Monday, November 9, 2009

what if one day...


red

I have loved B for the past year. For me, a year is a long time to like somebody – to have your heart balloon every time he texts you, to secretly smile every time he asks a favour, to laugh at all his bad jokes. A year is a long time to love his scruffy beard, to love the way his forehead crinkles when he’s stressed, to love the way his presence makes you feel safe. In my mind I measured B up to other guys, to see if there was someone out there who was better for me. But none of them ever compared to him. He was perfect. And in that entire year I couldn’t find one flaw, no matter how hard I tried.

But then one morning this week, I woke up – and I didn’t love B anymore. (So I guess you can’t really call it love to begin with, can you?) His perfection had suddenly melted away. His steadfast beliefs I had so admired now seemed to be self-conscious, and his confidence seemed somewhat self-absorbed. In that one morning of clarity, I soon became aware of all his flaws. I no longer believe that he is perfect, nor that he is perfect for me.

I still care for him, but I no longer love him. By no means were we superficial - we shared our hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears. So what scares me is that I don’t know how this sudden change of heart happened. Falling out of love shouldn’t be that easy.

What if one day, in the future, I wake up one morning in bed with my future husband, only to find that I do not love him anymore?

-h

71 comments:

  1. this is my biggest fear. i can identify with the change of heart so much. i still try to figure it out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thats why marriage scares me so much, its like can you ever be sure that this is the perosn you are meant to be with and want to spend the rest of your life with?
    Wow...love.

    http://lipstickboudoir.blogspot.com/

    x's

    ReplyDelete
  3. i'm scared of that too. but i think when that happens, we need to remember the things we love about that someone and hold on fast. that's what commitments are, i suppose...but its easier said than done.

    ReplyDelete
  4. are thouse kristen stewart and emile hirsch fron Into the Wild???

    ReplyDelete
  5. scary scary scary. how do we avoid this from happening?

    http://ldistancelovers.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  6. i think you never know - you have to take a chance and enjoy it for however long it lasts. hopefully it will be forever.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am feeling this right now. I do care for her. I really do, but I can't care for her. It's like, she stuck in a world I don't want to be a part of. She said it herself, she can't let go of this or that. I think... I'm better off alone. Scary as the thought may be, maybe I'm not meant to have someone? I can't figure this feeling out, if you do, please tell me. It's so scary and disturbing to me.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know it sounds cliche, but it's so true. When you know, you know.

    My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. We've been through some really amazing times and some extremely difficult times. I can honestly say though that I have never once stopped loving him. Not even for a moment. I could be so upset with him, but still could never imagine my life without him.

    Just keep looking for that person and don't ever settle.

    ReplyDelete
  9. That's why they say "falling in love is easy but staying in love is too tricky"...hmph

    ReplyDelete
  10. "no one falls in love by choice its by chance. no one stays in love by chance its by work. and no one falls out of love by chance its by choice."

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's when you've found his flaws, and you can see that he's a little self-absorbed, perhaps, or a little scruffy, and you love him all the damn same, because he doesn't really need to be perfect. You saw his flaws, but you didn't love them.
    maybe you'll wake up with your future husband and you'll see that he has fluffy eyebrows and he's chronically late to every single place he goes and it's probably going to annoy you but you'll still love him all through it, because those flaws have shaped the man that you have fallen for.

    ..if any of that makes sense..?

    ReplyDelete
  12. You should love someone despite their imperfections; not because you believe that they don't exist.

    ReplyDelete
  13. It takes time for that flame of infatuation to cool down, then maybe we'll start facing things we didn't see before. There are just so many levels of emotions we devote to the others around us, and "love" happens to be the most convenient word to use in any event - which shouldn't be the case.

    I might be a bit negative in this regard, yet I don't think love happens to us that often. We're just mistaken certain emotions for love, so when they fade away, we're disappointed and think that true love doesn't exist, that it doesn't last forever. Isn't that unfair to love?

    ReplyDelete
  14. oh god, i know what you mean, h.
    i'm scared of the same thing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are very much in love. but i always fear that one day one of us will wake up and decide to we dont love the other anymore, after years of marriage and children. my parents finalized their divorce today. that doesn't help quell my fear.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is what I'm scared of down to a tee.

    www.loveandlifeinpictures.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. this is one of my biggest fears ):

    and I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    ReplyDelete
  18. If you suddenly woke up one morning, and no longer felt what you did, it was never love in the first place.

    Love doesn't just disappear. If you love someone, you don't compare them to other people to see if there's someone better.

    When you love someone, you don't want better. You don't want anything other than them.

    Like a previous poster said, when you love someone, you don't question it. If it's love, you'll know.

    Love is when you can see every single flaw a person has, and love them not only despite the flaws, but because of them as well. There have been times when I have been absolutely furious with my girlfriend, but never once for a moment stopped loving her with my entire heart.

    I can't wait to marry her.

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Greg, that is so cute! And I agree, love is not testing and doubting it, trying to find flaws to see if you'd still love him when you find them. I think when you find your special person you'll know, it won't be the same as B. Don't worry! x

    ReplyDelete
  20. i was with M for 3 years. i thought he was the one. i was so crazy in love. then one day, it all started to fade. we haven't been together for awhile, and it's okay. what i'm trying to get at is that it's okay to fall out of love.

    ReplyDelete
  21. this is just so scary, falling in love is one thing...falling out of it ! how would it feel ? like a zombie ?

    ReplyDelete
  22. I feel for you so much.
    Much love to you xxx

    ReplyDelete
  23. That happened to me once, or I thought it did. I thought I fell out of love with someone, I thought that it was too hard (long distance etc) and that I didn't love him enough to make it work. Until he moved on, and now 9 months later he has a new girlfriend and i'm probably more in love with him than ever, and live every day regretting that I questioned my love for him and hating that I'm not with him. Make sure you're not just questioning yourself, and that you actually don't love him anyway. A moment of doubt can ruin a lifetime of opportunities.

    ReplyDelete
  24. how odd, this just happened to me. i thought i liked him, but i woke up one day and saw things with the clarity you did, i saw him for who he really is and it is scary. :/

    ReplyDelete
  25. It happens. Just like that. But what no one seems to want to share is that the opposite happens too. That to me is what constitutes a long-lasting relationship: at times the love goes and then, all of a sudden, you feel it again.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think love is a choice. At first a relationship runs on emotions. The rush of everything. It is blind, but the cover slowly peels away. Then one day you are left with the choice to love or not to love. It does not always come automatically, and sometimes you have to make the choice to love that person, until your heart can catch up with your head.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I think this is a universal fear, that one day the love, adoration and joy we have with one person will just fade.
    I mean everything fades and changes with time...whats the say feelings and emotions wont?

    I really hope this wont be the case for me though! :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I pretty much agree with Greg and Linley - I would question whether or not it was love if you feel this way all of a sudden. You may have really liked him, or had a crush, or some other new complicated way of saying it, but I dont' think love would've fallen away that quickly. I do think, over time, a married couple that has unresolved issues going on can fall away from each other, but the love is still there, it is just overshadowed by all the other emotions.

    I see what you mean about this being scary in regards to marrying one day. I have heard similar fears voiced. However, we never know all of what's going to happen tomorrow. We can, though, make a commitment to another person and vow to keep it. In marriage I'm sure there will be times when you don't like your spouse, or you're frustrated or extremely upset with them, but the underlying glue is that you love them and they are your best friend (hopefully). And the fact that you love them still stands, even when it's not a puppy-eyed love. Don't lose hope in marriage. It will take a lot of work. And if you were married and woke up feeling like this, maybe you wouldn't question if it was love, but instead question what's going on in the relationship to make you feel this way. ~elle

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is my absolute biggest fear. I'm with my bf for almost two years and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but what if the love will disappear? I cry just thinking about it.
    I do hope for "h" that she'll stay in love with her husband for the rest of her life. I believe in love above all.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I sent you this photo (L) ^^



    "What if one day, in the future, I wake up one morning in bed with my future husband, only to find that I do not love him anymore?"

    I don't know... and that's terrifying in some way... who knows the answers?

    ReplyDelete
  31. That thought scares me so much! I hope that you can figure things out!

    ReplyDelete
  32. i love this anonymous frase:
    "no one falls in love by choice its by chance. no one stays in love by chance its by work. and no one falls out of love by chance its by choice."
    i agree 100%!!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. hey! wake up!! marrigie is not that bad.. you focus on a possibility .. have you thought about the amazing mooments you live when you are a wife/husband to someone you love??! and (hello!) divorces are still exist...

    ReplyDelete
  34. We've been married for 37 years, and I still love her and am surprised by her. We ARE fortunate that our paths have zigged and zagged together and not drifted apart.

    I've gotta agree with Dee ... revel in the love while you have it (and don't keep looking for cracks!) And if it slips away, be kind and respectfully open about it.

    No feeling is final.

    ReplyDelete
  35. true love is everlasting...you clearly were not truly in love with him. you'll know when you are because when you are there is NOTHING in the world that will make you fall out of love with him.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My biggest fear is not that that would happen to me, but that that would happen to my boyfriend or future husband. Must be so difficult to have that person you love most fall out of love with you.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Accepting someone's flaws is a part of loving them. Being with someone you think is perfect will never work, because no one is perfect, and one day you'll wake up and see their flaws all at once and be unable to accept them, like you did.

    ReplyDelete
  38. This reminded me of a Clip from Closer that I recently posted:

    http://www.runawaygallery.com/2009/11/closer.html

    ReplyDelete
  39. This blog is so superficial sometimes. As if love doesn't require work and effort and energy. Love is so much more than that tingling of the heart that's called being in love. But no one cares for love any more, if it doesn't sparkle and glitter and make your head explode people will leave it in a heartbeat. It's not about loving someone because they're perfect, but loving them because they aren't. It takes time, it takes energy, and in the end it's so much more rewarding than being in love.
    But no, no one wants to love. They just want to be in love.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I agree with Anonymous right about me (12:38)

    Doesn't anyone understand that "Love is patient, Love is kind... Love always endures, always persists... Love never fails" ?

    Yes you will fall out of lust. It's inevitable. When you emerge from the haze where everytime he sneezes you believe it's love, you'll see that you're either left with something of substance or you were just admiring this person superficially.

    My bf annoys me, my bf uses incorrect grammar, my bf leaves dishes in the sink, my bf can be insensitive but if for a MOMENT I step back and see that I can be just as annoying and messy and inconsiderate, then I can accept that I am in no position to judge. I love him through this mess because he's HUMAN. He's not perfect and never will be. I will not, he will not, you will not.

    There was an interesting post a few days ago about "female porn". It's accepting that a knight in shining armor will protect us always, deliver us from evil and always care for us is a fairytale, it's fantasy and it's improbable.

    By the same token, believing you will always feel warm and fuzzy for your significant other is a ruse. You won't. But if you love this person (as a person, not as who they represent to you/how they feed your ego), you will love them when they're unlovable.

    If that's what you expect from this future husband, you must give it yourself.

    http://sideeyeintervention.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  41. I was (and still am) in love.

    It is so difficult because he pushed me away with lies and bad things, and now we know we don't belong together. But there is still love, it's still there though I hate what he has done and how it makes me feel terrible and how I worked so hard to fix everything.

    It's true, love is hard work, and love never really goes away, but it can fade and change and become a new kind of love. It does change.

    ReplyDelete
  42. You write such beautiful texts...

    ReplyDelete
  43. How can this be anyone's BIGGEST fear?? This is life...it happens.

    I just got out of a 4 year relationship and I had fallen out of love with him. Yeah it was painful and unpleasant when I realized he's never going to be the perfect guy for me...this made me unpleasant to be around but you break it off and you move on!

    You concentrate on bettering yourself and getting back your individuality. I no longer have to worry about his needs and his wants...it's all about me and it's awesome! I can now worry about being a better person for myself, my friends and my family.

    I'm sure I'll fall in lust, in infatuation, in love with someone new soon but I'm not going to worry about it or fear it because when I do fall out of lust/obsession/infatuation/love again, I know I can take care of myself and be happy by myself. It will happen. It's part of life. But you need to pick yourself up and move on. No need to fear it. If it's meant to be then it will be. If you are not ready then it won't be!

    Take a deep breath, smile and focus on the present.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I'm so glad other people feel like this as well. I was with my boyfriend for two and half years, we lived together and did everything together. Then when I took some time for myself, I realised that I didn't love him, that he wasn't as perfect as he made me think he was. I'm glad I broke up with him when I did, but I'm scared as well that it'll just happen again, I'll think that I've found the one, when it turns out that I haven't. Breaking up with him was horrible, and I'm scared to do it again, I even feel scared to meet someone new. Love is difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  45. i felt this about the boy i liked for a year too, one day i just woke up and was like wow i dont like him anymore, i dont care if he takes a full half hour to reply back to my text or if he doesnt start the conversation with me on msn. i just didnt like him like i used too loll

    ReplyDelete
  46. can someone tell me how to fall out of love on purpose? because there is this boy i cant get out of my head and he's way moved on?

    ReplyDelete
  47. This is because love is not a feeling, that's infatuation, and the feeling of romantic love (also called limerence) comes and goes

    To truly love someone is a choice--to commit to the well being of the other person as far as it can be accomplished from your end. That's real love y'all. That's what people do when they are married for 50 years and die in each others' arms. You think they felt heartsick every time they saw the other wake up in the morning?

    No. They decided to commit to spending their lives with someone and seeing them in the best light possible. They probably went through hard times, even almost hated each other when the depression and anxiety of some seasons of living set in. Life is like that, alone or with a partner. There are times of sadness and weighty, unpleasant things, and there are times of optimism and joy. They are all part of a mentally healthy existence and a full and happily lived life.

    Those who make it are those with mental toughness and a strong foundation to build upon--common values, complementary personalities, and good character.

    That's love. Not all this bullshit rom com stuff, though it is nice to feel it all, real love is a commitment and it's not cute or fluffy all the time. I also think you kinda know when you find that person who you could still remember you love even when you see them do things that irritate you or you see through their bullshit or pride or whatever else. If you can remember their goodness and act upon that even in your anger to the best of your ability, that's a real strong love right there. It's tough! It's not going to happen without hard work! Sometimes it sucks! But it's totally worth it, just ask any couple who has been together a long time and treasures the life they've shared with their spouse. By no means was it easy.

    If love is merely the pleasantries, it would not be the force that sustains friendships, parent-child relationships, and long term love affairs throughout someone's life span. It's nice to think of romantic love as different from other bonds, but if they are truly loving relationships, they will all be built on the same commitment to care for the other through all seasons as long as your emotional and mental health is not neglected in the process.

    end rant.

    ReplyDelete
  48. You can't let the "what ifs" stop you...if you end up backing out of something that could be great, or hesitating when something amazing comes along, only because you're scared of the "what ifs", then you'll never experience life the way it was meant to be experienced.

    ReplyDelete
  49. dont make things too complicated.If u think u gonna fall out of love then u will. coz its not love and coz ur provoking this. True love is unstoppable and unbeatable. Try to let go and u will understand..

    ReplyDelete
  50. I agree with Greg. I don't think it was love in the first place.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I recognise his annoying quirks (ie never answers his phone, is an incredibly slow typer, procrastinates on things like getting his driver's license) but I still love him completely. I know this is love, because not for a second, could I imagine life without him (even if it means putting up with his annoying quirks!)

    I agree with ML, love is looking beyond these obstacles. There may have been times when I was completely infuriated with my boyfriend, but at the end of the day, I still want to rush home to him and be in his arms.

    You may have thought you had love, but I think you've mistaken it for infatuation. You were in what they call the 'honeymoon' phase. Don't think love is just the heart tingles. That's just the surface. Love is much deeper then a faster heartbeat and butterflies in the stomach. When it does happen, you'll just know - it's not just a matter of waking up to find it gone.

    ReplyDelete
  51. oh my god. this happened to me just last week. not so much the 'seeing his perfection as flaws' but i fell out of love and i cant explain why.

    ReplyDelete
  52. the same thing happened to me. or. not just one morning. but one morning I just got irritated over somathing he said. and that did never happen before. and as the days passed, I got more and more irritated. it ended up with me not wanting to go to him ( we had a long-distance relationship). but I just ignored my feelings and thoughts, because I was to affraid to be alone. but my point is, I believe, when you are with the right one, the flaws will somehow never irritated you.

    ReplyDelete
  53. This scares the crap out of me.

    ReplyDelete
  54. "the flaws will somehow never irritated you."

    Not true. They can irritate you, infuriate you, and frustrate you. But when you love someone, it doesn't matter that they do this. I couldn't love someone who never bothered me.

    Nobody wants perfection, not really. You can be with someone who doesn't have anything wrong with you. The great thing about love is that you feel everything: Sadness, frustration, anger, but also joy and happiness.

    ReplyDelete
  55. That question has been killing me lately...I hate it, I hate the very thought of falling out of love because then how do you know it was really love in the first place?

    Oddly enough, I've always fought with two ideals of love.

    The first being that anyone, anywheres can fall in love with just about anyone else...given the right combination of shared experiences and timing. This is pretty broad I know but my thought is basically that we can create the emotions and the bond of love with anyone, any stranger on the street. This takes away the idea of "the one and only" for me and leaves the whole question pretty open...

    But at the same time, I grew up with parents who are happily married after 30 years. They showed me that that one perfect person is out there, and that chance and circumstance can bring you together, and that there really could be no one else. They had rough times too but they always worked through it and knew that beyond anything else they wanted to just be together. Nothing was more important than their love for one another.

    A love like theirs is what I'm truely hoping to find, because then I know I won't worry about waking up and falling out of love. It just wouldn't happen...

    ReplyDelete
  56. sometimes i feel like this will happen to me..

    ReplyDelete
  57. is this photo a screencap from into the wild? it is lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  58. there is no such thing as "out of the blue."
    it must've been there already, just supressed..and something triggered it.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I thought about reading all the comments before mine, but then i saw that a lot of people were sharing in their fears and so i decided that i would share my advice.
    honestly if you could fall out of what you were calling love that fast, then you probably weren't in love (like you said) but the frighting part is, that you thought you were. The best thing you can do right now is step back and figure out what you want from a relationship, and then what your idea of love is. Then take some time to watch relationships around you, friends, family, and identify what you think you want love to be. if your realistic, you'll come out wanting someone kind, funny, caring, and a mixture of other things that suit your character and needs. Until you identify these things and decide for yourself that you ARE worth those things, you will find yourself in the same spot.
    best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  60. Don't worry.

    'love is learning to love an imperfect person perfectly'.

    to truly be in love, you can recognise the flaws of the person you love, accept these flaws and love them regardless.

    ReplyDelete
  61. a year and couldnt see any flaws?
    and it happened overnight?

    fishy..

    ever tried being in their shoes?

    are you a perfectionist by any chance?

    ReplyDelete
  62. I think I agree with Lyndi Polivnick.I've heard this saying before.Nobody's perfect.

    But to realise you don't love someone all of a sudden,there must be a reason behind it.

    ReplyDelete
  63. ive been with my boyrfiend since high school. we moved in together in may.

    I think ive fallen out of love.

    Its a horrible feeling when the feeling is anything but mutual. how do you explain to someone who is in love with you, someone who has spent the last 9 years of his life certain that he was building a life with the person he would be with forever, that you are opting out?

    Its a wave of sadness every day. Hes my best friend. The prospect of having all our shared hopes, experiences, jokes, and memories die bc of our looming separation is nauseating.


    I agree with those who said that if you fall out of love you were never in it. He has been a lot of things to me, and our relationship has changed since its inception at the tender age of 15, but I believe that what i perceived as love was actually a sense of comfort, security, and kindness. I will always love him for the person he is, but I can not in good conscience continue on the path to marriage with these thoughts in my head.

    at the end of the day, i know deep down that if i was supposed to stay with him, I wouldn't be able to ever even think the above statement, let alone type it.

    ReplyDelete
  64. what if someday you wake up, just to find out that your husband doesn't love you anymore?

    ReplyDelete
  65. Don't forget, people, that we are animals and that our hormones and brain chemistry rules us more than we want to recognize. It has been studied by doctors several times and it's a known fact that "falling in love" has a time duration: "In 2005, Italian scientists at Pavia University found that a protein molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return to previous levels after one year."
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_(scientific_views)

    It's good to know, even if that sounds so cold and des-mistifying. It's up to you to fight for a relation when that initial feeling disappears. You have to ask yourself what really makes you happier, as with everything in this life, and go for it.

    And I really believe all those hundreds of years of "monogamy and one person for life" propaganda have caused so much pain.. We were non-monogamic, and nomad, no so long ago, and for much more thousands of years, before that was imposed to us. We must des-mistify all this, and just really fight for our happiness, no matter what society trys to impose you.

    Helena

    ReplyDelete
  66. omg, it feels just like i wrote this. The exact same thing happend to me with a guy named Brian.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I'm currently on the unloved end of this equation... My girlfriend of three years recently told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me... That she cares about me and doesn't want to see me hurt but she can't do 'this' anymore... I'm still hopelessly in love and don't know what happened

    I don't know what to do

    GetPopped at www.wet-pop.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  68. Your husband or boyfriend wants more sex then you? You may loose him... Many women are concerned about the products which are used for female libido enhancement. However female pink viagra is clinically proven and has been used by many women all over the world. This is also used for a sense of well being. When it is taken as a daily supplement, it boosts the libido level and creates a proper balance in the hormonal system. This is prescribed by doctors for a healthy and happy love life. Most women are not free about discussions about their love life. The reason is obvious. They are shy and do not know about the ways they broach the subject. Now you can have an extensive range of female libido enhancement programs from an online shop. All the products are made from natural ingredients and they are completely safe to use. The products are made in proper clinics and are tested. So if you are concerned about the safety of the products, you can be assured. Among the numerous products one can go for Female Viagra. This product has herbal ingredients. This comes in a tablet form. All the ingredients in this tablet are chosen carefully so that it can prove beneficial for the female reproductive system. Get your bright orgasms in twenty seconds with Female Viagra!

    ReplyDelete
  69. It cannot really have success, I suppose so.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...