Sunday, April 18, 2010

how good it makes us feel.


I have never felt as much pain in my heart as I did during my fifteenth birthday. I had been looking forward to that day for as long as I could remember – I was the last one out to turn fifteen and my first love wanted to see me. I had been waiting for him the whole day and I was so curious about how he was going to surprise me. The sun was slowly fading and soon it was hidden by beautiful pink clouds – the kinds that only show themselves during lukewarm summer nights. I met up with what I thought was the love of my life and he surprised me, he shocked me so bad I lost my breath. And in that very moment I honestly believed I was going to die. When I finally was able to breathe again, without knowing what I was about to do, I ran away – from the love of my life.

I just kept on running not knowing where I was about to go, but I found a park bench and I sat down for a while. I tried to think clearly, but I couldn’t, what had just happened? Why couldn’t I breathe? Had I been running? Why? I tried to remember what had happened, and then suddenly a lightening rushed through my chest and I remembered what had just happened – it was my fifteenth birthday and my first true love had left me.

I don’t know for how long I was sitting at that park bench, but I remember I watched people walking by – they all seemed so happy, how was that possible? I heard the sound of my phone ringing time and time again, but I didn’t have the strength to answer, I didn’t have the power to move a single muscle. I was thinking about how to get home, if maybe I would have to go to the hospital, though the pounding pain in my chest never seemed to give in. I was thinking and thinking and I found it all rather ironic – me, Isabelle, had been dumped on my fifteenth birthday, what a goddamn karma. I had never been God’s greatest child, but I never figured it would turn out to be this bad.

All of a sudden I saw my dad standing right in front of me, when I saw his face I knew that he knew what had happened. He grabbed my hand and led me to the car which was parked a few blocks away. When I came home I went straight to bed, where I spent the following days. I wanted to know why my first love had left me, I wanted to hear his explanation and I wanted to know exactly what he had told me the day he left me, because I couldn’t remember anything.

It’s truly impossible to put words on the pain I felt inside of me, but the pain never gave in, it just kept on stealing the insignificant energy I had left. The pain burned through my chest, tore my heart to pieces and my crying never seemed to come to an end. Time was running away and every day I was thinking to myself “Tomorrow the pain will be gone”, but it never was. Until a chilly autumn day in the middle of November, I unexpectedly caught myself thinking there wasn’t anything scratching like barbed wire around my heart – the pain was gone. The memories were still there though as well as the fear, but the actual pain inside my body had disappeared.

The thing is that there isn’t the moment when I was dumped in literal sense that’s putting a strain on me today. It’s when I think about the pain I feel sad, or rather scared, because if I felt like that then – then my heart will stop beating for real when the person who gives me a reason to live leaves me. I am going to cry so hard I’m not going to be able to breathe and I won’t be able to calm down or even control myself.

I think that’s exactly why we are afraid of love. Because in truth been told we do know that it’s possible to actually love someone too much, we know the possibility does exist. Isn’t that crazy – to love someone too much? We also do know love always ends unfortunate. Even if love lasts a whole lifetime there comes a time when we are torn apart by death, which frightens me a lot.

But then we got to think like this as well, even how miserably love seems to end it doesn’t mean the ending reveals the history we’ve shared together. Even though love sometimes hurt really badly we also have to remember how good it makes us feel. It makes us feel free, like we can live forever. Love is like a movie – you cannot dislike a wonderful movie with a bad ending – it’s just not possible to feel sad and angry about the bad ending if the rest of the movie felt like a dream.

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