Monday, July 19, 2010



I hate what you’re doing to me.

I’ve become one of those girls I used to cringe at. I use to think it was a joke, girls and guys going out at my age. We’re only 16 and the chances are, we’re not going to marry out of high school, have a couple of kids and grow old together. That just rarely happens. So I never liked anyone. It was pointless, enjoy the single life while you’re young and when you grow up a bit, that’s when you think about relationships. But like I said, I’ve become one of those girls. It scares me. I’ve known you since I was five. I’m comfortable with you, and it’s been 3 months of liking you. A feeling of insanity that I am consciously aware of but can’t do anything about. I don’t know if it’s love. I guess it’s not. But it’s close to it. A girl stands in front of a mirror for half an hour each morning before school preparing herself to look good in hopes that she might see the boy she liked that day even though the chances were 1 in 10, it must be close to love, or obsession at least.

And I hate it. Because I’m not the only one that’s changed. You have too. You’re becoming a part of that group that I hate. Who only meet together because the idea of being friends with each other is appealing, not because you’re genuinely friends, it’s not what we had. You’re beginning to think too highly of yourself. You act too arrogant for me now, like it wouldn’t mean anything to you if I were to go away. And it kills me. I can feel the separation and as much as i hate you for what you’re becoming, i still like you. Every time i see you I fall right back to where I was when I saw you at the party and realized i liked you.

I can’t be wearing myself out for you. And each day I believe i’m becoming more like myself again. With each day that i think about you less, I know I’m leading towards what is better for me. But there are no days yet that I go without thinking about you. And the part of me that thinks about you doesn’t want to stop. And it’s tearing me apart. I literally feel this ache inside me when I think about you, how is that possible?

And then I remind myself that you’re becoming a completely different person. And maybe, once you fully develop into him, I won’t like you anymore, because he’s not the real you. But then there’s the fucking ache of thinking that i’ll lose you, as a friend. So what am I to do? All I can come to right now is to sit and watch this play out, and hope to God that you don’t disappear into someone else.

Please don’t disappear. Please give me a reason to stop liking you.

Please, stop what you’re doing to me.


  1. I understand. : '(

  2. :( i completely understand what your saying... you convince yourself that you dont like them but as soon as your with them- all sense goes away.

  3. People are always changing, thats part of what makes it so hard :(

  4. Your blog is beautiful but I am sorry you're going through a hard time. Everything will get better as life moves on. :-/


  5. Been here so many times, and I probably will be again. I hope it works out for you.

  6. My "boyfriend" kind of one, the one who were my "soul mate", we used to say we were the same person, because we were a lot alike, broke up with me with an argument of "I wanna enjoy life, I know people who married after high school and regret it", we were so good and happy, it's not like we were marrying! Some days after that I just couldn't stop talking to him YET and I was the one runing after him, trying to give him a time to think, but he ignored me like a badass, I wanted him as a friend! And you know, some people just don't deserve being our friends, even if you love them so much, and all, you gotta move on cause people like that are like born to make you sad, even though there are amazing times and memories with them, they WILL make you sad, eventually...
    Hope you feel better!

  7. yeahh i totally know how you feel
    i can sooo relate to this..and it actually happened to me around the same time you posted your blog..
    yeahh it sucks..but what are you going to do ? you can`t do anything all you can do is hope for the best, be depressed and wait.. but then again, how long are you going to wait for.. life goes on.. and as hard as it is,sometimes we have tolearn to let go. believe in yourself, and if you feel that nothing is going to happen anytime soon,move on. and your still young, who knows what will happen in the future, don`t lose hope, and why don`t you try talking to him about it ?
    it wouldn`t hurt to try...and if he doesn`t start realizing what hes doing,how hes changing, and hes not doing anything to change...chances are he probably wont change and when that know that you need to let go.

    thankyou for sharing this.. it helped me in a way, i now know that im not the only one feeling the same way.
    ...good luck ! and don`t ever lose hope.stay strong.

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  9. Im trying to focus with your phrases " we’re not going to marry out of high school, have a couple of kids and grow old together."

    It was a wish n/a. Ussual the outcomes you would be proven by your self. You could rephrases it and set in you diary "I will come out to you, as a chandelier that always lighten you"

  10. I have a guy exactly like this. He is a piece of shit ass hole but I will always go back to him.

  11. my heart hurts now
    its weird because we always feel like our experiences are so unique to us but when we all go through the same pain

  12. you are a beautiful writer and i don't think anyone could sum up how i'm feeling better than you just did. but i can promise you it gets better, i think about him less and less every day. thank you so much.

  13. "A feeling of insanity that I am consciously aware of but can’t do anything about"

    Oh my God, that hit close to home.

  14. Hmm, it may be a little dumb, but you sound to be more than 16 years old.
    You are torn between your beliefs and your mind. I have had the same problem as you when I was your age, only time gets you out of this.
    You should start by trying to have reasons to hate him. It gets easy if you have good reasons to.

  15. Waooo! that is such a very sweet article...!
    its creating feelings in me... itz amazing..!!

    thanks for this nice post!

  16. I feel exactly what u are feeling, I´m in love with my best friend and he doesnt know what he wants. I have the same feeling of ache. It sucks!

  17. this post is so true. wow. just so true.

  18. When making a visit to this wonderful blog I was very happy where I had the knowledge of various information enriching. Continue playing like this work so that people can have the opportunity to acquire this information.

  19. I understand..keep faith, keep faith, I can promise you that if you add 6months along the track of little contact (if you choose so) it will get easier; other things will come into your life and act as natural distractions. I am 6months along the track and marveling at how it has become gently easier over time... I am 17... best of my thoughts & luck

  20. My friends brother is getting married and my friend has pressure now to marry his girlfriend. I hate when people are pressured into things that won't make them happy.


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