Wednesday, July 28, 2010

i don't feel guilty


ffffound

When I was seventeen I saw you at a friend's birthday party. It was black and red themed for some reason, and you showed up in black skinny jeans and a red shirt with a red indian feather in your hair. You were twenty two. I saw you from a distance and thought you were the cutest thing I'd seen. I asked your friends if you were into guys, and to my delight I found out you were. I was sloppy drunk and really wanted to talk to you, I spoke to you in broken spanish sounding foolish, but there was still some sort of connection. My friend was drunk and throwing up so I had to take her home..... but I mustered up the cojones to ask for your number before we left. we talked via internet chat and went out. I will never forget that first date. It was the best first date ever. You were my night in shining armor. Right as I got downtown to meet you at the movies when I told my father I was going out to study with my best friend, my car bellows smoke overheating and you wait with me to see my car towed and take me home, we shared ourselves. and you thought I'd blow you off after that because I'm pretty and young.

We shared an intimate romantic secretive winter together which I'll never forget....going out to 'study' all the time. I fell in love with you. Even though from the first day we met I knew you were going to leave me. You were moving to Europe for grad school. I was still in highschool, you speak four languages, dress well, carry yourself right, and are exactly what I want and treat me so well, like nobody I've ever been with before. You love me for who I am. Not just because I'm physically attractive, and you appreciate me.

You left me in January and moved to Italy, I was completely fucked up after that. More than you'll ever know. I drank more than ever. I smoked more than ever. I was practically catatonic. and then I start to get over you, and then I hear you have a new Italian boyfriend. I'm crushed. Time goes on, still not over you. I meet another guy, he lives in portland. We had a long distance relationship and he cheated on me and hurt me worse than you ever were capable of. And it only made me love you more because you would never have dragged me across the country to fuck me up.

You come in and out of my life for christmas and spring vacations because your family still lives here. I know you have a new relationship so I try to respect that. You've moved on. I haven't. and It's the hardest thing to be next to you and not be with you. Not to hold your hand or kiss you at a stop light, but I can't help but wanting to spend all of my time with you....you're leaving in a few days. And I'm glad we finally were intimate with each other again. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife....then again we've never been able to get past the first 20 minutes of watching a movie together. But you feel bad because you still have that Italian boyfriend...But I really don't. You have no idea how much I care about you. And it may sound immature, but..........I saw you first, and I don't feel guilty at all.

25 comments:

  1. :'( I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I hope everything works out for you and being an optimist I am going to say it will eventually *hugs*

    x

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  2. i understand the need to hold on tyo the one person who changed your life. You really loved him. I get the whole not being able to let go and making love with that one person. However, he was in a relationship and yes it is a bit immature that you want to hold onto him but i think you are going to have to let him go. if you dont u will be in a spiral down until you find someone else. I wish you all the best but i also hope that your Ex makes it in current relationship now that he basically did what your long distant boyfrined did to you. I hope you find someone who makes you happy whether or not its your grad stident ex or a new guy.

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  3. I wanted to like this story, but this person keeps talking about how goodlooking he is.

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  4. Awww

    At least you've been lucky enough to find love.

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  5. Waooo.... :((((
    this is soo sad to read this article....!
    article is very nice....!!

    m inspiring....!!!

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  6. This is one of the most honest and beautiful pieces I have read in here, the writer is only saying he is good looking because it matters in the story. The guy he loves appreciated him for who he is, not just because he is physically attractive. Do you have a clue how hard it is to find a person like that for someone who happens to be good looking? It is fucking hard!

    I loved this piece. And I agree, you saw him first, no need to feel guilty.


    Maja

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  7. At least you once had him. *hugs*

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  8. Lovely read.

    I gave this blog a blog award on my own blog:

    http://happydyingsun.blogspot.com/2010/07/drum-roll-please.html

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  9. Om my god, I actually got tears in my eyes because I feel so sorry for you.I hope and believe that someday you will get over him and only think about the good memories you shared.

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  10. i sort of agree but an above poster. i wanted to like this but it comes off a bit conceited when you more than once comment on your physical attractiveness...

    otherwise, i thought it was a heartfelt story.

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  11. id like to be you in this story, but im fucked up like that.

    im out.

    ps. good luck and let live.

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  12. this story is so real it left a lump in my throat....real emotions feelings and thoughts..thank you for sharing.

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  13. love the last lines, that totally made the post! xx

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  14. While reading this post, it was like I was watching the whole story play out in my head like some movie.

    Very touching.

    Stay positive & I KNOW you'll be feeling better soon.

    xx

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  15. Oh, I hope you eventually can start over and be truly happy with someone who loves you the way you want to be loved. You write beautifully.

    Love Frida

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  16. Hold on a minute, someone wrote "At least you once had him", and how the hell is that suppose to make him feel better?? It just proves that he has lost a part of himself. I mean, he still wants him. So knowing that he once had him does not make things better, only worse!

    It's a brutal world we live in. I truly hope that you find peace within yourself and that you find happiness. You deserve it!

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  17. </3 This is so ironic to me you have no idea. I hope you're feeling better about everything.

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  18. completely relatable. the worst part about love

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  19. I so know that feeling of "but he was mine first!" It's just so bewildering, isn't it?

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