Saturday, July 24, 2010

open ended boy


kelsey reckling

I sometimes feel like I'm such a walking cliché. Being a commitment phobic doesn't make me seem edgy, more different or more complex. It's a fact, one I have had doubts about, but has just been called out on by my best friend tonight. He told me that he's getting concerned about how I seem to be falling into an easy habit of making out with everything that moves when I'm a bit drunk. As a girl who has just finished her first year of university, that's probably normal, but after he said that, I have realised it has become a lifestyle, one that is kind of hard to break.

I believe in amazing love songs, cry at the sappiest ending in films, write about relationships as a creative outlet...I want to be a writer when I'm older. These signs point to 'romantic', so why then, do I not let myself believe and fall all the way in?

I have fallen before, let my guard down, with a slightly emotionally unavailable guy I met in the dorms, I have fallen before, for someone who was bad for me, and I have tried to fall for someone who was nice, who was constant, but I ended up running anyway. I have recently fallen again, for a guy who lives halfway across the world, one who I may not see again for a few years. Half of his family lives in the same city as me, and the other half lives across the ocean.

We've known each other since we were thirteen, and we keep re connecting different parts of 'us' (if I can even call it that), whenever we can. Email, facebook, face to face. As time goes on and we try less and less, it becomes a shock to finally meet again, and to learn how much we have both changed, both physically and emotionally, and how comforting it is to realise that we're the same kids we've always been.

So from then we begin a two day commitment. Dinner, drinks, lunch, movie, phone calls, texts and skype sessions. We kissed for the first time, and he kisses just like I hoped and wanted him to, and somewhere along the line, the commitment phobic began to give pieces of herself she never really did.

At the movies, we just kissed, and held hands, and when I put my head on his strong shoulders, I felt safe, I felt stable. I felt like the feeling didn't send me running in the opposite direction. I have let my guards down before, but this time, it felt promising, instead of unstable. I don't really want to know what that could mean. How could a commitment phobic fall so fast in two days?

The night he left for the airport, we skyped for three hours and I ended up sleeping in the whole day afterwards, but I didn't care. I told him about my fear of vulnerability, of sensitivity, and he took it. He said it was normal, and during the conversation I kept telling myself to pull away, to not get too attached because I don't know when he'll be back again. He said it could be a few years; stupid colleges and sports.

I don't like commitment, I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them. So while I'm smiling at the fact that this could be left open ended, I am telling myself that there's no way we'll maintain this skype-facebook flirtation for long. I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love.

I know that he'll be at the back of my mind for a while, so while I do my 'single girl' thing, maybe there'll be a fraction of me that would feel like I'm cheating on someone who is halfway across the world.

I might just allow myself to fall someday, if not with him, then someone else. But him, my 'open ended boy', has taught me, in the span of two days, that maybe falling (if not cautiously) may not be such a terrible thing to endure.

28 comments:

  1. "I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love." You really hit the nail with that one! This text is me in so many ways.

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  2. "I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them." Those words are so honest it hurt my heart a little to read, but I'm sure it was even harder to share. Thanks for doing so.

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  3. Honestly, reading this sounds like every other younger-than-25 girl's story I have heard. I am all for love, I am not some man-hater (because I love mine) but don't make love or even zeal for someone so complicated. If you find you like someone, there must be a reason. If it's mutual, just go with it. So many of my friends in years past have questioned and second guessed themselves out of good relationships. Now they look back and ask themselves what they were thinking for dumping such a great guy. You are young still, if this one does not last, please don't hide behind the girlish excuse that you are too scared to love again because most likely you have not even begun to realize fully what love entails. Not trying to put you down I am just saying keep it simple and don't hide because you will miss out, I guarentee it.

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  4. Omg i can relate to this so much. And i have my own open ended boy too :)

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  5. It's really important to keep your options open while he's away.. Coz i only realised that after years of waiting. I wished i realised it earlier. Instead of wasting my youth away. You're a brave girl, for being able to share your earnest thoughts and articulate it so well.. Afterall, true love is ALWAYS worth the wait.

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  6. Such a great story! Good luck with the relationship :)

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  7. Meus parabéns o blog é perfeito.
    Eu sou do Brasil. e sempre, todos os dias leio o blog como estou fazendo curso de ingles entende a maior parte dos textos, Le Love alcança o mundo.
    Translation
    Congratulations the blog is perfect.
    I'm from Brazil. and always, every day I read the blog as I'm doing English course means most of the texts, Le Love reaches the world.

    PS. I hope you understand because my English is not good.

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  8. I hate that all posts I've read so far (obviously excluding the photo ones) were written by women. It's sad and unfortunate for us that men can't or won't express their feelings as we do. Maybe they don't even process them in as complex a fashion as we do. I find it sad, it makes me feel less hopeful to ever connect to a guy that way.

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  9. Holy shit. This is me. Everyone can see pieces of themselves in others' stories, but this is incredible.

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  10. ive been feeling like this... for the past 2 months. your two days for me, was two months. and i felt the same way, how can i fall in two months? he left 2 days ago,.. and is now about 24 hours away from me. i hate the uncertainty, of... how long is he going to be in my mind? when am i going to see him again?.... yeah, this sucks....

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  11. It's scary how I'm too familiar with these emotions myself.

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  12. Sometimes I feel nothing in the heart, but not all the time. When you can live with nothing inside you can take and leave, but if you need relationship to breath don't leave the opportunities.
    The love is part of us, these parts need physical attraction but then the consequences are rude, if you keep relationship longer than you can. The feeling is the same... nothing---

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  13. You've just described my whole romantic life, and why I push people away. Thank you for this. It hurt my heart, yet made it swell at the same time. I am not alone in this.

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  14. I really appreciate you sharing this! When I read the first part of this, I felt like I was reading about my own life. Like you, I was very much the drunken the makeout girl but during the day I'll run from anything approaching commitment or intimacy. And like you, I'm also ironically a romantic who loves love stories and sappy songs and films. You're story, in a way, gave me hope that I'll one day find someone i'm comfortable enough with let my guard down for. And it also made me realize that If i do want to find love, I can't force every guy I meet to try to boulder through the wall i put up around myself. I need to make a door, so they can enter.

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  15. I find it very interesting how people protect themselves from the one thing that everyone is waiting for and looking forward to experiencing. I fully understand your fears naturally i have my own that keep me at bay from men that may approach me today. I was in an abusive relationsihp that caused a bundle of new fears to over power my whole entire self.

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  16. I don´t know how to explain, how I saw myself into your story. I think, you´ll see if it deserve it to wait and keep in contact with this guy or not. I´m in the same situation. In another country, and I leave the strongest and more incredible love of my life in my country.
    In the begining I was feeling really confused about what the hell to do...we just started something after 5 years of great friendship, first of my coming here....
    But time told me the answers...now I´m here for 9 months, and about to finish this year abroad. I know, I´m gonna go back home and find my love!

    Just fight for it if you think is possible!!
    Best wishes!!!

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  18. Even with all the pain, love is worth it. There is no shadow without light and light without shadow. Be brave, take that leap of faith!

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  19. this was me before i met my boy.
    i was that drunken make out girl at each party. i want to be a writer. i didnt believe in love though. i love love movies but i never thought it lasted. i was proved completely wrong. true love does exist, there is "the one", the fairy tale stories are true. and it's true... you know when you feel it. it's just that he has to feel exactly the same way you do, and that's the hard part.

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  20. I feel exacly like this. Though, someone told me a romantic artistic soul needs to be tortured to create. I guess.

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  21. That is soo much cute article.... very nice to read this article!
    its has great feelings....!!
    thanks for this nice posting....!!

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  22. i really like your texts!

    but we all need some clichés about love

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  23. I have such a difficult time letting my guard down. I don't think I'm a commitment phobic, but I am allergic to clingy guys. I haven't been in a legit legit relationship, and I yearn to be in one. I'm sick of being dropped for other people out of the blue. I guess that's what I get for my anti-commitment from the past.

    xxo
    http://fashioncontagious.blogspot.com/

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  24. Thanks for posting this I can totally relate from this. Although, I just met the guy 5 days before leaving to go halfway across the world for good. It sucks when someone got a hold on you and you want to give in but a part of you still wants to pull away.

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  25. For so long I was told I had "commitment issues" because at 15/16/17 years old I wasnt involved in "serious" relationships like everyone else. Denying this only made me appear more guarded but it sure as hell makes everyone else feel better to have you finally "figured out". I am 18 now, crazy in love, vulnerable, and couldnt be happier. I wasnt scared of commitment, I didnt have deep seeded "daddy-issues", I was simply waiting for someone who was worth it.

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  26. Move. Let him boast about the University he is attending and then achieve the transfer to it.

    He's it. And if he isn't; you've had more than the rest of us saps ever have. Take it from an old man.

    Move.

    Nothing happens until something moves.

    Move.

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  27. you pretty much explained everything i had been feeling. thank you :)

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