sometimes managed to see through the key hole to her galaxy, how tea tasted better when she sat opposite the dinner table telling me one of her stories."
    I thought that answers to our breakup would make me feel better than the mystery. But it only intensified my feelings.

    Why is emotion, passion, zest, a reason to leave the woman who loves you more than anyone can comprehend?

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  34. tuesday is here again yay:)

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