Friday, April 2, 2010



I spend too much time writing about my sister. Every word though, gets
lost. Sucked back into the cavern that I am trying to write about.

That is the problem about writing an absence. The nothingness consumes the

My sister and I are not close.
There is one of my secrets, touch it gently.

So many siblings, so close. So much loyalty, and shared secrets. And I
move amongst them like a liar, a betrayer of the blood.

There is so little shared between us that in its minimalism it becomes
domineering. Overwhelming.

Please understand we are not antagonistic. We are perfectly, blandly,
devastatingly congenial. We can sit and watch Friends, and laugh together.
We can go grocery shopping together in our sweatpants and feel the same
embarrassment when we run into that guy that lives down the street.

Once, last summer, I was out with my friends and she was there too‹in the
same bar as me. The same dusky basement. I didn't know that though. I
found out because someone else mentioned she was there. When I asked her
about it she said she'd seen me. There it was. Bald.
You saw me, I said, but you didn't come to say hello.
Well, she said, no.
I see.

Now do you see?

We are bound by blood. There is an inherent loyalty. But there is no reason,
no relationship, no other support for the loyalty. It just floats there,

We don't trust each other.
I have put you outside of my life. And you have disappeared into yours.

This is our mystery.
My mystery. I try to solve it, with my clumsy words. But I am no scientist,
that is you. And you are foreign to me.

I do love you, my sister. I love you as my sister, I love in that whole
sense. Like a blanket, I wrap around you. I cannot love you in the
details, the micro‹but I will love you in the macro.

My love somehow betrays you.
I feel that keenly.
But the point is, it is love, after all.


  1. My sister and I are the same way. She lives 20 minutes away and has never visited my place.

    We can go to concerts and family gatherings and get along fine and have fun.

    We grew up ignoring each other. I still looked up to her though.

    Now I am growing more apathetic. Sometimes I forget I even have a sister.

  2. my sister and i live in the same house. we went to college together, she graduated a few years earlier than me (she's 3 years older)
    she always tells her friends how much she admired me and worried about me, but i don't get that.
    we do not get along well. at all. we are actually not talking to each other. she says the meanest things to me but to other people she says the contrary. i dont get it. but i think i'm used to the idea now.

  3. My sister and I don't get along most of the time. I ignore her as much as I can so she won't get on my nerves, and when she does, she pushes all the buttons just to get a reaction out of me, and we end up fighting. Literally. We are to unlike each other, I don't see an ounce of me in her. That makes us disconnected, I think.

  4. i bet you she feels the same for you.

  5. i love your blog!!
    it's sad to hear about the sister.
    my brother and i are really close and i am really thankful for that

    i like your pictures for inspiration for mine.

  6. After 30 years of knowing my sister and 3 of living together we finally got to a good point of understanding and respect. We care about each other, but it was difficult as first because we are very very different. Today I can say that we are very close and it´s nice to have that relationship with her. Things like you describe happen a lot, it´s sad.. I imagine your dissapointment, I hope you get closer some day or day you found other sisters in life.

  7. i bet she does feel the same way. become friends before its to late, and you regret not making upp.

    hey! so gave me a straightener to give away, its like worth $300, so enter! there isnt to many entries, so your chances are good. :). its the first blog entry, at the bottom of the blog. ♥smalltownchicc

  8. My younger sister believes that siblings are strangers brought together under the same parents/roof by destiny, so parents and children and siblings have to learn to live with each other. It's not taken for granted.

    My sisters and I are different for the most part, but sometimes when the similarities kick in, it's always striking to realize that no actual strangers will be so similar to me - in those aspects - ever. Well, except for the lifetime partner perhaps, but I have not yet met him so I can't tell.

    So I guess I agree with my sister's "definition" of siblings with a slight variation: siblings are same-blood strangers born to the same parents.

  9. Same thing with my sister. But maybe we're a certain way too close to each others because we still live at home. I hope, someday, when we're older, when she has passed those teenage things, we will be closer. At the same time, I know that we're so different, I don't know if we ever can be very close.

  10. You write really beautifully. There's so much emotion and feeling in your words and descriptions. I don't have any siblings but I imagine that it must be difficult and sad to have them and to not be very close. :(

  11. how almost made me cry. i feel the same way about my brother.. that loyalty that has nothing else than brotherhood itself to support it.. "It just floats there,
    disembodied." just like you said.. i guess we just grew up ignoring each other and the fantastic friendship we could've created. i see it but at the same time i don't de anything about it.. and it makes me so sad.. i just hope it's not too late

  12. I also have a sister and and shes 1 year older than me...
    anyways.. here it's the same situation, it's like we had to be together or share the same things and time just because we have the same blood ... because i know if it wasnt for that.. i wouldn't talk to someone like that.. probably.. it just happens.. no one chooses that, but you get used to it.And i also think its kinda sad.. but you cant be always sad just for that cuz it isnt your fault.
    My englishhh sucks btw xD
    But i guess you get my goes on... and i understand ehy you feel sad.. cuz i was in the same position, but that doesnt get youuu anywhere.

  13. you're not alone, really. I think I am like that with my brother, perhaps even worse. we hardly ever talk nor do anything together beyond family dinners where most of the noise comes from the scraping of cutlery. sometimes I wish so much we were close. even if we weren't, it would be nice if we could at least acknowledge each other. I don't know if he cares, though. maybe it doesn't bother him the way it does me.

    but perhaps, there is hope for us both :)

  14. hah, sounds familiar to me. we just talk from time to time, but share nothing. she doesn't know anything about me beside obvious facts and it's the same about my knowledge about her life, her dreams, her secrets, her plans... just about her. i don't know anything about her. it stopped hurting me a long time ago. i accustomed. and i don't any changes, as i know it'd be very artificial after living 18 years without a feeling 'i-have-a-sister-and-we-are-close-to-each-other'.
    people say it's never late, but in some cases it is too late.
    hope you will not follow my steps, wish you the best!

  15. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. My relationship changed all because of one dude. I confessed my likeness at the time to my sister about this boy. Little did I know she was dating him. Mind you she is 7 years older than I am and he was 3 years older than me. How pathetic. After I found out I can't trust her. Won't trust her. I've realized that she's an ugly person but I still love her by default cause she's family. Long story short, really glad I'm not the only one who feels this.

  16. This text touched me. Very well written. I have a sister. We used to be best friends.. but time changed that a little bit. Maybe we become best friends again someday.

  17. This broke my heart. I feel your pain. Blood is sometimes the only thing that binds. Is it love? It almost has to be because it can't be anything else. To admit otherwise, would just go against everything we know about family and relationships.

  18. There's a great deal of crap on this blog. But this. This is poetic.

    Who are you? I want to be your friend.

  19. it's the blood that we love when we look at our sisters. we see something familiar than ourselves and feel the need to protect it and make it our camouflage

  20. aww. this one shoots me. i dont know if i would be able to outgrow this kind of situation if i wer in ur place.. i'm really sensitive wen it comes to my family. i know it's so hard, i mean.. having the feeling of being apart emotionally to someone who supposed to be the one closest to you. i admire you so much for that. your strength and everything. God bless.

  21. Hi. I´m from Brazil. Loved your blog. It´s always reminds me how everything changes in our lives and we can´t hold the time. Today I´m 29 years and my heart is a little crushed... Of course I had great experiences. Once I was like you...
    You make me cry sometimes... 'cause I can see my relationship with my first love and with my sister written down... You have a special gift... You know how to put in words your secret feelings... Thanks for showing us this side of your heart.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...