Wednesday, March 31, 2010

my mind, it's stronger then my heart.


You know, it doesn't even matter whether you publish this on your blog or not. I just need someone out there to know my story, even though that someone has no clue who I am.

My relationships with the opposite sex has never been great. I was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend and my grandfather over a course of several years. My first serious boyfriend was a complete jerk, who constantly told me that I was nothing but a whore. Needless to say, what self esteem I did have was completely battered.

But then I met this boy and I loved him so much. He was so perfect for me and in his arms, I felt safe. I felt beautiful, and that was the first time I had ever felt that way in my whole entire life. For the entire three years of our relationship, we saw each other nearly every second day and spoke on the phone for hours every night. It felt like we had the rest of our lives to be together.

But ultimately, my crushed self esteem would always attack me when I least suspected and this lead to insensitive and selfish behaviour, lots of accusations such as "you think that I'm not good enough for you". But he was always so patient and took it all, stood by me, and reassured me that I was beautiful.

I am so frustrated with myself, with my behaviour and my attitude. So I ended the relationship with him today.

I want that boy to know that I loved him so much that it hurts. That I want him to experience a relationship with a girl who isn't so self destructive. I want him to be happy. But most of all, I want him back.

The problem is that I can't just do that. My mind, it's stronger then my heart.




  2. that's really hard, and i know that a lot of people might not really understand how you could push him away, but even though i cannot completely understand because i'm not in your shoes, i respect that you are taking your own path and your own time with YOUR life. that is totally important, and if you are meant to be with him, it'll happen in time!

  3. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you know that somewhere out here is going to root for you.

    If you get back together, I will root for you. You deserve to have someone who will be there to tell you you are beautiful. Because I've never met you, but I think you are beautiful. You're a strong lady, you know.

    If you decide to stay away from him, I will root for you, too. I hope you discover yourself, and I hope you discover your inner strength. I don't believe your self-esteem is all gone, because it is inside you, but maybe being single will be good for you so that you can find it all on your own. That is entirely possible, and I hope that when you do discover your beautiful tenacious self-esteem, that you will find someone who can match that - someone equally beautiful and strong who will let you know your strengths and positives every day, who you in turn will appreciate as well. Maybe it will be this boy you just ended things with. Maybe it will be someone else. But I have faith in you, no matter what.

    I believe in your will to survive. I've been through that, too. You can do this. You can do anything.

    Someone out here is gonna stick by you in spirit, sister. You do what you have to do, and you trust that one day you will be the kind of person whose heart and mind can think in harmony and bring you happiness.

  4. This is true love in my opinion, when you love someone so much that you would want only the best for them, even if it means not being with them.

    Hope things turn out great for you, you deserve it. Just know that not many people can do what you did so you must be a pretty good person. :)

    ~ C

  5. this is exactly what i'm going through right at this very moment. 3 year relationship and everything.

    the only thing is i think he really has given up on me and he has accepted that its over. me thinking i wasn't worth it finally convinced him i wasn't.

    to the person who posted the long comment... thank you. i know that wasn't meant for me but you taking the time to write all that out has really made me feel better about my situation.

  6. I think that's really great of the author to do. She says she may have done some very selfish things, but I think setting him free was very selfLESS.

  7. Wow...I completely understand you. Although to be honest my role would be of the BF. My ex was pretty much in same situation as you. I really hope you can get yourself together and be able to find happiness. Like the other people who've commented already...find yourself first. Be happy with yourself without a BF, without being in a relationship. And in time, if not your ex, then someone will come into your life who will love you for EVERYTHING that you are...your past, present and future self. Be strong and take care of yourself.

  8. Wow... I'm in the same situation. Only difference is that I was not sexually abused but I am self destructive. And I know how it is when you want back your ex-boyfriend but your mind is saying: no! Noone shouldn't feel like this, especially when you are in love.
    Sorry for my English- it's not my native language.

  9. I think telling someone that they deserve better is a slap in the face. They choose you. They have the right to be with the person they want to be if that person wants to be with them. If you broke up to work on yourself, great, but don't break up because you think someone deserves better. Because you have to respect that person enough to make their own decisions, and they choose you.

  10. i have to say that i agree with the anonymous above me, if the break-up is about you finding yourself, it's completely understandable, and i'm with you on that one... but asuming that the other person deserves someone better than you........ no, he can choose, he's choosing you, what if his happiness is with you?

    and it is still a selfish act, you think you're 'punishing' yourself for your attitude and behaviour, but you're only punishing him.

    I'm not judging you on your decitions or anything, I'm just saying that this sort of things, you think you're doing something good for the other person, but sometimes it's more damaging than good, and if you one day are strong enough to want to go back to him, he won't be as positive about the situation. At least that's what I think. Of course human beings have different reactions. And maybe I'm wrong.

    Good luck with everything, and I sincerily hope everything works out for the best!


  11. although it might not feel it now i think you need to have some time on your own to figure yourself out a bit more. it sounds like you have an awful lot to work through on your own. you need to learn to love yourself first and the rest will follow, i know it sounds corny but it really is true. and you never know what will happen, just because you're not together now doesn't mean it's forever. be patient and be strong and things will work out for you, you deserve it.

  12. it takes a whole lot of courage to walk away, and for that, I totally admire you. . find yourself, find that happiness, and for sure, "he" will find his way to you, too.

  13. Whoever you are, you're beautiful for me

  14. its sad to leave someone you love. be strong! you're beautiful inside out, no matter what others say!

  15. It's heartbreaking. I know exactly how you feel. But you are important too. You deserve to be happy too. But you've shown strength and that's a beauty in itself.

  16. In this world, if you read the papers, Lord,
    You know everybody’s fighting on with each other.
    You got no one you can count on, baby,
    Not even your own brother.
    So if someone comes along,
    He’s gonna give you some love and affection
    I’d say get it while you can, yeah!
    Honey, get it while you can,
    Hey, hey, get it while you can,
    Don’t you turn your back on love, no, no!
    -janis joplin

  17. this scarily reminds me so much of myself. It really makes me appreciate the strength of my heart.

    coincidently, I was also abused by my mothers boyfriend. my mother was abused by her father from a very early age and ran away when she was 16.

    I am so insecure but i have this beautiful boy who i am completely in love with that is constantly reassuring me how beautiful i am and patiently letting the rest pass.

    I want him to be so happy and i feel like i'm constantly bringing him down with my accusations and bad moods but i could never ever let him go and i know that when my head is settled i make him happy.

    i am positive that this boy wants you in his life even if you feel like you're bringing him down, love over rides everything.

    i'm so glad my heart is stronger than my head.

    i hope that whilst you think you're making him happy you remember to keep yourself happy.

  18. I'm pretty dissapointed people aren't beleiving you when you say you can't help think these things, mull over these things, and eventually speak these things you say or "accuse". I haven't been sexually abused but I still have the heart to understand that it's hard to think that things will be ok on your own. thoughts can be so damn tormenting. I understand. focus on the positive no matter which way you choose (long comment way above was perfect) and remember that you could bump into each other again sometime in the future.

    you sound like a good person that bad things have happened to. hardly a bad person. at all.

  19. i despise that feeling. i despise thinking someone is too good for someone else. It's as if there is a pedestal, and someone has to have wings to get to the others' level.
    You start to think, "we don't look cute together... we're pretending to flirt... why do we feel so fake" etc. I always feel that way and i hate it. I just want everyone to step up, flaunt their flaws, and then watch each other attempt to step back up on the pedestal.
    once everyone looks around- they're on the same level. If you want him to be happy, make him happy. Make him happy by showing him you're happy to be around him. wouldn't that make him happy?

  20. Mabye you should send him a link with this story ? Did he know you where abused ? If not you should tell him and mabye you can go in thearpy alone or with him to sort out your issiues with guys wich affect your trust, feelings of being save, letting someone in. I wish you succes on your journey and remember your not alone. I think sexual abbuse happens to alot of people just only a few talk about it.

  21. Can you go to counseling? Working through your past will make it a lot easier to deal with your troubles now. If you really want him, then I suggest you help yourself first.

  22. I am this person too...very self destructive even in the face of love.

    I started counseling today, I think this can get better.

  23. my boyfriend pushed me away like this once for very similar reasons - and he regretted it a lot. i still cared about him deeply and wished we were together. i never got over him all the way. 3 years later, we're together again. he's fixed his self esteem problems. hopefully something similar will happen with you and your ex will be able to forgive you.

    honestly though the advice he said he wished he'd taken was, "never let go of someone because you don't feel good enough. just work on becoming who you want to be with that person by your side"

    it's not too late :/

  24. This is really heartwrenching. Babe, I just think that no matter how screwed things are, we should learn to love ourselves more than anything else. I'm sorry to hear about your past but I'm sure, if this dude is worth your love and every single thought, you should fight for him. And the most important thing is, if he love you a whole lot, he'd be patiently waiting for the day, you're ready, truly ready to have him in every part of your life :)


  25. Jesus is the only way to fill the void. I learned that after may years of failed relationships. I finally starting loving myself after I felt divine love. My best to you...

  26. This is a really great post. I've been there in the past. It's like you cling to your significant other because they are what makes you feel whole. Their love makes you feel worthwhile and without that you feel like you are nothing; like you don't matter. The most difficult part of all that is coming to the realization that you have to feel whole without that person first in order to truly be able to have a relationship with them. I applaud the author of this piece for coming to that realization and knowing that she has to be happy on her own before she can be happy in a relationship with someone else. It's a very difficult and emotional situation. I hope that the person who wrote this was/is able to find true happiness and love. <3 Jenna

  27. Please embrace his love for you for love is so precious! Please don't walk away from true love for it's so difficult to come by. Make him happy by loving him. Kindly listen to your heart and follow your heart. Learn to love yourself by allowing yourself to love him and that's how you respect yourself and be truthfully to yourself. You're a beautiful person from inside out. Love from a girl (loner) who not once but twice made the same mistake like u did. I regreted whole heartily.

  28. This is agape love (selfless love). I think the best way for you to have a healthy relationship is by working on being the right person yourself. Go to a shrink, they are much more helpful than you think.

  29. you have ended things to make things right within yourself, right? i think this is a silly reason to lose something magical! he wants to be with you, doesn't he? maybe you shouldn't link your problems to him, he loves you for who you are.
    if you love him like i think you do, you may come to regret this choice. but you still have time to think. ultimately, the heart always wins over the mind. x

  30. I hope that with time, and help, (there is notyhing bad about going to therapy, it has really heped me) you will go through this, maybe he´ll take you back. I u love him, and he loves you back, don´t hesitate, just go tell him. love like you describe is not easy to find! good luck!

  31. Talk to him, maybe explain your reasons for ending it.

    Maybe you just need time to realise the person you are? Best of luck with it x

  32. He'll never stop thinking about you trust me. Put him out of his misery and get back with him. You're causing him more pain without you.

  33. You realize that you are crushing HIS self-esteem now.
    Lie to yourself all you want, but you're being selfish, and running away.

  34. you love him. he loves you. BE with him. you are good enough, you are worth it, and he loves you just the way you are.

  35. what's the problem? just stop watching this shitty soaps, in RL nothing makes more sense than love the guy who loves you. stay with him.

    let's say it in your cheesy words: don't say good bye to your fallen angel. he is there, because you need him.

  36. I´m crying cause it´s my history, tragical and beauty.
    Why loves hurt sometimes?

  37. omfg, it's so incredibly devastating... i'm very emotionless girl but when i read this i just... my emotions just flew away from me! just release themselves without my permission. it's so tragic... but girl, you have no idea how much you deserve that boy if you are able to leave him for his theoretical happiness. you've got so beautiful soul, so flawless 'interior'... i admire you.

  38. dont do this to yourself!! if you love him and he loves you theres no point in breaking up, if he wants to be with you and this makes him happy, leave it up to him! he has the right to choose. and im sure he will choose to stay..
    dont punish yourself like this..
    maybe you could try come counseling to get over your childhood fears and complexes..
    i know what it means to love someone with all your heart and soul and i know one thing , i will never let go of him because he is everything i ever wanted.. we ve been together for almost 4 years and we ve had many, many fights and even break ups(which lasted maximum a week) but we've made it through it sure you can do the same! dont give up!

  39. As much as you're doing it for him, you are doing it for yourself. You can't handle the truth, liberate yourself and accept the truth, he love you more than you love yourself. Your mind should know that him being together with you is making him happy. Don't contradict yourself :)

  40. When you LOve yourself enough everyone would love you just like you are. If you really work your self steem the rest will come ...i recommend you a very good book from Louise Hay that is 2You Can Heal Your Life " ...if ready it i guaranteed that your live will change and if don't like to ready she already have the movie i recommend both see the movie and buy the book to workout your life. And remember always that you are amazing complete person you don't need no one to say that to you ok. Have a great life and follow your dreams.

  41. I dont understand... you are happy, he is happy? HE wants YOU. HE chose YOU. All this drama is because you are just afraid of getting hurt.

    YOU deserve the best, just remember that, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I know that this boy is so cute, and he is lovely, and you think: hey, he might be happier with other girl, he doesnt want screwed up me. However HE CHOSE YOU. He doesn't want another girl.

    Remember too that you are very strong to have survived everything that you did. You deserve the best! There are so many people looking for the love of their lives all the time. You have found him, do not let go! You will be breaking his heart as well as yours on a silly thought...

    I understand you because I have thought like that too.

    Good luck getting him back:) Remember to love him always, because love is nothing that you find easily.

  42. My ex lie to me and hide me he was having a long-distance relationship, used me for sex and leave the country for that woman, SO the only thing i want is that she found out the truth, coz she IS been used to. Belive me is better that your apart before this becomes in a destructive circle.

  43. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at I totally recommend this site, helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

  44. grammar correction!!
    my mind, its stronger THAN my heart.

  45. i did the same thing. i am not sure i loved him and i couldn't keep him unhappy so i let him go.. and now he's married and it makes me cry but i don't want to ruin things for him either.. these things are so complicated. i wish we were stronger to deal with them. hope you are coping well, i feel your pain. may you get all the strength you need.


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