Monday, July 12, 2010

putting this puzzle together


unknown

I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.

The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night on the beach, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. Your persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.

We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.

Our run-around has gone on for over a year, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you call me to tell me silly stories my fears melt away.

When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.

You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.

31 comments:

  1. This is exactly how I feel and almost the same situation. That feeling for that one person never really does go away does it? Even when you know it's near impossible for the pieces to all fall together. Good luck! I wish you well.

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  2. OMG this is Cory and I...last spring until now when he might actually be ready for this

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  3. Thank you. That is just...almost precisely my state of mind right now.

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  4. I know this cycle all to well. & try as I have to resist I can't help but want him to want me..there's times his actions contradict others; when he kisses you with an intense connection but won't let u too close to him, where ur constantly waiting on the words ( you know will never be said ) "be with me"..the butterflies never go away but somehow he does.

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  5. Good luck with your puzzle! :)

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  6. Wow, you took the feelings, the thoughts and the words that's been circulating in my head and put them together in to a very well written piece. I've been there, I am there and I want to leave it so badly. But I can't. Something is holding me back.

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  7. oh i know the feeling. at least i knew the feeling.

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  9. Oh I know your fears like there are mine. And I know your feelings full of waiting and hope and love. Wish you so much luck!!

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  10. wow. its just like i wrote this..
    except its not just women in my case, but drugs & alcohol too.
    i know he'll sort himself out & we'll end up together.
    good luck. <3

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  11. No matter how much you think that you have all the pieces in your hands to build this puzzle, the truth is the it works itself out. Give your heart to faith, life will do the rest.

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  12. i feel the same way... sometimes you are desperate, and start to doubt and want to know where is going... but then he does something nice or cute... that clear everything and makes you feel safe...

    LOVE IT! and good luck with your puzzle

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings... it made me realize I'm not alone in feeling this way for someone as well.

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  15. I'm surprised so many people can relate to this story, including myself.

    This is exactly (well somewhat) how I feel and I'm happy to know that there are other people in the world that feel it too. Like the song, "I want him to want me, I need him to need me..."

    Good luck girls! Our prince charming will realize it one day!

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  16. hey!! It has been really nice to read you, and I am agree with you...about not being able to control the heart and I think it is good in this way. Let your self flow and enjoy it!!!
    By the way, I love the pic of the couple in the kitchen it is just perfect!!!

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  17. this is why I love women. Spoken from the heart.

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  18. You just took the words right out of my mouth.

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  19. cant say anything.. speechless.. this is so me.. i fall for him (womanizer).. and yet.. now i'm stuck with a part of him who i love so much at this point..


    love, W

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  20. Stop being too afraid of things and learn to trust him. Leave his past behind and start loving him for who he is at the moment.

    Sit things down and talk about it. Don't worry about the repercussions and start living like there is no tomorrow.

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  21. I really do hope it's you LS. Love u .miss u heaps. Its killin me. :[

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  22. Wow! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels these thoughts about a close friend. We met three and half years ago on our first day of college. We hook up, don't talk for a week because its too awkward, go back to being friends again, and then do it all again. We work so well together, but like the boy in this scenario, he is a total player...but there is just something there so I can't resist! Good luck to all those in the same situation! :)

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  23. ThIs is AMAZING.

    Seriously. AMAZING.

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  24. ThIs is AMAZING.

    Seriously. AMAZING.

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  25. this was me for 2 years with my best guy friend - and then it finally happened! we are together and so happy. after all the tears and heartache and wondering if he really did love me, it happened. keep the faith. :)

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  26. I wish to see your puzzle together :>

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  27. This is a text that I think that every girl feel sometime but just can't put their words on it. But you just did. I hope your puzzle will be solved soon!

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  28. Wow,its great that you can be so clear and honest. Don't wait too long though, its better to know one way or another. Have a look at http://www.la-passion-life.blogspot.com/

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  29. wow... this blog is exactly my state of mind... its so difficult when your mind keeps on asking you these questions in a loop... and most of the time i deceive myself into believing its all going to be fine...

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