Friday, November 6, 2009

and I wonder if he ever would.


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It was nearly two years ago when he entered my world. There was no magical chemistry shared, no fairy tale first meeting, it was not a love at first sight moment. It was simple and realistic. He was invited over by his best friend to join us for a meal before I had to fly back home the next day. He was cute and friendly in his boyish charm.

A few days later I accepted a friend request from him. By doing so, I had not expected an adventure to develop. A romance. The emails started out superficial. Surface level. But as time went on, and with each response the emails started to form depth, insight and understanding. Revealing and exposing ourselves. I started to know him. And him me. I started to fall for him. For his dreams, his thoughts, his passions. He became my ultimate crush. I kept this to myself, how silly it was to fall for someone over emails.

It would be a year until I would return. He was true to what I had thought him to be. I was nervous to be around him. He gave me butterflies. We walked down the pier, as I questioned him about his likes, his loves, his dislikes, his dreams. Everything. I wanted to soak him in. I wanted to know all about him. I had not spent enough time with him, let alone time by ourselves. The night before I left, he helped me packed. He gave me a look that I would never forget. Nobody ever looked at me that way. With such desire. Such admiration. Such regret. I wish I could have seen me through his eyes.

I returned home. The emails continued. The friendship deepened. My feelings intensified. It was more than a crush. He was a boy I was madly and deeply in like with.

I returned back two months later. We went on our first date. He took me sailing and then spent the night driving all around the canyons in hopes of satisfying my thirst of seeing a coyote. The night was slowly coming to an end, but neither of us was ready to end it. So rather than entering the hotel driveway, he detours at the very last second and heads down to the beach. We spend the night welcoming the early hours of the morning Talking. Laughing. Making plans to runaway to New York for an adventure.

So that is exactly what we do. We meet up in New York 2 months later. It was the epitome of a cliché chick flick. It was all about jazz clubs, museums, picnics at central park, bookstores, burlesque shows and running around in the rain. It was about ending the nights on the fire escape, drinking cheap wine, smoking, talking, laughing, tender touches, and watching the sky turn from black, to purple to blue and finally going to bed at 7am. Entangled limbs under the white sheets.

I had found a city I was in love with and a boy that had captivated my heart, mind and body. I had not thought it was possible for me to like someone this much. To feel this way. Like my heart will explode. Like I’m on the edge of going crazy if I don’t see him. To crave his touches. To be so desperate for his company. Joy and pure bliss was never suppose to come hand in hand with hurt and misery.

I had just returned from seeing him a few days ago. It wasn’t the same. It had become real for me. I realized he knew me. All aspects of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he was still sitting there next to me. He was a genuinely good, simple, tender hearted man with flaws and faults I was clearly aware off. And I was still by his side. I wanted him, with his shortcomings and imperfection. All of him. I had never felt my heart to be so fragile and delicate. There was nothing more in this world that I wanted than for him to ask me to stay. To come back. To runaway with him. To be more than a seasonal fling. To be more than just a summer romance. To be his. A real opportunity to give what we have a chance. But he didn’t. And I wonder if he ever would.

-A

44 comments:

  1. what a beautiful story.
    i hope it works out for you xx

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  2. its so truthful and beautiful, very nicely explained with so much emotion. i enjoyed it alot xo

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  3. This story gave me chills.
    A fling is all I can hope for at the moment, but I hope things work out.

    thank you for writing this xxo

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  4. aww. this gave me goosebumps. I really do hope this will work out for the two of you. <3

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  5. Wow. Love this--it's beautiful.

    I'm rooting for you guys.

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  6. Beautiful and yet painful. It's a danger when you fell for someone over emails or phone calls coz afterwards you have to deal with some kinda invisible pressure you put on each other.
    I hope you'll find happiness with or without him...

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  7. That was a beautiful story. **tear** hope everything works out for you.

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  8. damn, I feel you. How difficult it is to be in love with someone who lives so far, but is so close to your heart.
    "like my heart will explode." what a true statement!

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  9. Very, very beautiful :)
    + I love images of people lying bed, it puts a smile on my face

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  10. How beautiful.
    I hope it works out for you!

    www.loveandlifeinpictures.blogspot.com

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  11. aw that's so cute! I hope it works out for you. I'm kind of high on emotional bliss right now haha. I just got my first boyfriend. Yes, that's a little sad for a girl my age but hey, I wanted to wait for the perfect guy and I found him. I hope it works out for you both :) 'Cause I love the feeling of being loved. :)

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  12. lovley, but don't you ask him? tell him that you wanna stay with him!

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  13. lovely story!! I went trough kind of a similar "summer fling" last year and I have to tell you- the feeling does not go away.. I am still thinking of him every single day and talking to him once or twice a month just makes it more difficult to forget him and move on. and after reading yourpost I realised that I don't want to forget him! damn, it's so difficult to find someone who makes you feel 'that'way;we shouldn't give up on it just because it's not as easy as we've wished it'd be!
    From the bottom of my heart I wish you 2 can find a way to be together!!

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  14. Lovely.. I hope things work out too!

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  15. maybe he's waiting for you to ask him...

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  16. i can completely relate to this. i am going through the same thing right now. all we can do is hope that each day brings a little bit more light than the previous one. it sucks.

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  17. "Joy and pure bliss was never supposed to come hand in hand with hurt and misery"

    Hmmm I'm not so sure. By loving so much one can't help but expect pain? As my best friend says theres a lot of hate in love. I'm not sure what I'm trying to articulate here. I just wish it wasn't the way.

    But what I do know: your story was beautifully written, and I hope hope hope he realizes, or you end up asking him. Whats one to lose?

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  18. I fell in love with this story. I hope it works out for you!

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  19. it was such a beautiful story! hope things work out well for you! (:

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  20. Beautiful story. Beautiful storytelling. Beautiful emotions.

    I wish you the absolute best.

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  21. these kind of stories makes me want to find a lovely boy... but perhaps without the heartbreak. a girl can dream. xx

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  22. I just love Le Love. Best blog in the world.

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  23. this is really beautifully written. it was written like a time travel story, and i felt like i was a bystander- with each event as vivid as the next...
    i hope things work out well for you. gl.

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  24. Wow I honestly thought for a minute I had written this and not remembered. You so perfectly put into word so maybe things I've felt.

    You should ask him! I did, and he said yes

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  25. Perhaps it's that terrible feeling of waiting that makes i so very worth it in the end. I hope it works out for you! Beautiful story! :)

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  26. this is extremely beautiful. MY heart feels like exploding, reading this :) i hope he does and all the best <3

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  27. Omg.. such beauty in that!
    I know how it is to be that way, well.. i guess i am

    I have feelings about this girl that.. omg i can't explain them
    I guess i'm just affraid, i just can't jump into her just for thinking it would be a early move and for being affraid to lose her

    i want her so bad!!

    I loved ur story, it's all about true romance

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  28. My boyfriend lives on the other side of the country from me too. And we wait, nervously, excited, impatiently, to see each other again.
    You are in love, just enjoy and relish in it with him. And it will naturally become more and more.
    Talk about wanting to fall asleep to him, and to wake up in his arms in the morning. Just be as genuine as you can.

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  29. This is written so beautifully, you have such a way with words. And an even more beautiful story. I really hope it ends as you wish. If it doesn't, just remember how extremely lucky you are to have experienced something so truly magical and beautiful. Some go through life never getting a chance to experience true romance. You are one of the lucky few.

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  30. the guy on the picture, really looks like an swedish artist i know... :) i wonder if it's him? (kristian anttila)

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  31. Heart wrenching. Beautiful. Lovely. Amazing. I'm a bit speechless.

    Just test the waters sweetie. Or you'll die not knowing. And that'll kill you alone.

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  32. so beautiful! i hope everything will work out :)

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  33. beautifully written. rich in emotion and truth. it won't work out. fairy tale romances never do. but gl.

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  34. wow.
    that touched me here
    *points to heart.*
    definitely one of the most tragic stories i have ever heard!
    goodluck.

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  35. lovely written!!!!!! i wish u all the best, and i really mean it it touch me :)

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  36. love the blog by the way...its my first time!!! i might write my story...but english is not my 1st language...so i wont be as good as this one..xoxo peace & love & happiness!

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  37. we're keeping our fingers crossed for you!!! agh....


    xoxo
    g&r

    www.gingerroxy.blogspot.com

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  38. Wow, I thought I was the only one who didn't have that "fairytale, love-at-first-sight" at the beginning of my relationship. It's great to know I'm not alone out there...

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  39. I just started blogging, and am happy to have found your blog. :)

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  40. This was so beautiful to read. My best wishes to you, dear.

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  41. Really effective info, thanks so much for the post.

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