Thursday, April 8, 2010

my confession


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I don't know how it happened, how I went ahead and made my life harder than it usually was.

I remember being with my first boyfriend and how much I loved him then suddenly everything changed, I know I don't love him anymore or at least not as much as before.
After a 3 year relationship with him, I suddenly met someone who shook my world at first glance, and finally I felt new and great. We spent quite sometime together and I felt that he was the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, it seems he didn't feel the same way as he made excuses to not be with me, like: he was too busy with work and didn't want to neglect me. I kind of got lost in what he told me, I was sad as I felt my heart plunder down everyday.

A year passed by and I still felt love for him as I tried to lie to myself about what I felt and towards who. I finally told him again how I felt and he, again, replied in metaphors I couldn't understand. I was crushed again to the point I was no more. Staying cold and brokenhearted kept me from becoming insanely depressed, as another year passed by, I meet him again, we spend 4 hours talking to each other, walking and flirting, everything was fun. I knew I still loved him at that point, my love for him was still there, stronger than ever. But time won against my will, he left with a solid goodbye and I, once more, was left to keep myself from the brink of insanity with my broken heart.

Two more years pass by, and yet again we meet. We do the usual; talk for a long time, have fun and flirt and at that point I felt like he was that perfect man I needed in my life but irony struck into our conversation when I was left at gunpoint, at fault for claiming why he did such "kind" actions knowing he could never be with me, he stormed off and never to be seen again, or so it seemed.

Finally, 3 years have passed since that incident, I was smoking outside the place I work, and while he was passing by, I saw him and I felt his cold shoulder, the horrid pain of being nothing to someone who means everything to you. Since then I've tried deleting him from my memories, but as my mind forgets his face, my heart still remembers the pain, the only thing that actually made me feel human for once; the love I have for him.

Now I'm getting married to someone who I would never love with the same kind of love that I have for "him". I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or right, but all I know is that I love a different man than the one I'm marrying.

This is my confession, this is my redemption.

47 comments:

  1. i love reading these submissions; sometimes they are so sad and my heart goes out to them

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  3. i feel sorry for your fiancèe, he doesn't deserve this :S
    i do understand your pain, but please don't do this to this poor guy, if there's no love there whatsoever, a marriage will not last and it will be painful for both...

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  4. Wow, I feel as if I am following in your footsteps, from the 3-year relationship with the first love to meeting someone after who rocked your world and broke your heart constantly, no matter how much you wanted to let go. I'm actually sitting here writing this right after he's broken it yet again. One of my greatest fears now is that I'll settle for someone because I don't want to end up alone. Or that I'll never find someone I feel just as strongly for.

    No offense, but even though we have the same beginning and middle, I hope we don't have the same ending. But I hope you find it in you somewhere to believe that you'll find something wonderful one day.

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  5. I read your beautiful to somepoint sad story! Please do not marry or spend one life with a guy that you do not love! That will make both of you unhappy sooner or later! Believe in yourself that you deserve something mutual!A mutual love!
    All the best! Hopefully you will make the right desicion!

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  6. You might have listen to this before, but why not put some effort to love yourself before loving someone else. If you fail to understand the importance, it's the same even if you be with someone you feel like being, regardless that whether he is the right person.

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  7. why are you marrying someone if you don't like them? :/ don't settle for less.

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  8. do not marry, if not for love.

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  9. If you don't love him at all, you shouldn't marry him, but there are different kinds of love. It's different with every person you meet. You will probably never experience the same feelings as you have had for this other man but you might get close to it.

    Marry him if you love him more than half as much as you love this other man, and if you will be happy with him. DON'T marry him if you still got a chance with the other or if you don't love him. If it feels right, then go for it, if it doesn't, don't.

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  10. .. I wrote a comment before. I can understand you completely it is your own life, your own decision, your own feelings and emotions.. but think that marriage is a serious matter and you should marry someone that you trully love and of course the man love you as well. It seems to me that with the other man, that was coming and going out of your life, was not the "right" one. A man that has emotions for a woman tries not to loose her.. I am in a doubt that the man that you are going to marry is the one! I wish you good luck! I hope that your heart is going conquer over logic.. and find soon the happiness that all are looking for! Wishes from heart

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  11. I have to agree with Lula, if not for your sake, for his sake, don't do this to him, he doesn't deserve this...

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  12. you know the feeling of being hurt by someone you love...no? so why are you doing the same to someone who loves you? don't marry him, don't be selfish and deceitful. your fiancé must know everything. A lifelong sacred relationship is about to begin, so don't begin it with deceit.

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  13. I think I'm the only one who says you should marry this guy. He's probably wonderful, careful, he might as well love you the way you don't love him. I think you just love the other guy because you could never have him. It has happened to me before. Marry this guy and give him the best of you; love isn't forever.

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  14. This is why the divorce rate is so high. I'm sorry for what you went through, but just imagine what more you'll go through if you marry someone you don't love. It's not fair to you or your fiance.

    I can't even imagine how heartbroken I would be if I found out my spouse was in love with someone else on our wedding day, even if they ended up loving me later on. No one should have to go through that.

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  15. I know exactly how you feel. I've been in love in a girl I can never have for three years. We had a short summer fling two years ago, and we pretend like nothing happened. I have done everything to forget her, but I just cant. We didnt even talk to each other for over a year, and I pretended like she didnt exist. It didnt work very well.. I cant forget what we shared. Maybe because deep inside, I dont want to. So now I have decided, to either go all in for her, or move on. We have to tell them how we feel. We ow it to ourselves. Its honest, ridicoulus, and scary, but what else is life worth living for? Dont't move on until you know for sure that hope about the "one we cant have" is gone.

    Wishes from my heart

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  16. ohhh chick it's sooo late now! you replaced that guy with your fiance, cause you hoped he would make you forget about that guy! but he didn't... your marriage won't change anything. you will still keep thinking about your real love. i think it's not impossible to fall in love again and to love entirely another man - but it's not your fiance who would provoke a butterfly feeling in your stomach... you're deceiving yourself and your fiance, both of you is going to be hurt. think it over once again. please, just think it over.

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  17. honestly? like move on I don't know why women spend soooo much time on someone who obviously has no intrest in being with you. He doesnt want to be with you! On the other hand I wouldnt marry anyone that I wasn't 100% in love with. You'll find better. Move on.

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  18. First off, i agree with Tuck a few comments back. You need to learn to love yourself before you even think about taking a step. You basically let a guy walk all over you, no matter how amazing or sweet or handsome he was, he was still a jerk for the mere fact that he continuously led you on and broke your heart.

    And now you're basically marrying a reboud. No, no, no. I hate when i see girls moping away after a heartbreak, not trying to do anything to better themselves because they think they won't find better. Well i sure as hell hope we all find better than our first love that turned into an asshole, or that guy we loved so much but hurt us repeatedly. And it's a big, big world, i know someone out there is going to make you so much happier. But that's not going to happen until you love yourself first.

    Honestly, you need to get it together, you need to stop wallowing over the fact that you lost this guy who you loved. I am going through a really tough heartbreak too but i can't allow myself to just hold my life back and settle. Please, please, please just try to move on. Dont marry this guy, think about being in his shoes- would you want someone that you loved so much to marry you and find out they don't really love you that much at all? It's sad.

    I hope you find a way, somehow. I hope your heart heals and you find the man you are really meant to be with. Stay strong and live life for YOU.

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  19. Ok, so...I met a guy when I was engaged to my husband. Fell madly in love with him but I was getting married in a month and it was this huge thing. So I still got married. 7 years later - I still love this guy. So - go ahead and get married if you want to resent your fiancee because he's not that guy - if you want to be sad, lonely, etc. If you want to wish your life was different everyday.
    But, on the other hand - this guy you love clearly wants nothing to do with you or he would fight for you and you wouldn't be in this situation. So, you can either settle for someone who you don't really love - or try to find someone you will, because you will eventually.
    Either way, marrying this random guy is going to backfire probably.

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  20. you sholdn't get married with someone that you don't love. This guy that you're in love,doesn't deverve you fellings. You'll find someone who really cares about and will chatch you

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  21. first off: do not settle for anything less than butterflies.

    second: do not marry someone who you do not love & adore. in the end, you will end up hurting him as well as yourself.

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  22. When you divide the memories
    Outside the photo booths
    Relax your cause
    Relax your feeling
    And choose not the one that you want
    But the one they just handed you

    Bright Eyes sang this and I think they're damn right... don't let your feelings decide over your life. Like this great photo said LeLove posted before: Guard your heart.

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  23. do not marry him, please. it's not fair for someone who loves you to be in love with another one.
    you can wait, your love will disappear, i'm sure. everything ends. but i think the reason your love for him doesn't disappear it's because you've never felt his love for you, you've never felt he loved you, so you miss that, and you want that.
    that guy doesn't deserve your love, cause he does not appreciate it. give it to your fiancee.

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  24. I think, the only way in which what you are going to do wouldnt be good, is if you are not sure of what you feel for this new guy, because getting married isnt just a simple decision it means a lot! means finding the person with which you want to spend the rest of your life... so i think you should take that into a count as well as all that compromise.
    And i also think is kinda normal still having those feelings for the first guy, cause you were in love!! and that means you really felt things for him! thats why you cant take him outta your mind but
    anyways you got to keep moving.. and forget about him, for good.

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  25. Thank you for this very beautiful post. This is a hard confession that I'm sure many can relate to. I believe in love but I also believe that love isn't always fair and sometimes you can find yourself falling for the wrong person. What do you do when you are in love with someone who doesn't love you back but you know deep inside, he is the only one you want to be with. I believe that everything happens for a reason and you must stick with your gut feeling. That being said, I don't think you should marry your fiance. It would not be fair to you or to him. This marriage is not meant to be. Never was. I know being alone is never the desired option, but everything great is worth waiting for and ONE DAY you will fall in love with the man you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. You just have to be patient and believe he is out there. If you do decide to marry your fiance then I wish you all the luck and happyness in the world! Try to see the good in him and try to forget about the guy you used to love. It is better to be loved by someone then to wish for someone to love you. Because the man who doesn't love you doesn't deserve you.

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  26. Why are you marrying him if you don't love him?

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  27. I want to say, I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation and I have tried to move on and no matter how hard I try, this one human being seems to have taken a part of my heart and brought it to life, like no one before. I know I have to let it go and the only thing helping me do that, is learning to love myself and work on myself. I am doing those things that I love the most, and at this stage they are the only things getting me outof bed, for example my photography. I dont want to say its easy, nor to just get over it, because the heart is such a rare and precious thing and no one can put a measure or understanding on love. Sometimes its not as easy as just "getting over it". I can only say let it go, but if you dont love your husband to be...let that go too. You will find in time, someone else will come along, and they will ignite your heart like this other guy did. There has to be someone else. Dnt just settle ....wait for that magical feeling, it will come...I am trying to convince myself also as i write this. I feel your pain, every inch of it. "the horrid pain of being nothing to someone who means everything to you." i understand this to the very core. Please dont give up, you know how good it can be with someone, wait for that other someone to come along, it will if you just wait, and by this I dont mean that guy, but another one. A new one, created just for you.

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  28. Oh the courage it took to share this, bravo you brave and candid soul.
    The heart is a precarious land that each one of us must travel into.
    Which ever route you need to follow to ease, to fill, to give, follow it.
    Explore, claim and be well, you daring and honest soul.

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  29. i think you should go out and look for the man you deserve and not settle for less. You should be happy, you deserve that.

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  30. If the person who submitted this read this I say you marry the guy. It's hard and to most it's immoral to do this to someone else, but you will eventually "love" him.
    Love isn't what we think once we're married. After a while the passion leaves and all that is left is respect for your spouse. I know it sucks, but all that fairytale love the media has been feeding doesn't exist in the real world.

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  31. To KT thats bullshit its up to the people in the marriage to keep the passion alive. If all you have is respect for your spouse then you shouldnt be together.

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  32. look for your real love, and if you already found it, fight for it, or work on it with your girl power;)

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  33. I think you're holding on to your own idea and belief of who he is as a person and not the real him. I don't think you know him well enough to be in love with him. Your idea of him being the perfect man is screwing up all the chances of you discovering someone who deserve your time, energy and love.

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  34. ohh your story touched me, it's beautiful yet very very sad and I know as I'm going through the exact same thing. 'the horrid pain of being nothing to someone who means everything to you', this is so recognisable. he's the only thing on your mind and everything you dou, you keep him in the back of your mind, as if you're living for him. and the hardest part is that you know you will never love anyone as much as him yet you can never be with him.. it's so sad and hard and I know how much pain en tears it can give.. I wish I could give you some advice or sweet words but I'm dealing with it myself so I don't really know what to say.. good luck with this & I love your blog btw!
    www.champagnestaineddreams.blogspot.com

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  35. are you afraid of being lonely?
    DONT GET MARRIED!! you are not in love, woman!
    oh, Dios... me cuesta comprender a estas mujeres...

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  36. you absolutely cannot do this. you think that your experiences work as an excuse, but it just makes what you're doing worse. wait for someone who inspires the same love in you or else this is going to end painfully.

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  37. My enlighs sucks but here we go: If I was you, I would called the one i loved and tell him that I love him. Its better die alone then getting married with a person you not bare love with. It's not fear to you houseband, he deserves a women who love him. And you deserve to be in love for real. You supposed to be the happiest girl in the world on your wedding but I think your wedding gonna be your ''federal'', but if you are love with your houseband now, marry him, if your heart belongs to another leave him thats not fear to him. But maybe I am wrong?

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  38. Oh please don't do this!You and Your fiance both deserve someone who loves them with they're whole heart and whom you love equally.by marrying him not only are you taking that option away from yourself.Your also stealing it away from him.He loves you now do him a favor and let him go......

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  39. please dont get married unless you're prepared to give all of yourself. your fiancee deserves someone who totally loves him.
    redemption would be telling him the truth; confessing. How can you be redeemed if you tell the whole internet the truth and not the person who wnats to marry you.

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  41. I sent you a mail a while ago. Please remove the photo which DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU. The above picture with the back of the girl is my work (http://www.flickr.com/photos/_kit/3310458432/in/set-72157614544762714/), STOP STEALING THINGS FROM MY PAGE.

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  42. Question: DO you love your fiancé? Every relationship is different and doesnt feel the same...However, I believe that love is always there, it just gets directed towards different people...And of couse you can love to people at the same time as well...
    If you DO love him then it´s right to stay with him..otherwise perhaps you two are not right for eachother?
    And also: How well have you gotten to know the other person you are so in love with? It sounds a bit as if you have built him up in your imagination, into this perfect being..We often do that when it is someone who is unavaliable for us for some reason...
    Live in the present, be happy, love yourself and your life and do everything you can to take care of yourself and your hart. You can´t ever know what "would have been" with this other guy, so dont live so much in the past...
    Just my little advice..I dont know you and dont know anything about your life apart from what you wrote...so take what you want from my response :)
    I wish you best of luck and love/M

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  43. she didnt say there was no love, she just said it was a different kind of love

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  44. Do not marry this man! Do not, do not, do not! Beyond this being unfair to him, there are obviously issues you haven't worked out with yourself. Grow up and realize this before you ruin someone else's life and your own.

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  45. You should marry him. What you feel for the other guy is sadness that he does not reciprocate your feelings.
    Normally guys who do that are in a long time relationship with somone who can't give them all they need. You can spend your whole life wondering , hoping he will give you a proper reason, or you can find ways to be happy outside him.
    You are worth it, even if he is so caught up he can't tell you. Don't let his silence define your love for others and yourself. Soar, fly.

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  46. I know how you feel. I married the other guy. we lasted 6 months. he was so great, nice, sweet, and would never leave me. but be honest with yourself. if i could go back and listen to myself, i wouldn't have caused this pain on so many people.

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  47. Anyone can find magic with someone after spending a brilliant afternoon with them. If you can have years of these wonderful days with someone then you really do have something special...I was once with someone who I thought was it-then he told me to my face that he looked at me and felt nothing. I was devestated and held memories of some of my happiest days with him in my heart. Truth be told there were only 3 of those days in the entire relationship. Now I am marrying someone who makes me feel he loves me as much as I love him, we are both happier knowing each other, and I am excited to be with him every single day...even if we are doing the mundane thing. The feelings of my happiest days with the other guy is what I feel literally every day with my fiance. My amazing days with my ex felt amazing bc every other day with him was awful. I know torture feels like love, but real love, the kind you want in your life forever, brings you happiness.

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