Tuesday, November 24, 2009

it wasn’t right


He was my best friend. That one person in my life that truly meant everything to me. I knew that no matter what I did or what I said, he always accepted me for who I was. He loved me no matter what. And not just like a friend.

I knew he had those kinds of feelings for me, I always had. Our friendship started with him saying that he was in love with me. We had known each other for a while then, but only very shallow. I had a small crush on him too, so we started hanging out. While my feelings grew into friendship, his only grew stronger.

We were both very open with how we felt about each other. I think that is what made our friendship so honest, deep and strong. For almost a year, we hung out almost every day, and became the best of friends but nothing more. I hated it. I could see how he just fell apart every time he saw me with a boy. Knowing that it was I who made him feel like… It created a big hole in my heart. I think it was these feelings that made me do what I did.

During the summer we almost didn’t see each other for two months. I missed him more than anyone else and in the back of my head; I started to wander if I wasn’t falling in love with him. I created these pictures in my head of how I would tell him and how happy he would be and how easy our relationship would be. Because we already knew each other. It would be perfect. And easy. Maybe I should say that around this time, my life was anything but easy. At home, it was chaos, I hated school and I had just gotten out of a relationship that was horrible. I needed easy.

At the end of the summer when we finally saw each other again, I decided to tell him. We kissed and I asked him if he still was in love with me, which he was. But I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right. Kissing him didn’t make me feel all happy and walking on clouds. It made me want to get out of there. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. When he wanted to kiss me, I turned my head away, when he wanted to hold my hand, I put it in my pocket and when he wanted to see me, I made up excuses so that I couldn’t. All that was supposed to be so easy was just so wrong.

A few weeks went by and he started noticing. Finally, he confronted me and asked me what was going on. At that point, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t lie to him. So I told him. I told I didn’t have any feelings for him, and that I probably never had. I told him that it just had been so convenient to be with him. I wanted him t be angry, I wanted him to yell at me, but he didn’t. When I cried and said that I was sorry, he took me in his arms, stroke my hair and told me that it was going to be okay. That he would always be there for me, that he always would be my best friend and that I could never lose him.

So we continued to be best friends. We didn’t even mention it again. All he said was that I meant too much for him, he had t see me, even if it meant just being friends. Weeks flew by and it was all back to normal. Until one night. I had had a bit too much to drink at a party and so right in front of him, I made out with a boy I didn’t even know. 3 am that night I got a text message from him where it said that he couldn’t see me anymore. It hurt too much.

That night, I cried. I cried for two weeks. I couldn’t believe what I had done to him. My best friend who I loved. Hadn’t I hurt him enough already? I was playing with his feelings like it was just another game. I was supposed to be that person he always could count on. And now, I had destroyed him. Since that night, I haven’t met him or talked to him. It was six months ago. And since that night, a huge part of my life is missing. Just because I wanted something easy.

- A
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