Wednesday, July 21, 2010

love between my family

clarence chin

The last couple of weeks I'm start to realize some things I need to get of my chest. This is my story of the love between my mother and my father, the love between my mother and my stepfather, and the love between my family, or the lack of it.

As long as I can remember, my mother and father were never a happy couple. They weren't meant to be with each other. I never saw anything resembled to love between them. My father had some messed up issues, he made my mother go through a lot of shit. I was to young to notice, to young to understand. My mother was strong and at some day she decided to choose for a happy life with me and my brother, without my father. She needed to leave him in order to protect us. She choose for herself.

The three of us were a team. We'll get through this, like we always do. We still visited my father twice a week. We loved spending time with him. Especially me. I never understood his problems the way my brother and my mother did. Me and my brother were everything to my father, he'd do anything for his. The love he had for us was meant to last forever.

I've always respected my mother for her decision of leaving him and putting herself first. She did. She got a new boyfriend. Someone who loved her unconditionally and would do anything for her, this was just what she needed. After 8 years now, they're still so much in love I can't even describe it. They're a team. My mother and my stepfather are always sticking up for each other and can't spent one day without each other. Also, he was good for me and my brother, he's always been nice. I'm happy for my mother that she found love after so much shit that my father put her through. She found love and still after 8 years, she couldn't be happier.

As my mother and my stepfather were becoming closer and closer, I became to notice that in this process, she distanced herself from me and my brother. She puts herself and her new husband first, she choose him above us. I know this because the last couple of years the relationship I'm having with my mother is becoming to bother me a lot. We are not as close as we used to be. We don't share intense emotional stories, we don't share feelings. It never goes further than: 'What's for dinner?, How did your maths test go? Are you going out tonight? What ever happened to that guy you brought home a couple of times?' I know she loves us, she cares for us. But after everything she got through in her life, she decided to choose for herself. She found a new love, she is happy.

My mother is sweet and I'm happy for her. But it's hard when I don't receive the love I wish I received from my mother. There are days when I'm depressed, I cry myself to sleep. And she doesn't notice this. She has no clue what's going on in my life. And it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I try to share. I try to communicate with her. But when I'm telling her something, I just know that she's not focused, she's not listening. She just keeps watching the time and wishing my stepfather was coming home. Again, I'm happy that she found love again but I wish that she'd put some more love and attention in me and my brother.

My father on the other hand, was focused, he was listening. We connected and he understood me. He always got me. Whenever something was bothering me, he noticed immediately. It was nice having someone around who knows the actual me and gave me the feeling he would literally go through fire for me. But as I already mentioned, he had issues. He was a drug addict. 3 years ago he couldn't deal with this any longer and he put an end to his life. I miss him so much and I feel powerless not having him around anymore. It was a big loss, but at the back of the mind everyone was thinking: it's probably for the best, for him to maybe find peace in heaven, and for us to not being bothered with his issues anymore. My brother accepted it, my mother accepted it and everyone moved on, except me.

My brother is not dealing with this stuff the way I am since he is just like my mother. He's a rational and a little more cold person and everything's fine. I'm longing for more attention and love but since my father's death I'm not receiving this. There's no one out there anymore who knows and gets me the way my father did. He was able to dig deep with me, my mother isn't anymore as I'm feeling the way she's not caring for me the way she used to.

So I stop seeking for my mothers love and attention, I've giving up on her and I can't wait to leave this house. I would never show this, I smile, I don't want to give her anymore drama in her life. She is happy and she should stay this way. So I'm hoping to find the great love she's having right now and maybe there is someone out there who's able to dig deep with me and understands me the way my father could. I've dated guys but I never found someone who stuck with my long enough to get to know me. I hate this feeling. I hope, I dream about the day I'll find a man who does.

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