Wednesday, March 31, 2010
my mind, it's stronger then my heart.
You know, it doesn't even matter whether you publish this on your blog or not. I just need someone out there to know my story, even though that someone has no clue who I am.
My relationships with the opposite sex has never been great. I was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend and my grandfather over a course of several years. My first serious boyfriend was a complete jerk, who constantly told me that I was nothing but a whore. Needless to say, what self esteem I did have was completely battered.
But then I met this boy and I loved him so much. He was so perfect for me and in his arms, I felt safe. I felt beautiful, and that was the first time I had ever felt that way in my whole entire life. For the entire three years of our relationship, we saw each other nearly every second day and spoke on the phone for hours every night. It felt like we had the rest of our lives to be together.
But ultimately, my crushed self esteem would always attack me when I least suspected and this lead to insensitive and selfish behaviour, lots of accusations such as "you think that I'm not good enough for you". But he was always so patient and took it all, stood by me, and reassured me that I was beautiful.
I am so frustrated with myself, with my behaviour and my attitude. So I ended the relationship with him today.
I want that boy to know that I loved him so much that it hurts. That I want him to experience a relationship with a girl who isn't so self destructive. I want him to be happy. But most of all, I want him back.
The problem is that I can't just do that. My mind, it's stronger then my heart.