Tuesday, November 24, 2009

it wasn’t right


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He was my best friend. That one person in my life that truly meant everything to me. I knew that no matter what I did or what I said, he always accepted me for who I was. He loved me no matter what. And not just like a friend.

I knew he had those kinds of feelings for me, I always had. Our friendship started with him saying that he was in love with me. We had known each other for a while then, but only very shallow. I had a small crush on him too, so we started hanging out. While my feelings grew into friendship, his only grew stronger.

We were both very open with how we felt about each other. I think that is what made our friendship so honest, deep and strong. For almost a year, we hung out almost every day, and became the best of friends but nothing more. I hated it. I could see how he just fell apart every time he saw me with a boy. Knowing that it was I who made him feel like… It created a big hole in my heart. I think it was these feelings that made me do what I did.

During the summer we almost didn’t see each other for two months. I missed him more than anyone else and in the back of my head; I started to wander if I wasn’t falling in love with him. I created these pictures in my head of how I would tell him and how happy he would be and how easy our relationship would be. Because we already knew each other. It would be perfect. And easy. Maybe I should say that around this time, my life was anything but easy. At home, it was chaos, I hated school and I had just gotten out of a relationship that was horrible. I needed easy.

At the end of the summer when we finally saw each other again, I decided to tell him. We kissed and I asked him if he still was in love with me, which he was. But I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right. Kissing him didn’t make me feel all happy and walking on clouds. It made me want to get out of there. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. When he wanted to kiss me, I turned my head away, when he wanted to hold my hand, I put it in my pocket and when he wanted to see me, I made up excuses so that I couldn’t. All that was supposed to be so easy was just so wrong.

A few weeks went by and he started noticing. Finally, he confronted me and asked me what was going on. At that point, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t lie to him. So I told him. I told I didn’t have any feelings for him, and that I probably never had. I told him that it just had been so convenient to be with him. I wanted him t be angry, I wanted him to yell at me, but he didn’t. When I cried and said that I was sorry, he took me in his arms, stroke my hair and told me that it was going to be okay. That he would always be there for me, that he always would be my best friend and that I could never lose him.

So we continued to be best friends. We didn’t even mention it again. All he said was that I meant too much for him, he had t see me, even if it meant just being friends. Weeks flew by and it was all back to normal. Until one night. I had had a bit too much to drink at a party and so right in front of him, I made out with a boy I didn’t even know. 3 am that night I got a text message from him where it said that he couldn’t see me anymore. It hurt too much.

That night, I cried. I cried for two weeks. I couldn’t believe what I had done to him. My best friend who I loved. Hadn’t I hurt him enough already? I was playing with his feelings like it was just another game. I was supposed to be that person he always could count on. And now, I had destroyed him. Since that night, I haven’t met him or talked to him. It was six months ago. And since that night, a huge part of my life is missing. Just because I wanted something easy.

- A

37 comments:

  1. awwh. )': this is so sad. but then again, you can't change the past. maybe these things happen for a very good reason.

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  2. This almost made me cry. So sad :(

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  3. I know that you can't have a relationship without chemistry, but trying to force the chemistry between you two probably hurt him a lot. If you want your best friend back, maybe you should try making it up to him. Prove to him that you are the person that he can always count on, and don't just say it because you want something easy. Friendships and relationships alike are never easy.

    I hope it works out.

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  4. OMG this is so painful and at the same time so beautiful!! I've met some boys like that lately, why don't things just work out?!! it seems life's everything but easy, you just have to learn which is the best way to make it through...

    :) so realistic post! **

    http://misspennylane-valeria.blogspot.com/

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  5. This was painful and raw, I've been somewhere there. Hope you manage to find the strength somewhere to contact him, things may never be the same again. But i'm pretty sure for that 6 months, a huge part of his life has been missing as well.

    (: you only live once and it's too short to let go of the people who matter so much.

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  6. Saving me from repeated mistakes.

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  7. ......this is jus wat happened with me but i was treated like the guy....it jus hurt toooo much!! it breaks you so bad!! n ur helpless cus you love him to a point where u dont want to lose him...im glad now after 2 breakups wid him there came a point for me where u realize that they dont deserve you!!

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  8. This was very painful to read, because I share your sentiments. Each sentence of yours sent a stab of remorse into my heart. We were great friends and dance partners. He fell in love with me but I just couldn't reciprocate. We ended up hurting each other and drifted apart and so little emotion remains in our dancing now. We don't talk about it but it still hurts.

    I believe that experiences like these teach us a lesson, for better or for worse. If he misses you as much as you miss him, he might be willing to start being friends with you again if you take the first step towards healing. Be strong, A, I really hope you find your friend back. hugs.

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  9. This IS my story.
    It could just as well been my words up there.

    But then again, it's painful to think that these are the feelings of so many boys and girls out there.

    'Cause the boy-girl-friend-thing never cease to disappear..

    Watch "When Harry Met Sally" and you'll understand..
    I did. About 10 times.

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  10. This is horrible. I feel so sorry for you.

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  11. How can you feel sorry for her?
    I just cant understand.
    You had that unbelievable and amazing person in your life and then you hurt him, ignore him, lie to him.
    And after that everyone should feel sorry for you? no way.
    Its your choice how you deal with people. I feel sorry for the boy.

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  12. Find him.

    Isn't it obvious with all that you've said?
    Wouldn't he be missing a part of himself too?

    I'm so very sorry.

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  13. I can undertand you so well because this is just was happened with me and my ''ex- best friend'', but the only difference was that i was in love too.

    We slept together one night, and the next day he asked me out, but i told him that would be better if we just be friends, because i didn't want to lose him if the stuff go bad. And that was the worst decision that i've taken in my whole life.
    At first, we were good, but a month later, he told me that he wouldn't see me more because it hurts to much. And that happened two years ago.
    I miss him, so much. But I respect his decision. C'est la vie..

    PS: sorry for my English.. Hope you understand!

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  14. This is so heart-breaking. Sad. But I think it can still be made right. It just requires a lot of effort, but both these peopel really miss each other.

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  17. This is similar to my story as it rolled in the past 3 months, but from the girl's perspective. It gives me an idea of what it might have been like for her.

    I am still in love with her like words can't express, and it hurts like nothing else.

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  18. Ahh that's the worst. It weird how we are able to commit the more hurtful acts with such ease. But we learn from our mistakes I suppose...I'm sorry all that happened.

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  19. A sad story indeed, but you should never force feelings upon yourself or anyone else. I think people underestimate what a heartache can cause another human-being. It is indeed a tough thing to deal with..

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  21. i've been reading this over and over again, and it's tearing me apart.

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  22. love this black and white photo :)
    wonderful blog


    --casey
    mcscloset.blogspot.com/

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  23. i love this pic
    visit http://crazybeautifulanonymous.blogspot.com/

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  24. i would be in the guys position now except we are still half way in your story and she doesnt now that i love her still not like a best friend

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  25. go find him and apologise! even though it doesn't change anything much, but it's the right thing to do.

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  26. this story really touched me...mostly because i'm going through a similar experience...
    i hope A can find the chance to talk to her friend again and finally get some closure...
    separating like that is just too painful to bear...

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  27. Similar situation here. And right is not easy - almost always ...

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  28. I swear I had a friend just like that! I haven't talked to him in almost a year now. I miss him extremely much! It sucks when you can't give him what he wants, cus in a way you feel like you two are meant to be. I hate not having him in my life.. but at the same time.. I don't wana hurt him. Somehow I feel it's to ego of me to want him around. It would make me so happy.. but him, so sad.

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  29. Im in that situation right now as. being a guy it hurts so bad and even though you try and shrug it off, every time you see her with a guy you get crushed. but the silly thing for me is that We have a close circle of friends so i cant just walk away so easily. It would be so much easier to though, rather than see her everyday.

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  30. Your blog has just left me in tears. Tears that have been hidden deep deep inside me, never did I expect them to reach surface. You broke through my soul with what you said. I fell in love with my best friend by total accident. I had always had an attraction to him never thought it would go anywhere. He writes truly amazing music. By sitting there and just quietly observing him doing what he does so magically well and the outcome when its all put together had me flabbergasted everytime. Just when you think wow this song is amazing...he puts out another one that's even better. He's a lyrical genius and nothing can compare. We laid next to eachoter night after night me not knowing if it was ok to touch him or hold him or how i was supposed to act? It was torture. Sometimes he would just hold me and touch me all over, run his fingers through my hair, kiss me on the face and head. I was falling head first. But I knew it was wrong. This is my best friend, what happens when we fight and I know we will. He won't talk to me and I need him no matter what. He makes me so happy. Even doing nothing. Laying together in silence watching movies, falling asleep, neverrrrrr wanting to awake. Life was perfect. I knew I fell in love and I had never intended to. I'm a planner and change scares me. My feelings scare me. The thought of someone being able to make me or break me terrifies me. We have all the same friends and right now I told him I can't be his friend anymore because its just too hard,my heart is cracking.So what do you do in this situation because I could really use some advice...

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  31. I feel sorry for you.
    I know how you feel. One of my closest friends is or was in love with me. And at the moment i'm wondering how it would be if we were in a relationship... wondering if i am in love with him. It would be easy, just like you said.. We would hold hands and kiss and he would say teh sweetest things. It would be very easy. I would be happy. He would be the happiest guy, i'm sure.

    But i know i'm not in love with him.. Not sure. But now i know what to do.. You're saving me from mistakes.
    Good luck with this friend of yours.. i hope you two will get back together.

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  32. You got what you deserved.

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  33. This is my relationship with my best friend, he was my prom date, told me he loved me, and I loved him too, as a best friend, but nothing more then that. He was the one friend who knew me through and through. But I could never feel for him how he felt for me.

    We no longer talk, and like you it does feel like a huge part of my life is missing.

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  34. This is such a heartbreaking story :( I hope that one day your paths cross again and you two will be friends again. It hurts when you lose a best friend like that.

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