Tuesday, April 6, 2010

why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?


from post author

We were my dream.
You saw me that first day of 6th grade, when I came for pictures, and your mind was set. You chased me through junior high until I caved in 8th grade & we became inseparable. You were my only one. We made it through high school; through the games with your number on my cheek, through dances, through homecoming court together, through changes in friends & family, we made it through it all.
We were different.
We fit together like God had carved us out of the same stone, only to find each other when the time was right. People knew. They could tell the depth of what we had. Evan after years, we never grew tired of each other. It was like I looked in the mirror & you were always by my side. You picked me up, cared for me, when my family fell apart. I picked you up, cared for you, when your plans & life fell apart. We had each other. High school sweethearts? No, it was long before that. College happened, you gave up your baseball scholarship to be closer to me, though I would have gone anywhere for you, and you knew it.
We grew together.

and then we grew apart.
When you left me, my body broke. It wasn't just a heartbreak, it was almost 6 years together, gone. And you found her. Two days after we broke up, you were on a date. My world was broken. I wish I could say that I went into 'girl power' mode, but that didn't happen. I dropped weight, I dropped classes, I dropped self-respect. You gained friends, you gained freedom, you gained her. Compare or contrast, I lost the battle either way.

Then I moved.
I'm a storybook character. I dropped out of school & I moved 2000 miles away. I deleted you from my phone, from my facebook, from my life. I moved on.

You found me.
In my dreams, in my nightmares, in my morning runs, you were there. You are embedded in my soul forever, the first love I ever felt. It rocked me. A storm had come, eroded away my being, and left me a ghost town of the past.

We found our friendship. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was the time, but we grew close again. She's still there. "I have a crush on her, but I love you," is what you told me. You did exactly what I hoped you'd do. You confessed that you still loved me. I confessed I still loved you.
Stand still.

Now I'm coming back. I'll be home in a month, you asked to be the one at the airport waiting for me. I hope you are. It's never going to be the same. We're not going to be together. You've strung me along for too long. She's still there. I won't be second best. What you don't know is I have everything you ever wanted, and you took advantage of it, then dumped me for something that didn't last.

I will always love you. I will melt when you say my name. I will fold under your pressure. I will cry when we separate. But I will leave.
You will not leave me, not again.

Have heart, my soul has mended. I will find my love. Not my true love, that was you. You gave it away. But, I will find happiness.
Love scares me.


Why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?

55 comments:

  1. i absolutely loved this

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  2. so beautifully written

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  3. and airport is a bittersweet place. i see a lot of love there. and i see a lot of longing, teary goodbyes, big bear hugs, awkward greetings, clunky luggage, sweet smiles.

    it's a magical place.

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  4. I just had the worst night of my entire life and this made me break down in tears- so beautiful and so sad..
    I need someones help- I have tried to post my story on this blog to get help from people, real honest people that don't know me and won't simply say "move on" or " get over it".
    I had a relationship for five years on and off, he was my first and only EVERYTHING, no lies. We took a "break" 10 months ago but still saw eachother regularly and did everything bf and gf would do. Today he told me that I'm no good, I'm a slut and he hopes that I make some guy happy, when in reality I've never been with another man and am the farthest thing from a slut. To make a super long story short- I gave up my life for him and despite how much he tells me how awful I am I can't let go. I am devestated. He is with someone else and doesn't have the courAge to just tell me, he'd rather deny it. I'm in love with him and no matter how hard I try and how much I tell him, his response is always the same... "I don't want you in my life anymore, I am never going to speak to you again. Live a good life H".
    How can someone throw away five beautiful years, I've spent the last 10 months bawling, likewise that's what I'm doing now, when I should be sleeping.
    I need help- I have nobody to talk to about these things... If anyone Can relate or help in any way PLEASe do.... I've fallen apart way too many times.

    believeinmakebelieve@hotmail.com

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  5. beautiful. i find myself reminiscent of my own first love as I read this. It is amazing how good love can feel and how much ache love can bring. You are lucky to have had those six great years. Look forward to something even better in your future. :)

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  6. i can relate to this on so many levels. it's beautifully heartbreaking and i'm going through it as we speak. the first boy i fell in love with, hurt me twice. he left me and i was broken and then i gave him another chance when he came back and he left me again. its so hard to lose your first love because it's so raw and you're open and from that point on you're guarded and scared.

    good luck with everything darling, it will all be okay, for everyone that has lost their first love it is only because their last will be something so much better. keep your head up, much love.

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  7. This always happens, they leave us for something temporary and then come crawling back! I just got tired of it, not only am I young (20) but I refuse to let me heart be played with, He is the love of my life, but always remember girls... " I come before U" put yourself first! ALWAYS! XX

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  8. exact same thing happened to me. I know I will never love like I love the guy who gave me up for someone who was just there to fill the time while we couldn't be together. Life is pretty unfair.
    <3

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  9. Wow, totally understand how you feel. You write so beautifully and said it perfectly. I'm in love with your blog. Love Sucks! Even before I read your blog, I posted this as my Facebook status: "love is such a bad addiction. it gives you heartbreaks and tears. it makes you forget everybody else in your life and makes you forget who you really are. how could people love such a thing that keeps you off balance at all times? and yet people are still chasing after love. tsk tsk."

    sometimes I think some people know what love is really like. and some people just don't. They are the ones who chase after glimpses of it and always go "oops, I still love you" or "oh i realized i don't love them." :(

    artisticfarty.blogspot.com

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  10. Please, what world do you live in?! YES love is a beautiful thing. But for gods sake, why do you believe you have to be in a relationship to be happy, to feel love, to live life to the fullest..? jesus christ you all have to start seeing that you dont need anyone that desperatly, IT DOESNT MATTER THAT MUCH, love YOURSELF - thaaat is what you're missing - and you will be able to love the whole world, without having to OWN IT. LET GO! Work with yourselves! On your own! Figure out who YOU are! That other person IS NOT YOUR LIFE!

    Heartbreak? Be happy for the time you've had. You're a lucky person. You got to feel love, to be loved, to love someone. Its a beautiful thing. What is more beautiful is to let that other person go when you are done with eachother. You're not supposed to hang on to every single person you meet in your life. Some are there just for a period of time, and they will learn you something, as you will learn them. And that experience is good no matter how hurtful it is in the moment. Remember the good, GROW!!!! and LIVE YOUR GOD DAMN LIFE, its short.

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  11. I understand completely.
    Love is so scary sometimes.

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  12. 6 years is A long time, but the rest of your life is FAR longer. The sooner you're able to let go of the past, the better. :) hugs.

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  13. Eerily reminds me of my past.

    Finding yourself standing alone at the airport only to get a text message stating he'd changed his mind.

    3 years, 3000 miles...gone in 3 minutes.

    It does in fact get better with time and experience, but only if you decide that you want to move on.

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  14. I have a same experience as yours.. the only difference is my ex and I were together for a few months and we broke up because he fall in love with an evil bitch..He claimed that there is no more spark between us and opt for a bitch which is ugly and evil..

    Well, there is no point thinking about the guy as he is no longer in love with u, but another person..I know it is diffficult to move on since 6 years is not a short period, but neither it is a long period.. It's better to leave such a person who doesn't appreciate u, and move on to find another person who deserve your love..

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  15. I can relate to this so much. Although we were only together for a year. I felt so much happiness, heartache and pain thoughout everything he did to hurt me. Straight after we broke up he found the girl that he wanted me to be for a year. She is perfect for him. Although I assumed it was just a replacement girlfriend, a rebound. But no, they are still together after 8 months. I see photos of them doing the things he promised we would do, I cry when I see how much more he loves her. I think of him every day, as soon as I wake in the morning. I can feel the adoration for him fading ever so slightly though.
    Best wishes you to sweetheart, you sound like an amazingly strong women who is realistic. Go to that airport, put on your favourite outfit and show him what he is missing, but what he will never ever get back. xx

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  16. If you love someone badly, let him go. if he comes back to you, he'll be yours forever. don't talk about forgetting him, because you will not, you cannot! I have the same experience and i know what i'm saying.
    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/2010/04/ctrlaltdel.html

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  17. This was absolutely stunning. Heartbreaking, but breathtaking.

    Please don't fear love, know that with it, you're required to expose every fear and weakness, but it is more than worth it.

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  18. this story breaks my heart. how can one give up something that seemed to work so well? it just shows that nothingg in this world is safe. I've always feared love as well for this very reason. I simply don't believe it. there are too many temptations around.

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  19. extremely well written, keep it up =)

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  20. cannot say anything... it made me speechless. it's not love which is brutal. it's people...
    sometimes i'm happy i've never loved anyone that much, cause i guess i wouldn't survive this...

    take care girl!!!

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  21. I've had such a similar experience...thank you for posting this...

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  22. oh my god, this is heartbreaking ..
    even such a "perfect" relationship comes to an end..:(
    i hope you'll overcome this soon!

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  23. This is one of the most breathtakingly beautiful pieces of writing that I've ever read. I read it out aloud to myself and cried by the beginning of phrase three.
    I really hope all the best for you in life. Clearly, you deserve it.

    Love,
    U

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  24. i also had a similar experience. i fell deeply in love with someone and for two years i spent my life falling hard for someone who i thought dearly loved me back. come september i find out he had a girlfriend all the way across the country the entire time we were together....well ok..i should have walked then...but alas, i stuck around. he promised me he loved me and not her and he would end it with her...well..its april and she ended up moving out here and even after she moved here he swore he wasnt in love with her and it was me and he wanted to live together, get adog together, be together...he just had to show her it wouldnt work...well now he changed his mind...literally one day telling me he was in love with me and the next...like i was a stranger and he wanted nothing to do with me and that he was out of love.

    there is a fine line between passion and destruction..when the two cross, heartbreak ensues. i am sorry u have to feel this pain....i can completely relate :(

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  25. I am the female but I was like your boyfriend who did the breaking up. My boyfriend and i were inseperable from age 14 until 25 when I left him for someone else. I just couldn't imagine that I would only know one person and one way for life. Although we were soul mates in every way, I assumed that it would be the same with the next guy. How could I know differently since support and love was all I ever knew from a relationship? When I married the next guy, I knew I was breaking my ex's heart beyond human imagination. After so many years with my ex, who was with me from crayons to perfume; we grew up together in every way...I started to wonder about other guys. I was only in my 20s and everyone said it was normal. My ex recovered after many years of suffering and is now married with children. Fast forward to my life, and I will tell you that not a day goes by that I don't regret leaving him. I regret that I didn't marry him and I regret that I will never grow old with him. I'm now a divorced single parent and I have NEVER even come close to having the same kind of love and connection that I found at 14. I sort of feel like it's a cruel joke for life to have given me my one love at a time when I couldn't have possibly realised what that was. I am in my 40s and do not expect to feel the same again and I am ok with that at this point but Ive given up. I will never contact him either because he has a family. I only tell you this long boring story to let you know to be strong....he will miss you until the day he dies if he remains without you. What we had can't be replaced, no matter where he goes or who he meets. What you had can't be eclipsed. Know what you are worth and what you had was worth everything and be strong!!!!!

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  26. Oh God, I know how this feels.


    but is life, and he is not the only guy in the world.


    i do have scary of love, i think it's like a worldwide epidemic ... i had the same experience and 5 years later i still dream with him.
    Maybe that's what first love is about: prepare you for the reality, and reality sucks.

    Anyway i wish you my best, maybe this time it works.

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  27. heartbreakingly beautiful. ♥

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  28. Can you please let us know what happens!?

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  29. "But I will leave. You will not leave me, not again."
    I understand this too well x

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  30. that was so beautiful.nothing is like your first love. but i hope you find love again. a new and different kind of love.

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  31. No one ever forgets their first love. Very well put.

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  32. this is me and him. has always been me and him. the airport, the other ones that didn't last. and the feeling like my world stops when you finally see me again..wow

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  33. GAYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

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  34. how the fuck did he stalk her in her dreams!?!??! was she dating freddy kruger?
    was he in her soup too

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  35. she should of kidnapped him to show him how much he loved her

    i would of...........and have

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  36. I know exactly what you mean when you think "I will never love like that again" but congratulations for having the courage not to go back. I admire you. x

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  37. This was beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. ♥

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  38. I'm scared of meeting him again and being in the same position you are. Thank you for your story.

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  39. This made me cry tonight.

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  40. you write beautifully (:

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  41. this story gave me a boner

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  42. thank you for sharing. may your happiness you find evolves to be the truest love possible - for yourself.

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  43. true love means forgivenes. If he is the one you truly love, don't stay away out of pride.

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  44. you are writing my story, but with your words. I understand, I know, thats the only thing I can say.

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  45. Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful and useful information with us.

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  46. So, I do not really believe it will have effect.

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