Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I can't say it.


I know there's lots of instances where people are hesitant or have issues with saying "I love you" to their lovers, s/o's, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses etc. But I think something is wrong with me. I can't say I love you to my family members. I don't know if it's because I'm Korean and my parents never raised us in such a setting-- and that isn't to say they aren't loving parents, they're great people. My dad isn't anywhere near the "mean, cold" type of Korean fathers. He's pretty "Americanized" in terms of his traditions, values, etc etc. My mom is in between. But all in all I know they love me. I know they love me and my brother and I love them to death. I don't love anyone more than my family...but we don't say I love you to each other. I want to so bad. But I can't. I know. You must think I'm psycho or pathetic, it's just a few simple words and it's not like I don't mean it but why can't I get it to roll off my tongue? I feel so pathetic I wrote this little letter to God.

Lord-- I wonder almost every single day why you made it so that certain things could never be expressed, whether that be by words, paintings, music, etc. I wish I could save everyone and everything, even myself. I wish I could save myself from falling into deep plunder where I only bask myself in anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, loneliness and frustration. I wish I could save the people I love most--my family, from falling into their habitual sins just as I do mine. If I could pick, I'd want to save them first because I would rather suffer and see them all happy instead of the other way around. I wish I could save my dad from drowning back and forth between himself and his inexorable mind. I wish I could save my brother from feeling helpless and getting lost into self-depletion as many people this age do. I wish I could save my mama from feelings of despair and fear from burden, and losing control. I wish I could save myself from hating myself for not being able to help any of them on my own accord, for beating myself up for feeling inadequate as a daughter and sister and person. But mostly I wish that I was even half the person was wishing I am right now; I wish that I could let these people know that I love them more than all of the obstacles I've overcome. This writing all feels purposeless and all talk because it's true. When the one's I want to know won't know, what's the point of writing this anyways? Because I am a failing person who can't express my emotions to people that are especially close. To people I love. Dear God I wonder why you made this such a challenge for me. I wonder why I can be the friendliest person to others or I can chalk up a conversation with strangers in the elevator, but I can't do what matters. When me expressing my concern and love could possibly save us. Sometimes I am bitter at You because You know I always complain about the same thing: why aren't there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts OUT? And in the end, all of this makes no sense...again...because it's wrapped up in this blog text box...and my heart is nothing close to replicating a mere technological blog text box where I push submit.
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