Tuesday, April 6, 2010

why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?

from post author

We were my dream.
You saw me that first day of 6th grade, when I came for pictures, and your mind was set. You chased me through junior high until I caved in 8th grade & we became inseparable. You were my only one. We made it through high school; through the games with your number on my cheek, through dances, through homecoming court together, through changes in friends & family, we made it through it all.
We were different.
We fit together like God had carved us out of the same stone, only to find each other when the time was right. People knew. They could tell the depth of what we had. Evan after years, we never grew tired of each other. It was like I looked in the mirror & you were always by my side. You picked me up, cared for me, when my family fell apart. I picked you up, cared for you, when your plans & life fell apart. We had each other. High school sweethearts? No, it was long before that. College happened, you gave up your baseball scholarship to be closer to me, though I would have gone anywhere for you, and you knew it.
We grew together.

and then we grew apart.
When you left me, my body broke. It wasn't just a heartbreak, it was almost 6 years together, gone. And you found her. Two days after we broke up, you were on a date. My world was broken. I wish I could say that I went into 'girl power' mode, but that didn't happen. I dropped weight, I dropped classes, I dropped self-respect. You gained friends, you gained freedom, you gained her. Compare or contrast, I lost the battle either way.

Then I moved.
I'm a storybook character. I dropped out of school & I moved 2000 miles away. I deleted you from my phone, from my facebook, from my life. I moved on.

You found me.
In my dreams, in my nightmares, in my morning runs, you were there. You are embedded in my soul forever, the first love I ever felt. It rocked me. A storm had come, eroded away my being, and left me a ghost town of the past.

We found our friendship. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was the time, but we grew close again. She's still there. "I have a crush on her, but I love you," is what you told me. You did exactly what I hoped you'd do. You confessed that you still loved me. I confessed I still loved you.
Stand still.

Now I'm coming back. I'll be home in a month, you asked to be the one at the airport waiting for me. I hope you are. It's never going to be the same. We're not going to be together. You've strung me along for too long. She's still there. I won't be second best. What you don't know is I have everything you ever wanted, and you took advantage of it, then dumped me for something that didn't last.

I will always love you. I will melt when you say my name. I will fold under your pressure. I will cry when we separate. But I will leave.
You will not leave me, not again.

Have heart, my soul has mended. I will find my love. Not my true love, that was you. You gave it away. But, I will find happiness.
Love scares me.

Why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?
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