Thursday, January 14, 2010

i don’t want to be your best version.


eugene suo-me

You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. I mean that in the worst way possible. I mean the kind of novels that make you cry when you’re writing them and when you’re reading them.

I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.

For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.

They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.

Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.

I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.

You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realised no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.

But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.

You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realise that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.

So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live.

I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here.

I’m going to forget the times that it was just us.

I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened.

I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.

I’m going to forget how I felt about you.

Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.

But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.

I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.

Kamara

78 comments:

  1. why so much anger?

    close yr eyes,
    clear your heart.

    let it go.

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  2. i understand your anger perfectly. i know what it is like to be so in love with someone that it hurts to breathe when they arent there. and then when they give you nothing, it almost shatters you. i think it is very brave that you wrote your name after this. i want to be a new me as well. for 6 months i have been breaking down after i broke up with my boyfriend. i broke up with him because he no longer seemed to think i was worth any thing or time. you are better off. dont wait. dont go back into that spiral. you are better, for now, on your own.

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  3. You're stronger than him.
    You're better than him.
    You're greater than the person he has made you.

    I believe it. And so should you.

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  4. wow. this is ridiculously familiar to me. i was always waiting for the phone to ring, always wanting him to show up unexpectedly. but i was never the most important to him. and he never told me completely how he felt. i understand how you feel, and i want to forget too. the thing is, when you have nothing to distract you, nothing new to focus on, its so hard to forget.

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  5. This is the best and most encouraging letter ever. You have not idea how this makes me feel because this is exactly how i feel and exactly what I'm going to do. I couldn't have said this any better at all. This makes me have such high hopes. Wow. This is stunning and breathe taking. This is so good I good there is not a good enough word to explain how captivating this is. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You have made me even better about myself. Thank you sooo much thank you.

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  6. I bet he loves you.

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  7. i came on here tonight hoping to find some inspiration... and wow, i could have written this story tonight! im trying to do the same thing, starting today. its brutal right now, but i know i will be better for it in the long run. thanks so much for sharing!

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  8. Exact same position as you as of two days ago. We can do it. At some point in every person's life you have to decide to not let other's rule your life. Because if they were loving back, they wouldn't want to rule your life. They would be happy just to be a part of it.

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  9. this is me ! this is exactly my own emotion at this very point of time ! each passing moment makes it all the more difficult to stand this situation. but i have decided to let go, i know its so easy to just blurt out these words ' i've decided to let go" but its all the more difficult, i just cant stop thinking of her every second...but reading your post here gave me that thrust, that strength, it provides meaning to the quest, the struggle, that phase of life i am going through right, i just hope it all gets right in the end. I sincerely wish for the same for you too....

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  10. So very sad. Good luck :(

    Check out my blog!

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  11. Don't like anonymous comments. iZ my gal lookin' at somebody? Or is someOne lookin' at my gal?

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

    :)

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  12. i didn't think this was angry at all. i think this was someone who has finally decided to take control of a situation that caused so much pain. and i commend you for it.

    so many of us wish we could be so strong.

    good luck...you'll find the one.

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  13. I agree with Anonymous above.

    I was in the same position last year, begging for my ex's love. But after taking control of my life, I am much happier now. I was able to do things beyond my wildest imagination.

    This post is very sad.

    We are all behind you. You can make it! :)

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  14. you are so very brave.
    i can only hope to be as brave as you are one day.
    i am in this exact situation.
    just remember, don't make someone priority if you are only an option to them.

    xoxo
    check my blog out<3

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  15. so what if he does ring. and does text. and does visit. and doesnt drift. ?

    but he still does the same old thing. and hes still with whatsherface.

    what do we do then?

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  16. oye. so close to home and so true it hurts.

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  17. this is exactly how I felt, like, half a year ago. oh my.

    Now I've got a boyfriend. I met him by accident, and it's the most beautiful thing I've had, this relationship.

    I despise this other guy.
    And he apparently doesn't want any contact with me neither.

    He was the one who removed me from facebook, and didn't want me to contact him anymore. and that was kind of a sucess. Even if I suspect that he did this just because he was seeing one of my friends (who didn't and don't want him, haha.). In his face.

    If there's one guy I'd want to slap, that would be him.
    But I won't.
    I'm better than that. and than he is.
    And so are you.

    You must be so strong for doing this. I admire you.

    I just hope that you don't go back to him, like I did several times.

    hugs,
    Elsa.

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  18. I have recently gone through the same series of realizations that you have, and i congratulate you. you deserve better than this, don't even let yourself think otherwise. my guess is that deep down, he does care for you, but he can't give you what you need. it doesn't sound like you are asking for much at all and my guess is you will be happier and in the long run have a much better life than he will ever know. years down the line, he will kicking himself for screwing things up between the two of you. you sound like the best thing that has happened to him.

    i applaud you and support you in your attempt to better yourself for your own personal benefit. you deserve more out of a relationship than this person is giving you, and i whole-heartedly believe that you will find another, more deserving person who you can form a much stronger bond with. good luck in your journey! know that you have support and are understood!

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  19. i don't think this letter in angry.it's just very honest.i know what it's like to to try to convince yourself that you'll be fine and that you'll have a life away from him when a thousand irrational cables attach you to the said person.
    i really hope you'll find a life away from him.you deserve to be the first.

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  20. And as someone else wrote above.. this is not angry at all. Just really honest and true.

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  21. Thank you everyone, so so much. Thank you.

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  22. Hey, what you are experiencing and what you are going to do gives me hope to be able to stand on my feet again!

    I feel it as my boyfriend asked for another breakup. What broke my heart was that because he broke up with me before and ask for another chance. And now after me giving him a second chance, he wants to break with me again for the same reason.

    I feel so drained and I don't know if its me already used to him treating me like that or because I know he will come back again.

    But reading your post, gives me a ray of hope. I don't have to wait anymore for him and if he did ask for another forgiveness, I know I should not be giving him one.

    Thank you soo much!

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  23. I'm in the exact same position. I'm feeling every word.

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  24. You'll find someone better! I know you will. Hang in there, move on. Someday prince charming will show up, and then you'll be ready for him, not stuck on some jerk who doesn't deserve you :)

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  25. Yes, a relationship is doomed if it requires you to make a sacrifice for its sake. How can you be everything to someone else when you are nothing to yourself? Hold strong, stand up for who you are. Your personhood does not depend on him (or her), may even falter in his/her hands. Don't let anyone take you away from you.

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  26. Oh my god. This must be faith! reading this text to me is like some inner voice telling me to stop waisting my time on this stupid man. Gosh... Im happy, i feel strong! this will be a good weekend. Ohh I'm gonna walk tall!

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  27. seriously the dude sounds like a zero to begin with and men never change no matter how much they say they will. your life will be so much better without him and you will do things you didn't think you'd do before and be much happier for it. even if he does come crawling back to you why would you want someone in your life who didn't care all that much to begin with, i mean you started out as the other woman what makes you think their isn't more and won't be more? Regardless you are strong for taking notice you just need to completely move on and I promise you your life will get so much better :)

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  28. I feel exactly the same way. You'll get through this :)

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  29. Nice post!
    I follow You
    XOXO.

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  30. I wrote about in my blog here .. take a look and see if you like.
    Kisses. http://oromperdodia.blogspot.com/

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  31. That first half before "the other woman" is quite similar to me as well. just today i called "J" and there was no answer. I thought because he was busy he would call me back. He hasn't. How can someone tell you they reall like you (since New Years) and not call you. I told myself today I have had enough. He got what he wanted under the pretext of being sympathetic to my situation. He's an asshole after all no matter how nice he presents himself to be.

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  32. when is it ever overJanuary 15, 2010 at 12:16 PM

    Hey i went through the exact same thing. I understand the realization that you're lowering yourself (sorry english is not my first language) to be with him, the frightening knowledge that you would do anything, you would crawl on your knees for it to happen. it being the relationship that you could have, that you hang on tp, but actually will never have. And at one moment you realise that this can't keep on, for your sake. THe most difficult part for me was to let go of the hope. The fleeting hope that sometimes it would happen, in the near future, sometimes he would realize that you were the one, that he's meant to be with you... So even if nothing's happening and he's out of your life and your dealing with how to survive without him in the present you can't let go of the idea that sometimes you'll meet again. ANd then...That's the problem with relationship that are not completed. You're frustrated and you always wonder what if?
    And then, with time, you let go. And you realize that if he's put you through all that,consciously, if he could hurt you thatm uch without really caring, there's no way that you'd take him back, even if he came back. And it's the most amazing feeling ever, you regain your thoughts, your independence, your life, your happiness, your freedom of thoughts, that are not constantly blocked by him...
    It is worth it!

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  33. Don't subconsciously wait either. He doesn't deserve it. Move on.

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  34. "m. said...
    so what if he does ring. and does text. and does visit. and doesnt drift. ?

    but he still does the same old thing. and hes still with whatsherface.

    what do we do then?"

    M, I am stuck in this position. Damn him. He is so selfish.

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  35. this is my life aswell. it was like i was reading my own thought. i know exatcly how you feel. be strong. im trying to do the same.

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  36. Thank you for sharing. I have been here before. So many of us have. It is beautiful to feel so much pain. I just can't explain it.

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  37. I started to cry. It's honest and real. I feel the words.. 'cause I've been there before, and some parts of me still are.

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  38. This is ever so beautiful Kamara.

    I loved every word of it.
    Sometimes it's so inexplicable how it is
    we come to put up with being numero 2, or 3 , or 4
    but sometimes for the "love" of it we do. Well you're
    right, if they don't love you back then let's get the sense
    to realize we can love ourselves more.

    All the best to you,
    keep on walking tall.

    -k

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  39. i've been in the exact situation a year ago. and i did let go. i made it and i feel free now. i don't think about him any longer. he always denied that we were more than just friends. but i know he knew the truth. i saw him today at the bus station and we ignored each other.
    when i was reading this story i thought about the time after we "broke up". you know, i was empty. i was empty for 6 entire months and my friends and my mother were seriously worried. but it's over now. i really loved him, but that was a long time ago.
    I'm sure you'll have the strength. you seem so powerfull. thank you for sharing, kamara. you're so brave!
    <3 (please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes)

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  40. Oh..you really touch me a lot with tour text. I'm french and i waS in the same situation than you. When in read tour text, in see me a few times ago, with the same feelings and the same story. You touch me something. I want help you because you can fight and won this so if you read this and if you want talking about this with me, write me: imak__@hotmail.fr

    Don't hesitate, really. I wish you all the better things of the world.

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  41. Speechless... that's what I'm right now.
    Amazing letter.
    Incredible decision you made.
    And you know it is the right one if you feel it in your heart. Stop. Breathe. Feel.
    Don't let anybody make you feel worthless.
    When in a relationship you have to be the other's person 1st as he/she is to you.
    I hope you are ok, fighting for the relationship you have with yourself, which is the most important of all.
    Lots of Love from Spain,

    xxx

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  42. This is the most beautiful, most honest, most inspirational thing I have ever read on Le Love.

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  43. Thank you all so, so much. I feel so supported and I feel even stronger now. :) Thank you all!!

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  44. So very inspiring with such honesty. I wish you all the best in the world.

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  45. While reading this, one person came to my mind. I've tried my best to let him go and I think I've done pretty well. But reading this hit me so close to home that I found myself getting choked up.

    Good luck to you.

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  46. I have felt this way too many times..

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  47. i really wanna thank you. you are so brave that i wish i were you. i felt ur anger and heat was rising as i read through the article. i could understand fully how u feel cos i am in the same exact position, or somewhat worse. our problems are still hanging there and we are not acknowledging them. we were best friends. but now... i may be nothing to him.

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  48. i'm crying :( this is the best letter ever! i'm in similar situation.. we broke up 6 months ago but i still love him, he is so undecided i don't know what to do ..


    be strong girl <3

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  49. ok this is scary.. exactly what im going through and just this morning i decided to move on, even if it will hurt so bad. thank you for posting this, makes me feel stronger. I wish you all luck cause i know how it feels.

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  50. I love every post on here. But this one I needed, this gives me hope and strength and I will read it everyday so I can continue to move forward.

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  51. its like youve read my mind and wrote exactly what i need and feel down for me. thank you im not the only one that has this crazy hope of suprise vists and that they are going to call. i too recently have had to go through the same situation though i was not the other woman i always felt like there was someone else or he was not always telling to truth. this text spoke to me. thank you you have really helped after 3 years of being with this man i finally need to let it go and you have truly helped me realise that

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  52. you can do it.
    i know you can.

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  53. Amazing. I follow Le love religiously, but by far the most inspirational one. Its as if you are my inner voice. If i have neglected to write my thoughts now, you have for me. Thank you for showing me it is possible to walk tall. Goodluck! Cheers, N.

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  54. That was so well written -
    It hit me hard.

    All the best, Kamara.

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  55. I've felt the same pain before. I'm sorry you had to go through it too. Keep your head held high and you'll be okay.

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  56. i am feeling the same thing too kamara. i'm glad you've moved on. i wish i could be as strong as you. as determined as you.

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  57. I was reading this, and felt so much resonance until I saw the part about starting as the other woman. Bingo. That was me, 9 months ago. But I've moved on. I don't love him anymore, I don't cry over him anymore, because someone like him just isn't worth it. He isn't worth my time, my effort, my heart. I wish you could see that too.

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  58. I dont know why, but this made me want to write something like it. It doesnt come close to how good that was written but i thought i would share it with you..

    Love,
    Your sister =]



    I thought I'd be used to the cold by now.
    It's been so long.
    He probably feels the same way. Thats why he is the way he is...but
    I only feel empty

    Happiness, once within me .. dies.

    Now, the empty space only allows the cold in.
    Deeper, deeper, sharper. No way out.
    Almost as if temperature does not exist.

    The cold rises.

    I sleep, to dream of when he "loved me"
    but i freeze.

    eyes wide open. I'm still here.

    I realize. again.
    those memories are gone..
    ..and as i'm frozen in time, i can't move on

    Time.
    It plays its tricks. But i no longer fall for them.

    I would let go.
    fade.
    freeze..like everything else.

    The only thing that is stopping me is my heart.
    It won't give in to the cold.

    Restless.

    It still loves.


    Because our promises were to never stop loving each other.
    And while I kept mine...



    ...he never kept his.

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  59. http://panfoulia.blogspot.com/

    http://panfoulia.blogspot.com/

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  60. This entry is exactly how I feel -- it's amazing that someone out there who is a complete stranger could be going through something so similar.

    I wish you the best in moving on and finding your joy.

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  61. WOW! that gave goosebumps!

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  62. I wish all the best :) Sometimes things may never go the way we want them to be, but it doesn't mean they didn't go they way it should be.

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  63. This is absolutely beautiful.

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  64. I am going through something so similar its scary. Im actually crying right now after reading that cause you said everything i have to say.. I am seeing a man who is going to get married on april 16, 2010 and I am just torn. I fell in love with him the first moment I saw him, the first moment we spoke, the first moment he said something witty, the first moment he smiled, the first time it was just him and I, the first time I felt his embrace, the first we kissed. Ive been in a few very long term relationships (4-5 years each) all back to back, and as soon as I met Matthew it was like nothing I have ever felt before. This may sound silly but I know he is my soulmate. He genuinely likes the real me. I don't hold anything back or pretend to be something else when I am with him. And the first time we kissed I knew he was meant to be with me. Now I am sitting here cold and empty, waiting for a text or call or random visit at my work, and I just wish that there is a reason to all of this. I hope it is not in vain. Im not sure what to do or what I even can do, but I know I have to do something. You only live once, you have to do what feels right. So I make sure that he knows how much I care for him, not just from what I say but from how I look at him.

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  65. Soul Meets Body -

    I know. It's hard. That's how I felt. But he doesn't. He didn't. And it was just an adventure of destruction that I could have stopped. I do want to be with him after everything. But when I stop, when I catch my breath and remember why I did this, I'm ok. I will be ok. I can and I will be ok. Because life stops for nobody. He isn't stopping for me. I'm not going to stop for him. And life. Life goes on.

    I know it seems unbearable. But at the end of the day, the only important thing is for you to be happy. I'm not telling you to walk away or to give up. Do it. Take a risk. Live. Ask. Hope. And love. Because at the end of the day if you don't jump. If you don't take risks, there's no point in living. There's no point in loving. You need to think about it though. Think about him. What you think he could feel. And when you have enough courage or you've straight up had enough. Ask him. Be the bigger person. Ask him straight out. It's either make or break. And for you, I really hope it's make. For me it wasn't. For me it was the last conversation. The last argument. The last words. But I'm ok. I will be ok. And at the end of the day, I promise, it's all worth it. Because you, you are all worth it. And don't you dare let anyone tell you any different.

    *hugs*

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  66. Tonight we shared unbelievable secrets that had been weighing us both down for quite sometime. I want to thank you so much for accepting mine so well. After reading this i feel so much for the situation you were in and believe so strongly that you will be okay. i'm always here for you Kamara.

    xo

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  67. I don't know what to say. I am going through the same thing.

    He told me that he likes me, he told me he was afraid of falling in love with me, he told me that he didn't want to hurt me and still... he's in love with his ex. I do my best to keep appearances up but slowly I am falling apart. I cry myself to sleep and I am incapable of laughing. He is constantly on my mind. Even though everyone tells me to dump the basterd I can't. I can't find myself to say no to him. It takes him several hours, days even a week to answer a text. It is always on his terms. He never ask if I want to go out with him and his friends unlike me. He... is just slowly breaking me down into small particles and I don't know what to do to get myself together.

    Your text inspired me. I know I deserve better, but I am still hoping. I know that when he gives me a call or sends me a text, I will come running. I can't help myself. I know I should move on... I just can't.

    Thank you Kamara for helping me realize what I should do, even though I might not have the strength to do it.

    Love,
    Sara

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  68. i hope u feel better after u wrote this, when im mad, really mad, i would write all my thoughts, in blogs, goodluck kamara.

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  69. when i read your post today, i was struck with a sense of deja vu. what you felt when you were writing it, is what i've been feeling all week long. this sense of always waiting for him, waiting for him to text, to call, to come see me, to prioritize spending time with him.
    although what i feel now is probably not as intense as what you felt then, i just wanted to take a moment to say, "you're inspiring".

    I hope things are much less painful for you now. I hope you are happier to finally choose yourself first.

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  70. Things aren't easier. There was a period that I actually went back to him. I'm not proud but I learnt another lesson. All it was was me doing the same things over adn over again - every time expecting a different outcome. But you can't. Life has turns, bumps, hiccups, and everytime a piece of the puzzle changes and you have to adapt. I tried to adapt to him so much that I changed as a person. I needed to let go. Then one day, he did something that made me so mad, I was crushed. But he gave me a reason. Finally, I was given a reason to let go. And not by an outsider, not by myself, by the person who mattered to me most. Him. And now, I dispise him. I don't ever want to see him again. If he calls I'll answer, but I won't know who he is. And if I do ever see him again, I won't run, I won't hide, I'll simply take a breath and walk away. Something I should have done a very long time ago.

    So to everyone out there who has said that this applies to them in ridiculous ways, listen, you need to let go. Honestly. Take it from me, afterall, I learnt the hard way. I know it's unbearable, but so is the agony of all the hassel, right? So do yourself a favour, let go, breathe, go out, live, enjoy the little things, make yourself smile. But don't ever stop and look back, afterall, you'll ony get the dust from the steps before.

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  71. I loved this. I loved the way it was written. I'm glad you let go. I'm trying right now to let go... and it sucks.

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  72. This is perfect. This is exactly how I feel, waiting all this time, hoping that he will reach out to me and apologize and give me some indication that he cared. But it hasn't happened, and I really want to accept that and not feel so sad about it. I was also in a way, the "other woman", his dirty little secret and when he told me he had recently started dating someone after we slept together, I was crushed. And then I told him that I thought what we had was more than sex but all he said was he thought we were just having fun and if he'd known I felt that way, he never would have let me come visit him. :( But i still miss him...and i have no idea why.

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