Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I can't say it.


tumblr

I know there's lots of instances where people are hesitant or have issues with saying "I love you" to their lovers, s/o's, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses etc. But I think something is wrong with me. I can't say I love you to my family members. I don't know if it's because I'm Korean and my parents never raised us in such a setting-- and that isn't to say they aren't loving parents, they're great people. My dad isn't anywhere near the "mean, cold" type of Korean fathers. He's pretty "Americanized" in terms of his traditions, values, etc etc. My mom is in between. But all in all I know they love me. I know they love me and my brother and I love them to death. I don't love anyone more than my family...but we don't say I love you to each other. I want to so bad. But I can't. I know. You must think I'm psycho or pathetic, it's just a few simple words and it's not like I don't mean it but why can't I get it to roll off my tongue? I feel so pathetic I wrote this little letter to God.

Lord-- I wonder almost every single day why you made it so that certain things could never be expressed, whether that be by words, paintings, music, etc. I wish I could save everyone and everything, even myself. I wish I could save myself from falling into deep plunder where I only bask myself in anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, loneliness and frustration. I wish I could save the people I love most--my family, from falling into their habitual sins just as I do mine. If I could pick, I'd want to save them first because I would rather suffer and see them all happy instead of the other way around. I wish I could save my dad from drowning back and forth between himself and his inexorable mind. I wish I could save my brother from feeling helpless and getting lost into self-depletion as many people this age do. I wish I could save my mama from feelings of despair and fear from burden, and losing control. I wish I could save myself from hating myself for not being able to help any of them on my own accord, for beating myself up for feeling inadequate as a daughter and sister and person. But mostly I wish that I was even half the person was wishing I am right now; I wish that I could let these people know that I love them more than all of the obstacles I've overcome. This writing all feels purposeless and all talk because it's true. When the one's I want to know won't know, what's the point of writing this anyways? Because I am a failing person who can't express my emotions to people that are especially close. To people I love. Dear God I wonder why you made this such a challenge for me. I wonder why I can be the friendliest person to others or I can chalk up a conversation with strangers in the elevator, but I can't do what matters. When me expressing my concern and love could possibly save us. Sometimes I am bitter at You because You know I always complain about the same thing: why aren't there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts OUT? And in the end, all of this makes no sense...again...because it's wrapped up in this blog text box...and my heart is nothing close to replicating a mere technological blog text box where I push submit.

37 comments:

  1. Hi there. just read ur post. it was really touching! maybe you could try to write it on a piece of paper or something. just a simple "i love u" on a post it note and stick it to ur family's doors or something of that sort. let them know. It may be hard and corny but i bet they'll feel really happy. I was once like that too.. and i can never say "i love you" to my mom or dad or brothers. but now im overseas, and every "happy fathers day" or birthday, i send a card back home, in which i write "I love you Dad you're the best dad in the world" and immediately send it before i come to my senses and realise that it is quite embarrassing. i can only 'say' those kinds of things through letters and cards because i know that i won't be there when they read it so i dont feel embarrassed about it but they will still feel happy. maybe you could send a letter/card to ur home with those words in it? it's just a suggestion after all..
    don't worry.. from what i've read in ur post, you're a lovely daughter and sister, a very kind person who loves her family very very much. don't bash urself up for not having the courage to do express ur feelings. i'm sure you'll be able to do it. believe in yourself and God! :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. hey. i have the same problem. :) i've never said to my parents that i love them - and they never told me that they love me. But they are great people. Weird thing, it has always been bothering me. But i could NEVER say it.. I am very open with my feelings to my friends, i tell them i love them all the time. But my blood, my family? Can't do it.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel exactly the same way. My mom tells me she can not remember a time when I told her I loved her, and it secretly makes me sad. Every night she tries to get me to say those three words- she knows that I love her but it is so hard for me to express verbally. I have a complete mental block- like how some people are scared of heights or spiders or whatever- but for me, its saying, "I love you".
    Just show your family your love, because really those words are a superficial expression of affection. Because I can not say "I love you" I try as hard as I can to express my love for my family everyday, because that is what counts in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I completely understand.

    We're working on it as a family; small steps.

    But as long as you know for sure you love each other... all those efforts make it worth it. For example, I tell my mother all the time that I understand her fears of losing me, and that I wish she were free of that gnawing anxiety. It is implied that because I love her, I wish she were happy all the time. Like I said, though... small steps. Gradually we're understanding each other better :) It is enough that we are there for each other. That alone empowers us to do a lot of the saving ourselves.

    Sometimes we fail to save ourselves. But family will be there even if you do. That's love whether or not you say it out loud; at that point you no longer need to though it's nice to hear.

    ReplyDelete
  5. i think its harder to tell your family because you know 100% without a doubt that they feel the same, so there is no need to prove that you love them by saying it and saying it makes you feeel like you are proving something unneccasarily. With a spouse or partner or even a friend there is always a slight hesitation or question that they wont say it back or even feel the same so people constantly place an empahsis on saying i love you when really the ones you love already know, just as you know exactly who the ones that love you are.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My family doesn’t say it, but we feel it.

    We know it’s there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. very touching! don't be afraid. just say it out loud or write it in a card! family members are the one that will stay by you forever no matter what happen.

    just give them a hug or even a pad on the shoulder to show them that you care. all the best!

    ReplyDelete
  8. don't forget that actions speak louder than words! your actions towards them probably already portray what you can't say...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful and useful information with us.

    Green Tea Weight Loss

    ReplyDelete
  10. why don't you show them this? I think they know you love them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey out there,
    I like your post because I feel nearly the same. Just a small difference: Half my family can not say it because they really dont feel it!
    Being raised up under such conditions is the main reason that I can not say it... even not to my brother whom I love from the bottom of my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  12. hey, i have the same problem too. but we show and express our love in some different way!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm from a chinese family, and I couldn't every say I love you to either of my parents. it took me 20 years, on her birthday, to finally tell her that over the phone (I'm at university). Even now, in person, when it matters the most, the words die on my lips.

    ReplyDelete
  14. man this blog has gotten depressing

    ReplyDelete
  15. hey! i've been checking this blog for a while and i love all the stories that's been posted.

    just because i love the blog, i nominated the blog for an award. come to my blog and check it out!

    http://styleaffaire.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. The amazing thing about this is you're already saved! God has saved you & your family from all the things you're saying here.. just trust in him that he wouldn't give you too much to deal with than you couldn't handle. And don't ever think that you're failing. You're growing and changing into the person you're supposed to be; and of course some things are gonna be difficult. But you're loved and you love your family - love is SO much stronger than words!

    ReplyDelete
  17. love doesn't necessarily have to be expressed through words. words can only express so much. i'm sure your love for your family goes beyond what "i love you" can say.i think it's not that you can't say "i love you" but you just say it in a different way. anyway, have you heard of the 5 love languages? link: http://bit.ly/6FP66v

    ReplyDelete
  18. maybe that will partly cheer you up - i can't say i love you to anyone. i am only able to say in a 'joky' way but that's the peak of my verbal abilities connected with my emotions...
    i am not sure if i will ever overcome my expressing problems and finally say it to somebody, but i wish i would...

    ReplyDelete
  19. If you or a family member were to pass away tomorrow would you regret not saying I love you? I regretfully have that burden on me and would not wish it on my worst enemy. Although it may be a huge obstacle that you must face head on it is something you must do today! whether you send them each a copy of this blog post you wrote or tell them please do not wait any longer to share something so beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have the same problem. I never heard "I love you" in my family, for 27 years, my whole life! Can you imagine it? this has it's consequences on my emotional life today. if you want you can read about that here:
    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/2010/04/hamlet-in-love.html

    ReplyDelete
  21. I understand how it gets difficult expressing your love towards your family, I feel you. It's not easy, I know. But hey, I believe by doing simple things that shows you care, even if it's awkward, will somehow let them feel all the love, though words are not expressed. And I agree from Anonymous - Love doesn't necessarily have to be expressed through words.

    Shiq from Singapore. (:

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am raised in an Asian family as well. I used to find it so difficult to cough out these three simple words. Simple, but important. No, maybe we don't say it to each other everyday because we are afraid it will lose its significance. Maybe it just 'feels weird'. But ask yourslef, what if you do not say it and that was really your last chance to do so? It always gets me thinking. Take it in small steps. Say it during special occasions. Ask them about their day etc. Like many of the posts above, i agree that love.. it can be felt. :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. It's weird. I used to say "I love you" to my parents every single day and now for some reason we hardly ever say it. I love both of my parents and my brother more than anything, but now for some reason it just feels weird to say it to them.

    What's also strange is that I say it to my husband at least 3 times a day. I don't know why I have such a strong urge to tell him constantly, but I have such a hard time saying it to my family.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You sound like a terric girl and you should have nothing to worry about! I know it`s hard not to be able to say those words, -I can`t either. For me it`s only been because of just the same reasons as yours,- my family loves me but has never expressed it in words.

    It`s especially hard in America (I`m from Sweden myself) but when I was there and I heard all the other families telling each other "I love you" in every second sentence it felt somehow like the love in my family was less excisiting. It`s not, -it`s just showed in a different way! And what I`ve learned is that those word does not always talk truly but actions do and that`s what really counts!!!

    Of course now with my new build little family of my own I`ll frequently use the verbal expression of love just becuase I`ve missed it so much myself!

    ReplyDelete
  25. My family doesn't say it either, but I know my parents would do anything for their children and their lives essentially revolve around us four kids. My siblings and I, have never gotten in real fights, we've always gotten a long well and we're pretty close.

    We've never said "I love you" and for a while I really wanted to and wondered, like you, why I couldn't.

    I don't think any of us really know how to say it in words and I've decided that I like it just being there. Floating there. Instead of being said.

    ReplyDelete
  26. You know I could never say it to my parents until I went overseas for 2 years. I would call them and at the end of the convo I would just slip in a casual 'I love you'
    They always thought I was so independent and keen to get out of the house and a free spirit and so happy to be living in another country but they never knew that for the first 6 months I cried my eyes out for hours after every phone conversation, because I missed them that much.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Remember you need to take care of yourself before taking care of others. ;]

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hey, just read this and I thought that is the same with me. I have grown up in a family where we do not use the words 'I love you'. It is something we know of each other and we assume of each other. I have come to be comfortable with that, I think i will be spooked if all of a sudden my family started throwing around 'I love you'. I know that that is a bit of a strange thing to say but it is how it is.
    I think the thing that spooks me out is that i can not say this to any guy i have feelings for. In fact I would end up looking for ways to get out when the guy says the words. That is a fear I need to get over. Though, I am thinking I really want to meet a guy who does not make me jittery over those words; who makes me want to plunge in but that is another story.

    ReplyDelete
  29. your not alone... and i was happy to see neither am i. i remember once my brother wrote on a birthday card to my mother "i know we dont express this, but i love you" i thought that was very bold and i was also quite jealous. haha ive accepted its just the way my family is.. i just hope that one say it doesnt cause me to have such trouble saying it to other people... my own family especially

    ReplyDelete
  30. Incredibly touching, I can really relate to it. They may be just a few words, but they can be killer hard to say, especially to those you love the most.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Omg I have the same problem too. I can never say those 3 words to my family. They don't do the same either. But I know we all feel the same way for one another. I care most about them, just that I don't say it.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Thank you for your article. Then let's see something about cosplay. You must be interested in it.
    Cosplay Get Its Own Magazine: Cosplay Gen
    cosplay is big. Very big. China Wholesale More than half of all kids at anime conventions these days are cosplaying cosplay costumes.

    Relax, cheap cosplay costumes it’s nothing scary. Cosplay is just the Japanese word for dressing up in costume. naruto cosplay You know, like you do on Halloween... cosplay naruto except if you spent four months making your costume, Kingdom Hearts Cosplay and made all of the props yourself instead of buying everything out of a package at the temporary local Halloween Superstore cheap cosplay.

    In an indication of just how big the international cosplay community is getting, anime cosplay May will see the launch of a new, English-language cosplay magazine anime cosplay costumes out of Europe called Cosplay Gen. wholesale costume The 72-page issue #1 Japanese School Uniform will include tons of photos, interviews, profiles, DIY tutorials and a pull-out poster. Final Fantasy Cosplay Pre-order your copy now and receive a free issue of Otaku Magazine Bleach Cosplay.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Let me just say this: you are definitely not alone. Your background may explain certain things, but as for me, my (Western and even south European - open and talkative about feelings) family has always told me that they loved me, very frequently and it is just me who is unable to utter these words. So it is not necessarily related to your culture.
    I know that "just saying it out loud" won't solve the problem, it is simply impossible. We might have a slight handicap here, but it is alright, time will help us work on it. No need to rush it.
    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I love a girl but I can't say her.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thank you for sharing this with the world, i am part vietnamese & part american. I felt you were reading my mind & heart, for i too can spark conversations with mere strangers, hug & kiss my friends express my love to them, but, in my household i know its supposed to be implied that we love each other, but, the words fumble so awkwardly or not at all.......& i too, curse myself for the very same things(being a better daughter,sis,...). Thank you for verbalizing what i could not...sometimes i feel i could implode from my emotions...theres a poem i read once that spoke of a love spilling out of a too full cup, that runs and hides itself in shame....

    ReplyDelete
  36. I've always gone through the same thing I love my family and I know they love me but we never say it. I'm married now and try to do it different with my kids and wife. But now I have my mother in the hospital and remember all the times I wanted to tell her how much I love her.....I called her and finally told her how much I love her and we both apologized to each other for not saying 3 simple words. The way I see it and my wife helped me realize tell your family how much you love them now in LIFE and not later when its to late.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...