Sunday, April 4, 2010

not because I deserve better.


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I broke up with you today. I broke up with you after five months together. Five months that to me didn’t mean so much.

I thought it would be an easy breakup. I would explain that my feelings had simply gone away; it had nothing to do with you. That was the truth. It had nothing to do with you. In never had.

See, you were the boy who was there to make me feel loved. Sure, you were smart, you truly cared about me and you were always there. But hey. You weren’t that funny. You didn’t dress very well. And you weren’t all that good looking. For me, there was no spark. I wanted that spark. I deserved that spark.

So I simply told you. I told you that my feelings for you had gone away. I somehow forgot to mention that I never really had had feelings for you.

You broke down in tears. You told me that you understood. You told me that you´d probably keep loving me for a couple of months, and that I would have to let you do that. I didn’t know what to do else than to wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your t-shirt. It smelled like you. Oh right. You smelled good too.

Then you told me you really wanted to be friends. I had been your life the past five months, and you didn’t know how to go on living without me. I told you I really wanted that too. That I promised to never let you slip out of my life. You let out a sigh of relief and told me how absolutely perfect I was and how much you appreciated your time with me.

That night I sat alone in my bed and cried. Cried because I realized that I had the perfect guy in my life. The perfect guy who I not only didn’t have feelings for, but had fooled to believe that I had. And so I realized that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. Not because I deserve better. Because you do.

48 comments:

  1. honey, you do too. because, while he may seem in some ways "perfect", he isn't the perfect guy for you. and you deserve that.

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  2. I think it seriously take a lot of maturity to realize something like that, so I congratulate you :)

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  3. i hate how this always happens! you know he's SUCH a good guy but for some stupid reason it's impossible to develop that spark. ugh.

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  4. This was already mentioned in a previous post, but I'll mention it again. It's cool if you feel like you didn't have that spark with the guy but for you to say he deserves better is wrong. If that were true then why did he decide to be with you? Why did he decide to love YOU? Fact is, his better, his best was YOU. Move on and be happy and I hope you do find that spark, but know that for that guy, his spark was with you...but I do give you credit though. At least you realized it early on, rather than later.

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  5. I feel like I wrote this. All they way to the five months is when I broke up with him. Its a tough situation but you did the right thing, because it's never right to settle. And it's better to do it sooner than later. He'll respect you for that. Best of luck<3

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  6. Wow. I feel like this was written about me. Only I was the boy.
    Kudos to you for telling him the truth and, as someone posted above, realizing it earlier on than later.
    It may not feel like it, but it is the right thing to do. If it isn't there for both of you, you both deserve better.

    Best of luck to you both. <3

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  7. Wow that was immense, deep, heartfelt. Its posts like these that keep me coming back even though my submissions are never accepted...

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  8. That is so heartbreaking. And true.

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  9. oh my! I experienced.. worst thing ever I had.

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  10. God, I know that feeling! But you deserve better too!

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  11. I know it seems like although there's a guy in the sidelines who on paper should be perfect for you, he's not. Don't feel guilty about that. There's a reason why he's not the one for you and your heart knows, even if your head doesn't yet.

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  12. Last night I had the exact same conversation, situation and everything, with my 8 years.. boyfriend, only that we live together, but I really thing it must be something out there, someone, that make me feel, the way he feel about me..

    I just love your blog, since I found it, i read everything! Thanks

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  13. my conversation with my 2years BF is comeing. I`m thinking about that already since autumn. Thanks god now we don`t live together, he moved coz of work reasons. and acctually then i realised that I don`t miss him at all, that I don`t need him.
    I is so hard to brake someones heart, who loves you so madly, who belives that you are not like other women, that we are family. And so terrible to realise that I am the one who was fooling him around.

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  14. Well this is sad, but I guess liberating at the same time...

    tweet tweet tweet

    x

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  15. That was really sad. Keep your chin up, it sounds like you did the right thing.

    lauren
    lrstewart0711.blogspot.com

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  16. I can't believe how the stories on this blog again and again make me go "thats exactly how i feel/felt"!

    and that, for me, is the beauty of this place - it makes me feel like I'm not alone in this cruel world.

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  17. Fucking love!
    It isn´t fair :(

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  18. "Not because I deserve better. Because you do."
    that's a truly amazing realization

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  19. Perhaps, there might be a chance in the future. Good luck.

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  20. Thank you for your honesty.

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  21. I have felt the same way with my boyfriend after dating for 6 months. As time passed by I thought the spark was either gone or never there...I guess it was when I started noticing his flaws and I thought I couldnt bring myself to understand those parts of him. I considered breaking up with him numerous times...but I decided I wanted to talk to him about it first.

    So I did.

    After letting that go, I felt a lot more comfortable being with him. I was lucky in that he took it well, and really cared about what I thought about his flaw.

    We are together still, and I am glad that I didnt let him go.

    It's never too late to go back, tell him you're sorry- the very fact that you think that you dont deserve him, that you care about him that much, is proof that you need to be with him.

    Otherwise all this emotion is just a regret for something that you've thrown away.

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  22. I was in a similiar situation and you did the right thing. You deserve happiness just as much as he does and it was the most considerate thing you could have done for him to end it.
    -all the best xoxo

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  23. i understand you completely, its a sad thing going from thinking "oh! its ok ill be free i'll go and fall in love whatever" to then breaking down and realising how much you truely wished you were in love with that person because there isnt anyone better but i guess you cant force emotions. its hard. + good on you for admitting and realising it. i hope it works out and you truely never do slip out of his life, i feel you need each other alot more than even now you may realise. good luck! ♥

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  24. I had a girlfriend who I wished did the same... we were together for 3 years and I loved her beyond belief... after the first year and a half I noticed things began to change... I fell more in love with her.. and she became distant.. I wish she just ended it then.. But she didn't and the last year we were together was absolute hell for me, But I couldn't break up with her. I loved her too much.

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  25. It can´t be better described in any way, any situation. No matter if you are the "I" or the "you". This is life, simply.

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  26. Oh hun, that's beautiful! Just remember (even though you may feel pretty damn bad right now) that you'll find that special love someday. But don't put too much effort in how he dress or his face. You know, that doesn't matter. Humour, on the other hand, he must have. He must be able to make you laugh when you feel like you do right now. All my love.

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  27. I can relate! I've had this experience 3 times now, thought it was just me xo

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  28. Legit, crying right now.

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  29. Wow! A page right out of my book. It's crazy how we can be so unaware and selfish at times. Yet we hate it when men do it to us...Makes no sense...

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  30. It's almost comforting to know that someone else is in the same situation as me.
    Almost.

    Stay strong, this will get better. I know they will. I hope they will.

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  31. That never happened to me, but i know that when we are unhappy, we take the maturity to keep on. Don't give up!

    I'm from Brazil, so if i wrote something wrong, don't care, becase i'm learning.

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  32. uhm, just me that noticed that she wrote '' i broke up with you today'' and in the end ''that night i sat alone in my bed and cried'' ?

    im sure you who wrote this wanted to write something really good and dramatic about what happend to you and your boyfriend, but the storie must fit together, it cant be two different timezones in one storie?

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  33. guess it's just that turning point when we all hope for the best, but that rarely does work out: it's when that first crush becomes or not something deeper, aka love. (And, well, for me real love has less to do with "the spark" than with smtg very different form that...)
    Unfortunately, the balance isn't always the same for both parts.
    Although I think it hardly could have been real love (from his part) in only 5 months (he's not to blame, it's the tendency of so many of us young people)... For it to happen the aura of perfection has to drop and the flaws become evident.
    I really admire your decision of being friends (what has always been a hard issue to me) and this time of friendship to come will help you both see things clear.
    All the best!

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  34. i can relate to each sentence except i didn't have the strength to break up with him. He was so into me and we moved in together over a year ago. He was boring like you said. In July, he broke up with me out of the blue and i haven't seen him since. We spent each day together for one year and then poof. I cried on the floor of the shower :) can smile about it now ) for months. Day in and day out. So its funny bc i never really liked him either but i have to admit it was most likley my ego he broke as well as my heart. It was a heartbreak. I never have felt so much pain. Question is. Id i never loved him why did i sleep with a broken heart for so many months?

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  35. He deserves the truth, you owe him that. At least you're being honest with him, it's better than being in a big fat lie. Hugs.

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  36. I'm in the same position as your ex. My bf (now ex) said the exact same thing to me. He said his feelings for me are gone. He wanted to still befriend with me. My ex has been telling me it has not been easy for the decision but he wanted me to have someone who truly will love me for who I am.... not someone who pretends to love me. He is still very upset about the breakup and I haven't been able to go thru a day without crying since the breakup.

    Thank you for your story, I can see and understand the situation from his perspective.

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  37. this is exactly what so many men are missing.

    they go out and be all nice and great when women don't get their vaginas wet over that.

    sorry for being crude but this is the god awful truth.

    your great guy is probably going to get his heart broken time and time again if he goes after any women of quality.

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  38. i just broke up with my 4-year boyfriend recently for the same reason. you're right. he's perfect and amazing but he definitely deserves better.

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  39. You couldn't have said it any better. The situation you've described is the exact one I had ended half a year ago.
    Except my relationship lasted with him for 6 months...and our friendship continued, only for him it'd never be a friendship. The more I gave him trust and honesty. he fell deeper.
    so be careful.
    xo

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  40. That is so beautiful. And u are right: you, him and everyone deserves a spark.

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  43. You also deserve someone better. Someone who could really love and support you forever. We're in the same state right now because I broke up with my boyfriend for two years. It's depressing because my world revolved around him. But I need to do this thing because our relationship's not healthy anymore.

    To heal this broken heart of mine, I've been going to a Thetahealing class where I get body and my soul healed. And I have group mates in Thetahealing class who are brokenhearted also like me and we feel more relieved because of the helpful procedures that we've done.

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  44. OK LISTEN UP MY GF DID ME THE SAME DAM THING! in the beginning she ask me to give her a chance since she like me for like 3 years but i never noticed her.so i gave her a chance an turned out we have very similar personalities an everything was perfect enuogh i swear.she said i was the perfect bg an had no complaints heck i did everything to make her smile.afte about 5 mths something horrible happen between our both parents an we cudnt see each other for like 5 mths.we promised each other that we wud wait for each other until we can be together we never even kissed anyone! all that was part of the promise.anyways just last week one of her friends told me what she did!!..an i tried my best to come incontact with her via her friends phn but she didnt want to talk to me .my hunch is either she is fed up of me or she is so ashamed of what she did as to not even have the guts to talk to me over the phn..What piises me off is that she did the shit! i held my end of the bargain..not to mention that we were both kissing for the first time.we even grew up as childhood friends!..i use to wrry about that girl form ths even to the point of me getting anxity attacks! thats jus t to show how much i love her! an meanwhile what does she do? she is somewhere kissing another guy i mean like wtf!!!!..i left as though a car ran over my heart about 100times! through pray an very good friends the heartache stop by why wud she do that i mean seriously! we were both under the same amount of pressure an i kept faithful!!man i think i deserve better!! up to this day makes about 5mths now she hasnt spoken to me.but her father told me that she still cares about me blah blah!! if she did den she wud have called to let me know whats going on!!! something ANYTHING!!! BUT SHE LEFT ME THERE LIKE AN ASSHOLE!!!i hope she gets this message! sometime..her father also said that it was the incident between my mom an hurs dat made her n0t want to tlak to me ..bull shit it only sounds like an excuse!! i sent her friend a text message saying that 2 years frmo now shes goonna regret what she did to me..after when i am a successful chef an everything is already going well for me!note she also wants to be a chef man i swear it was like perfect!! i jus dont know what went on in those last few months!! my mom told me that at least once in a lifetime everyone gets there heartbroken some point or another but still!! i really thought she was diffrent! she dissapointed my whole family! an dey loved her so much! so guys what do u think about that!

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