Thursday, April 8, 2010

my confession


I don't know how it happened, how I went ahead and made my life harder than it usually was.

I remember being with my first boyfriend and how much I loved him then suddenly everything changed, I know I don't love him anymore or at least not as much as before.
After a 3 year relationship with him, I suddenly met someone who shook my world at first glance, and finally I felt new and great. We spent quite sometime together and I felt that he was the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, it seems he didn't feel the same way as he made excuses to not be with me, like: he was too busy with work and didn't want to neglect me. I kind of got lost in what he told me, I was sad as I felt my heart plunder down everyday.

A year passed by and I still felt love for him as I tried to lie to myself about what I felt and towards who. I finally told him again how I felt and he, again, replied in metaphors I couldn't understand. I was crushed again to the point I was no more. Staying cold and brokenhearted kept me from becoming insanely depressed, as another year passed by, I meet him again, we spend 4 hours talking to each other, walking and flirting, everything was fun. I knew I still loved him at that point, my love for him was still there, stronger than ever. But time won against my will, he left with a solid goodbye and I, once more, was left to keep myself from the brink of insanity with my broken heart.

Two more years pass by, and yet again we meet. We do the usual; talk for a long time, have fun and flirt and at that point I felt like he was that perfect man I needed in my life but irony struck into our conversation when I was left at gunpoint, at fault for claiming why he did such "kind" actions knowing he could never be with me, he stormed off and never to be seen again, or so it seemed.

Finally, 3 years have passed since that incident, I was smoking outside the place I work, and while he was passing by, I saw him and I felt his cold shoulder, the horrid pain of being nothing to someone who means everything to you. Since then I've tried deleting him from my memories, but as my mind forgets his face, my heart still remembers the pain, the only thing that actually made me feel human for once; the love I have for him.

Now I'm getting married to someone who I would never love with the same kind of love that I have for "him". I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or right, but all I know is that I love a different man than the one I'm marrying.

This is my confession, this is my redemption.
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