Friday, January 8, 2010

sweet and imperfect


hedislimane

Reading the previous posts, I reflected upon my longstanding anxiety and both conscious and unconscious slumber for love. I dream about it so often. I notice it every day. I never FEEL it.

That is going to change.

I am a guy with an eating disorder that has shaped me, physically but also emotionally. I haven’t accepted my physical form for some time. I denied, and so denied others the chance to get close, to feel (either my touch or my warmth)

The other night I let go of my inhibitions’ and let another (guy) get close. It wasn’t love. It was a lustful step towards actualization of the need to experience both life and love. I know that inside my body (whatever it is looking like) is a goodness that needs to be expressed. I am going to share my best asset from now. My ability to love, not just through the format of dreams but through the medium of real life. I am ready to hurt, to feel, to enjoy.

I thank every one for being honest enough to express on this blog. I can’t believe I have sent this but I won’t delete one word.

I am playing my first vulnerable card in the hope that I can find it all: Love; sweet and imperfect.

(Grant)

43 comments:

  1. the first step you take is always the hardest, but i'm glad and proud of you for taking it :]

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  2. wow, how touching!
    i wish you the best of luck of becoming happy.

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  3. very honest... i think you will come round and learn to love yourself fully!

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  4. i like this post...it's my fav !
    love , love and love :)

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  5. kudos for you for letting love in to love yourself.

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  6. surely to love is not so simple and easy. love is full of hopes, illusions, happyness and delusions.. but without it life is not worth living! :) I hope Grant, that you'll have the best experiences you can get without getting too much burnt, you can never give up on love!

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  7. WOW.. i don't know what i should say.. i am speechless-

    I wish you luck:)

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  8. it is such an idiotic moment when you realize you have oppressed your feelings for so long and now you cant share love, when you kiss lips its just without matter and you feel like an ice block

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  9. this made me smile :)

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  10. I wish you all the best! Thank you for sharing this with me - it means a lot.

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  11. You´re not alone and I´m sure you inspired alot of people (me for one)!

    As I use to think (not always do or say outloud) is: It´s better to hurt than feel nothing at all. It´s better to live than just being alive.

    To all of you who is looking for a change: It´s never to late and no time will be wasted time if you learn from your mistakes (no matter how long it will take). So take a deep breath and feel it all coming back to you, just how wonderful everything felt that really fantastic summer night! :)

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  12. as far as I know we are all always tryibg to "find it all: love, sweet and imperfect."

    I`m too. And I`m pretty I will, and so will you!

    Love is the most amazing feeling someone can have or be part of.

    = )

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  13. good luck in your ambitions =)
    I wish you all the best!

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  14. grant... I wish you luck & love.

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  15. Good luck, I wish you all the best!

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  16. may your wishes come true :)

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  17. You put this beautifully, thank you. When your heart hurts (for whatever reason, love, loss, change, life, disappointment) I hope you remember your beautiful post, and that it is still very true. That life is beautiful even when it hurts. And it is right but also brave to love and want life. Keep wanting like you do here!

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  18. lately the posts have been kinda depressing...

    can we get some more of the sweet love that we are all addicted to?
    I mean all of us depressed people need something to hold onto... even if it is just a picture or a phrase of someone else's loveliness.

    - m

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  19. sweet

    http://www.passionsforfashion.blogspot.com/

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  20. we're all fighting with something. I hope you find what you're looking for. Things can change when you least expect them xx

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  21. this made me cry, and then smile. Cry, because every word in the beginning reminds me of my life, and my best friend. She has a eating disorder, and.. you can't imagine how hard it is. We're so close and sometimes I live through her eyes and that feeling is..
    In this text, *I* am the one who gets close, mentally. I'm the one who knows. And that's beautiful but hard..

    For you, Grant, I wish all the best. Even though I don't know you, I have a very strong feeling that you are worth it all, and that you can have it all.
    Heart.

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  22. Estoy sentada frente a mi computadora, una fría tarde de invierno, en mi trabajo (es una galería de arte) ayer tuvimos nuestro "opening" y el día de hoy tod está muy tranquilo... descubrí Bloglovin´hace un par de semanas y he encontrado muy buenos blogs sobre moda, el tuyo es la primera vez que lo veo.
    Quisiera agradecerte por conectarme con mis emociones, la entrada que hiciste es brutalmente honesta y no puedo dejar de pensar en el contacto humano que puede llegar a generar el ser un blogger y un lector de un blog.
    Epero que tengas gratas experiencias después de haberte abierto así ante tí y ante todos tus seguidores y que al final de este año nos estes diciendo que has encontrado finalmente el amor!
    un abrazo para tí :)!

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  23. i wish you the best of luck of becoming happy.

    Work from home India

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  24. The first step > admitting that you've denied something that's true.

    Gratz. It can only get easier from here.

    xoxo skg

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  25. I wish you the best on your journey of love. Wether it is for someone els, the world, your self or even your own body. You are beautifull and good the way you are. Always remember that :)

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  26. Hi, I'm from Sweden and I just love your blog. I hope you'll get happy :)

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  27. kudos to you for sharing this, and i think you have finally realized what it is that'll really make you happy. thank you so much for emailing it because I think it'll really inspire everyone who reads it!

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  28. I'm proud of you. remember the goodness inside you, nurture it, and stay strong. Love will come to you.

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  29. keep living. keep loving.
    you have a beautiful soul.

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  30. Totally inspired. *wide smile* Thank you for everything

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  31. Thanks everyone for your kind words, they uplift me so much!

    Wishing you all the love which you have shown to me and so much more

    grant Xx

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  32. If you persevere you will find what you are looking for.
    Good luck, and thank you for being brave enough to share :)

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  33. print this and keep it in your wallet

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  34. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  35. Can I just say that, as a recovered, or perhaps recovering sufferer from eating disorder(s), I truly truly understand how brave and difficult and warm to step out of the comfort zone and be open again.
    But, not to be discouraging, it's going to be hard.
    Much as drug abusers, it's always easier to turn back to the one thing you used to rely on, not that we enjoy it; it's just easier.
    and sometimes you might have doubts, about yourself or the person you're letting to get close.
    I hope that, even if you feel like retreating or even if you actually do draw back again, you'd always remember what you felt writing this post and get back on.

    and to Lina, though you probably know it all along,
    you must be one really amazing person and good company that your best friend would ''allow'' to you be stick around (read: that you could persist being by her side when she must have pushed you away thousands of times, cruelly sometimes maybe). And thanks for not giving up.

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  36. So nice to see truly expressive and intelligent writing on this blog.

    I wish you the best of luck, friend!

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  37. A beautiful and touching post, and so nice to see so many supportive comments too. Wishing you all the very best with your quest for love.

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  38. i wish you the best of luck of becoming happy.

    Work from home India

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  39. The thing you're writing is a big blunder.

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