Friday, January 8, 2010
sweet and imperfect
Reading the previous posts, I reflected upon my longstanding anxiety and both conscious and unconscious slumber for love. I dream about it so often. I notice it every day. I never FEEL it.
That is going to change.
I am a guy with an eating disorder that has shaped me, physically but also emotionally. I haven’t accepted my physical form for some time. I denied, and so denied others the chance to get close, to feel (either my touch or my warmth)
The other night I let go of my inhibitions’ and let another (guy) get close. It wasn’t love. It was a lustful step towards actualization of the need to experience both life and love. I know that inside my body (whatever it is looking like) is a goodness that needs to be expressed. I am going to share my best asset from now. My ability to love, not just through the format of dreams but through the medium of real life. I am ready to hurt, to feel, to enjoy.
I thank every one for being honest enough to express on this blog. I can’t believe I have sent this but I won’t delete one word.
I am playing my first vulnerable card in the hope that I can find it all: Love; sweet and imperfect.