Wednesday, July 21, 2010

love between my family

clarence chin

The last couple of weeks I'm start to realize some things I need to get of my chest. This is my story of the love between my mother and my father, the love between my mother and my stepfather, and the love between my family, or the lack of it.

As long as I can remember, my mother and father were never a happy couple. They weren't meant to be with each other. I never saw anything resembled to love between them. My father had some messed up issues, he made my mother go through a lot of shit. I was to young to notice, to young to understand. My mother was strong and at some day she decided to choose for a happy life with me and my brother, without my father. She needed to leave him in order to protect us. She choose for herself.

The three of us were a team. We'll get through this, like we always do. We still visited my father twice a week. We loved spending time with him. Especially me. I never understood his problems the way my brother and my mother did. Me and my brother were everything to my father, he'd do anything for his. The love he had for us was meant to last forever.

I've always respected my mother for her decision of leaving him and putting herself first. She did. She got a new boyfriend. Someone who loved her unconditionally and would do anything for her, this was just what she needed. After 8 years now, they're still so much in love I can't even describe it. They're a team. My mother and my stepfather are always sticking up for each other and can't spent one day without each other. Also, he was good for me and my brother, he's always been nice. I'm happy for my mother that she found love after so much shit that my father put her through. She found love and still after 8 years, she couldn't be happier.

As my mother and my stepfather were becoming closer and closer, I became to notice that in this process, she distanced herself from me and my brother. She puts herself and her new husband first, she choose him above us. I know this because the last couple of years the relationship I'm having with my mother is becoming to bother me a lot. We are not as close as we used to be. We don't share intense emotional stories, we don't share feelings. It never goes further than: 'What's for dinner?, How did your maths test go? Are you going out tonight? What ever happened to that guy you brought home a couple of times?' I know she loves us, she cares for us. But after everything she got through in her life, she decided to choose for herself. She found a new love, she is happy.

My mother is sweet and I'm happy for her. But it's hard when I don't receive the love I wish I received from my mother. There are days when I'm depressed, I cry myself to sleep. And she doesn't notice this. She has no clue what's going on in my life. And it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I try to share. I try to communicate with her. But when I'm telling her something, I just know that she's not focused, she's not listening. She just keeps watching the time and wishing my stepfather was coming home. Again, I'm happy that she found love again but I wish that she'd put some more love and attention in me and my brother.

My father on the other hand, was focused, he was listening. We connected and he understood me. He always got me. Whenever something was bothering me, he noticed immediately. It was nice having someone around who knows the actual me and gave me the feeling he would literally go through fire for me. But as I already mentioned, he had issues. He was a drug addict. 3 years ago he couldn't deal with this any longer and he put an end to his life. I miss him so much and I feel powerless not having him around anymore. It was a big loss, but at the back of the mind everyone was thinking: it's probably for the best, for him to maybe find peace in heaven, and for us to not being bothered with his issues anymore. My brother accepted it, my mother accepted it and everyone moved on, except me.

My brother is not dealing with this stuff the way I am since he is just like my mother. He's a rational and a little more cold person and everything's fine. I'm longing for more attention and love but since my father's death I'm not receiving this. There's no one out there anymore who knows and gets me the way my father did. He was able to dig deep with me, my mother isn't anymore as I'm feeling the way she's not caring for me the way she used to.

So I stop seeking for my mothers love and attention, I've giving up on her and I can't wait to leave this house. I would never show this, I smile, I don't want to give her anymore drama in her life. She is happy and she should stay this way. So I'm hoping to find the great love she's having right now and maybe there is someone out there who's able to dig deep with me and understands me the way my father could. I've dated guys but I never found someone who stuck with my long enough to get to know me. I hate this feeling. I hope, I dream about the day I'll find a man who does.



  1. That sounds tough. Hope your mom realizes that you need her as much as he does. God Bless

  2. if you dont speak with your mom about exactly those feelings you have, you will lose her completely as soon as you move out. show her this piece. try to make her notice.
    your pain and anger about the loss of love will move you further and further away from your mother. and one day, when you'd be ready to talk to her and tell her about it, your own pain and anger will make it so much harder, they'll be like a barrier you can hardly get through.
    dont wait too much longer. go and tell her.

  3. I agree, you should tell your mum your feelings. In my experience communication is the key for everything and I think most of people respect communication from the heart is not about screaming to your mum and make some drama is about your feelings and they’re always important. Never keep inside these feelings otherwise you will not be able to move on in life and you will bring these feelings to your future relationships and that is not healthy and always forgive because we are humans and we are not perfect everybody has their own issues. We should try to understand each other and always talk from the heart without fear and giving always love because that’s what everybody needs. Love understands.

  4. i know its easier said than done with the advice people are giving you. and one day you will find the person who will take the time to understand you and your life. and it will be wonderful. hold onto that feeling and that dream coz he'll be there.

  5. It's such a sad realization when you find the love between your family has shifted in an odd way. As a child, it was hard for me to accept that the love between my mother and father was no longer there - or maybe it never existed to begin with.

    After their divorce, my mom moved away, ultimately to another country! It's saddening knowing that she has a whole other family with her there, while I see her maybe once a year or every two years. They know what her favorite foods are, what her habits are, and what she loves and hates. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here in complete oblivion, a stranger to my mom.

    Sorry for the long comment, but your story just brought up some thoughts of my own! You should try to communicate with your mom in a way that will get to her best. Maybe talking isn't the best way. When we verbally communicate, it's a little hard to keep our emotions on the backburner while we try to relay our message.

    Take care,

  6. This is just like my own story, except my father isn't a dead drug addict, he is an ex-alcoholic and I haven't talked to him in years.
    I have the same relationship with my mother, and this used to bother me a few years ago. We are not the types to share all of our feelings and I've come to accept it. We can talk about things normally, but not about deep feelings. It's okay for me, I can talk to others about this kinds of stuff, but I understand that it must have been hard for you to lose your father.
    I've been thinking about my relationship to my father lately, like how I would react if he died. Will I sorrow, will I care at all or will I blame myself for not keeping in touch with him when he was alive?
    But at the same time, he won't be a big loss in my life when he dies since I don't talk to him at all and never have been a daddy's girl.
    I cared for him, but I realized that he didn't cared for me at all, so for him not to hurt me, I cut him off.

    Best of wishes
    - Sandra

  7. wow it is very much like my story too. except my dad is into alcohol and living with another wife and her son. and my mom with her BF and his kids. They both left me when i was 17 and my mom took my little brother with her. i am still cool with my mom and mostly my dad. but my dad changed me for the other fam, and my mom keeps more or less saying that my dad is not really a good father. i have some thoughts as you do. check me out if you like.

  8. I am terrible at communication. My mother and I don't have a close relationship either, and it's hard for me to pretend like my life is okay. Sometimes I don't tell the people I care about most what is going on in my life, because I'm afraid I will cause them pain or sadness. Or that they won't care.

    After years of silence, I opened up to my mom- told her that I was tired of pretending our relationship was okay. I was shaking the whole time. And the response I got was surprising- she was trying to give me space. She wanted a relationship too. She was hurting and needed a friend. I was shocked that we could keep this from each other for all these years.

    I am not saying that this is the case for your relationship with your mother. But if there is one thing I've learned in life lately, it is that life is too short to not say what you feel. And seperating yourself from those you care about will only bring pain and silent suffering. Tell your mother how you feel- you may find that there are some things she has been wanting to tell you too. Open and honest communication is vital to any kind of love. :)

  9. this ain't a story , this is a real life that u have spent it u're grown up enough to figure out how to manage u're life with all these issues , but here my advice when u'll find a solution => let it be the "less damage" , wish u the best

  10. hang on and stay strong, someone will come for you one day.

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  12. I just relate to that feeling of wanting to find someone that fully gets me, knows me and understands without words sometimes. I really miss that too. It's really lonely without that.

  13. I guess I'm a cold person just like your mother and brother, but I feel that little attention from any of my parents is just fine so perhaps you just need to be stronger. If you stay weak and needy, even the sweetest guys wouldn't want to know you further, I think. I know people say love is unconditional, yada, yada, yada, but maybe you shouldn't be so 'desperate' searching for love and attention. Good luck.

    PS: Father complex isn't cool. Just my two cents.

  14. Well, it seems to me that you have had a particulaly hard time. Loosing a parent could never be easy. I think that every woman, and man for that matter, really wishes to be fully understood by someone even if they never had these kinds of issues - so, you are not alone in wishing to feel connected and understood. I know that you will get through this trying time in your life and things will get better for you.Sometime along the way I'm sure you will meet the right man who has the emotional capasity to love you the right way and accept you fully. One thing to remember is that your mother is still with you and you still have the opportunity to bridge this gap that you are feeling. If you were once close to her I'm sure that you could be again. It may take time because I have a feeling that the reason she is distant is because she is probably going through a difficult time, too. Even though she now has someone that makes her happy she may be hidding a bit from her feelings for her children and her ex behind this new love that always takes her mind off of the issues. If she once loved your father the ultimate outcome of their relationship probably is very hard for her to deal with and probably lingers in the back of her mind.
    Meditate, pray, and stay poositive and everything will be good again. :)

  15. Dear you, this was so hard for me to read, i got tears all over and my whole soul was in pain. I really just want to run and hug you, give you a bit more love, because that's all you need. Love, is such a big thing and we all need it.
    I'm so sorry about your father!!
    But you really need to talk with your mama, show her this! Please, do it! It would be so much easier and better, hopefully if she reads this. I think it will be a step to brightness.
    Stay strong and take care!
    - julia

  16. you sound like a very beautiful person : )

  17. This is heartbreaking but you sound like a wonderful person. Very selfless. I think maybe you should shoe your mother exactly this piece that you have written, because it seems to express your feelings very well and at the same time you come across as very understanding of the way your mother is. I think that if she read this not only would she understand better, but she would also be proud and affected by how empathetic and kind about her you are.


  18. This is heartbreaking but you sound like a wonderful person. Very selfless. I think maybe you should shoe your mother exactly this piece that you have written, because it seems to express your feelings very well and at the same time you come across as very understanding of the way your mother is. I think that if she read this not only would she understand better, but she would also be proud and affected by how empathetic and kind about her you are.


  19. I want to begin with that i read all of the comments above and each and everyone are very good advice!
    I have a very different realationship but still the same with my parents.. The love I get from my friends is so much more than all the love I got from my parents my whole life. It is not as I don't see the love, I would have seen it if it was there. And to know this - it hurts. A lot. My parents have put me through a living hell. Through so much pain that I wondering if I ever shall forgive them.. Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that with my parents communication isn't working. I have tried many times. So I had to realize that for my heart and my soul I need to be strong. I need to accept this is how it is and always will be. Sadly. But now I am such a strong person, and I am pround to be. Sometimes the only way to get through hard times is to accept what is happening and try your best to be strong and search for help wherever you can! Talk to your friends! Take risks to get to know more people and search for friendship in those! Real friendships are hard to find but there are bigger chance to find it the more people you know! We all need friends. And we all need people who are a shelter in our storms. And we all want to be there for our friends through their hard times.
    And what comes to finding love or well soulmate.. When I gave up on love. When I didn't care if I got love or not. I got it. A person who understands me and are on the very same level as I am. And I cannot be greatfull enough for this. And everyone who reads this do have in mind that love comes when it comes and it comes when you are not searching for it. I wish you all my luck and all the best!

    (I am sorry if my english is not readable, but I hope you all understand.)

    Much love//

  20. You are strong. You are brave. You deserve the love and I wish you luck in life and in love.

  21. you should speak to your mother before you loose her completly. i know its harder said than done because you don't want to interrupt her happiness or cause drama when you probably feel that she wouldnt understand anyway so it wouldnt be worth making it an issue. i always feel it much easier to write my feelings rather than speak about them, with the people that are closest to my heart. i think it would be a great shame to leave your relationship with your mother as it it, you only have one mother and father and before its too late, you should feel at peace with yourself that you tried as hard as you could to build a meaningful relationship with them. i believe you should never have any regrets, and if you let your mother walk out of your life you may regret it. your mother sounds like shes in a phase where shes forgotten what used to be important, which is understandable considering what shes been through. you sound like you are excusing her, by saying shes been through a lot. there is no need to excuse it, you just need to remind her of whats important. there was a period of time in my life for about 2 years where every night i would sit in bed and long for someone who i would have the most unbelievable, breath-taking, head over heels kind of relationship with. it does take time to find that person, but you should never settle for second best in love because the wait is always worth it. i would rather wait 2 years for someone that would make me so unbelievably happy and enjoy a lifetime of unconditional love, than settle for anyone and have an avergae kind of relationship. you will meet him and it will always be worth it. you just have to believe he will come and be open when he does. a milllion people walk into our lives all the time and most of the time we don't even realize it. just be open be compassionate be yourself and you will meet the right guy for you, just believe. faith keeps us alive. everyone has their own fairytale

  22. Oh sweetheart...I understand. And I am so sorry. I wish I could hugh you and listen, even though unconditional love from a stranger is never good when what you need is just for your mother to NOTICE something isn't right. BUt know that someone understands.

  23. Is the picture primrose hill london?

  24. Goodness, there is a lot of worthwhile info in this post!

  25. It won't work in actual fact, that's exactly what I suppose.


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