Monday, July 19, 2010
I hate what you’re doing to me.
I’ve become one of those girls I used to cringe at. I use to think it was a joke, girls and guys going out at my age. We’re only 16 and the chances are, we’re not going to marry out of high school, have a couple of kids and grow old together. That just rarely happens. So I never liked anyone. It was pointless, enjoy the single life while you’re young and when you grow up a bit, that’s when you think about relationships. But like I said, I’ve become one of those girls. It scares me. I’ve known you since I was five. I’m comfortable with you, and it’s been 3 months of liking you. A feeling of insanity that I am consciously aware of but can’t do anything about. I don’t know if it’s love. I guess it’s not. But it’s close to it. A girl stands in front of a mirror for half an hour each morning before school preparing herself to look good in hopes that she might see the boy she liked that day even though the chances were 1 in 10, it must be close to love, or obsession at least.
And I hate it. Because I’m not the only one that’s changed. You have too. You’re becoming a part of that group that I hate. Who only meet together because the idea of being friends with each other is appealing, not because you’re genuinely friends, it’s not what we had. You’re beginning to think too highly of yourself. You act too arrogant for me now, like it wouldn’t mean anything to you if I were to go away. And it kills me. I can feel the separation and as much as i hate you for what you’re becoming, i still like you. Every time i see you I fall right back to where I was when I saw you at the party and realized i liked you.
I can’t be wearing myself out for you. And each day I believe i’m becoming more like myself again. With each day that i think about you less, I know I’m leading towards what is better for me. But there are no days yet that I go without thinking about you. And the part of me that thinks about you doesn’t want to stop. And it’s tearing me apart. I literally feel this ache inside me when I think about you, how is that possible?
And then I remind myself that you’re becoming a completely different person. And maybe, once you fully develop into him, I won’t like you anymore, because he’s not the real you. But then there’s the fucking ache of thinking that i’ll lose you, as a friend. So what am I to do? All I can come to right now is to sit and watch this play out, and hope to God that you don’t disappear into someone else.
Please don’t disappear. Please give me a reason to stop liking you.
Please, stop what you’re doing to me.