Friday, July 16, 2010
6 months ago I didn’t know you.
I had a boyfriend who loved me and I was happy, even though things were rocky and I wasn’t sure if he was going to leave me. He kept hinting that he was scared we wouldn’t make it through college and I knew. I knew it was coming but everything in my world was so messed up that I needed to get away, so I took a long shot and went on that trip to New Jersey almost on a whim.
5 months ago I got confused.
I’d never been attracted to someone else in the way I was attracted to you while I was in a relationship. It was always a passing hot body, something to stare at and let pass. You were different. I wanted to know everything about you, I wanted to hold your hand and have it mean more than it meant when I did. I couldn’t deal with the guilt, I felt like the worst girlfriend in the world. My boyfriend was my one and only, I had loved him for five years. But we’d talked about it, you and I and you and him. And as you said, we were good people and we weren’t going to do anything except be friends.
4 months ago it got complicated.
I couldn’t not like you. It would fade, and then I would still miss you and I would text you all the time and call you on the phone as much as I could. And then I would see you again and it would all come seeping back in the hugs and the cuddlepuddles and the holding hands like we always do.
3 months ago I hit bottom.
He broke up with me, and you were the only one I wanted to talk to. And you stayed on the phone listening to me sob hysterically, dealing with the insanity of losing him, for hours. For as long as I needed. And I only found out so much later that you had wanted to tell me that night that you felt the same way that I did, the same way that you thought I didn’t. You thought I didn’t like you anymore because I had told you I had no feelings left for you. Because I lied to you. But you held back because of how horrible it would be to do to me that night when you had left here after your visit and he had left me.
2 months ago it started.
I went to see you on spring break and I had to ask you. I sat on the swing with you and I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to know what your cheek felt like. If it felt as warm as it looked in the sunlight, just like your golden hair and your warm brown eyes. And I had a question to ask you. And we lay on the grass and stared up at the sky and you told me. And I wasn’t panicked. I just had a lot of thinking to do. And I did as I sat in that dorm room away from you for that hour or so. And then we talked again. And then you kissed me. And then I asked you to be mine, without even thinking about the consequences or how it would work. We were too happy.
1 month ago it changed.
Somehow we went from our place of I-like-being-with-you-and-I-like-that-you-like-me-and-I-like-that-you-like-that-I-like-you, to I-want-you-I-need-you-I-love-you.
Now it’s all so different.
You’re my only. You’re my one. We’ve been perfectly in sync our whole relationship and even though it’s only been two and a half months it’s real. It’s real in that true love, give you anything, know we’re going to make it way. And every time you whisper, “mine,” in my ear and I respond with a whispered, “yours,” to you, I know. You are mine. All of you is mine. And I am yours, all of me, for every moment of forever. I gave you everything of me and you gave me everything of yours. For forever and ever.