Tuesday, September 1, 2009

nice guys finish last


image: iacmusic

this is fucking it, you are in love with me

Tonight I am thinking about love. More specifically, love lost. Not even lost, really. Love not realized. Or at least not realized until it was too late.

I have a male friend, Kyle. Kyle emotionally exploded on me tonight. Told me that he’s sick of finishing last, he’s too nice a guy for that. And he was so infuriated that after all these years I hadn’t given him a chance.

This is what happens when you give the guy who doesn’t drink that often a few Buds and a shot of Fernet.

He spoke to me about how he was always there for me, always providing a shoulder to cry on or a bar tab to pick up. Anything I needed, because he was being a caring and good friend. Kyle talked about how he respected everything about me, especially my imperfections. He said my imperfections were what made me perfect for him.

“I even know you’re an alcoholic,” he said. “And I don’t care, you’re still perfect.”

You want to know why nice guys finish last? It’s because they aren’t willing to take a chance, they’re too tied to their rules. They see their girl at her most vulnerable moment, and instead of doing what they perceive as a dick move, they put their arms around her and they hold her. They listen to her weep and they don’t take control of the situation. She’s too precious to cut off. Let her weep.

Let me tell you this: nothing makes a broken woman feel more beautiful than to have a man swoop in and push her up against a wall to tell her how much better she is than that. To kiss her, I mean really kiss her, regardless of what she might think about that. You know why nice guys finish last? It’s because when a guy named Bayne leaves you for no good reason and you feel like you’ve been reduced to nothing, my nice guy won’t come over and say the things I really need to hear to understand that he loves me, I mean really loves me. Us ladies, we know we’re beautiful, we know we’re intelligent, we know we’re worth it and we’ll find “him” someday. What we really need to hear and more importantly feel (at that moment — from you, the nice guy)) is that we’re sexy, that our inner organs that separate us from you guys are actually worth something. That we’re so beautiful that you can’t and don’t care whether or not that kiss you’ve so desperately wanted to plant on us is going to ruin our friendship. We want you, the nice guy, to rebel against your rules and just do what feels right. Take control of the situation and tell us that this is fucking it, you are in love with me. You are so in love with me that you are so unbelievably ready to ruin our friendship for a chance at love. That you are willing to pick up that bat and attempt to hit the ball out of the fucking stadium. Because either you strike out or you hit a home run. No one wants to sit in the dugout. But you don’t. You sit in the dugout and you tell us that we’re pretty, and not fat. That we’re worth it. And that Bayne is just stupid and doesn’t know what he’s missing. You’re too nice. You’re too good of a friend. Be a man. Make the call. Try your best to force us to love you. Because in the end, you’re right. Nice guys do finish last. So how about you buck up and become something else. Because otherwise you’re going to lose us, you’re going to lose me.

Nice guys finish last because they’re pussies.

thanks sally for sending this from: tales from the tenderloin

73 comments:

  1. This post is pathetic.I hate jerks and i mean i HATE them.They make my skin crawl.There's not one nice decent man in my entire family and i feel like i'll never find one.

    ugh, i need to get out of this small town.

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  2. honestly i go for the nice shy guys more.

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  3. I feel as if I'm in the same situation. I am surrounded by so many nice guys and all that needs to happen is for that one nice guy to make a move. All I want is to be with a nice, sweet guy. I'm not impressed by those loud, annoying, attention-getting guys...But as always, easier said than done.

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  4. I kinda liked it. I'd really hope that my friend "the nice guy" did that for his love. You know, kiss the girl dammit!

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  5. Not sure I agree with this post at all, though I can appreciate the sentiment and the frustration. The thing is, in the end, I want that nice guy instead of the guy that took advantage of my drunken disposition one random Friday night. The guy that tells you you're beautiful instead of sexy sees something else, something deeper; he knows you're worth more than what's between your legs. To each her own preferred man, but - to me, nice guys are the shit.

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  6. yeah, not that i have any right to comment on what this author looks for in a man, but my man is the nicest out there and i hope he never changes. a nice guy doesn't have to be a pussy, a nice guy respects his woman and women in general, which is an A+ in my book.

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  7. lol...well I liked the post

    never had it put into those words before...but I liked it. and im glad somebody said it.

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  8. I thought this was beautifully written! I normally go for the agressive "nice guys." I would love to have a guy push me against a wall in pent-up passion and say "This is fucking it, I am in love with you."

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  9. Fuck Yes!!!
    I think you stoll the very words out of my mouth! I'm tiered of having to make guys man up, thank you for posting this =)

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  10. this post. is awesome. thank you

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  11. gotta have both. gotta have the guy who will push you up against the wall, pin your arms back and kiss you and take control, but you gotta have the guy who will hold you for hours and let you cry. this is not a black and white issue, in my opinion

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  12. I love it. She's not encouraging nice guys to be jerks, she's saying that sometimes they need grow a backbone and dive in. And I totally agree.

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  13. great post, but i still think a hug when girls cry is sweet of nice guys :)

    love-decoded.blogspot.com

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  14. I love this! Even if you like the "nice guy", there's still so much truth in this...that one can't deny...

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  15. i agree, because in the end, what have you got to lose.

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  16. I agree, right up until the "nice guys are pussies" part. But seriously, to all the nice guys out there - don't stop being nice, you're awesome that way. Just don't be so laidback that the girl doesn't even realise you're into her.

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  17. Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
    Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
    Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

    I love that quote.
    Its whether you want her in your life as your friend vs. having her as more or not having her as anything.

    For me? Well, she is too beautiful a person for me to put her through my feelings. Which would never be reciprocated. But i'm always here for her in case things do :S

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  18. Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
    Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
    Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

    I love that quote.
    Its whether you want her in your life as your friend vs. having her as more or not having her as anything.

    For me? Well, she is too beautiful a person for me to put her through my feelings. Which would never be reciprocated. But i'm always here for her in case things do :S

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  19. whether you like or you dont, but its true

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  20. "Tonight I am thinking about love. More specifically, love lost. Not even lost, really. Love not realized. Or at least not realized until it was too late."
    When I read this, my first thought was: "No, not another story justifying nice guys and making us girls feel bad!!", especially since I had a situation like that recently. But after reading the text, I am amazed!! I'm going to keep this in my diary, it's such a great post! Thank you, I needed this!

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  21. This is stupid. This girl is at a jerk's whim no matter how she throws it. Sadly she wants to be.

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  22. Eyeroll

    Geez, this isn't misogynistic at all.

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  23. i think i'm going to show this to my boyfriend. bahahaha.

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  24. I am a bit disgusted with this post. Really disappointed as I usually ADORE this blog. Nice guys are NOT pussies.

    My boyfriend happens to be a "nice guy" and perhaps many women wouldn't have given him a chance because he is respectful and not some goofball alpha male. Guess what ladies? You too can make a move. Tell the "nice guy" you are interested and perhaps you will have the best relationship of your life.

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  25. I loved it. Totally rang true to me.

    It isn't about the assholes. It is about that good guy friend that you know digs you and you him but neither of you want to make the move because neither of you want to admit that you are willing to ruin the friendship over finding out. It is about civility and a man taking a woman like she wants to be taken. He is still the nice guy, he just acts on what they both desire. I think it's hot and romantic.

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  26. This is amazing.

    It's not about being an ass to a girl, it's about courage. Give a nice guy a bucket of courage and you got yourself an extraordinary man.

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  27. This post is bullshit on top of bullshit...

    I am the nice guy...but at the same time I'm more than willing to tell a girl that i'm into, just that...

    ...and guess what...it doesn't work. All my female friends rave about how I'm gonna make some girl incredibly happy and that girls are crazy for passing me up or flaking out on that date. However, when they become single for some reason and I tell him how I feel about them...ask them out etc...somehow then...I'm NOT that amazing guy who's going to make them happier than ever...they're no longer interested. They're only interested so long as they can't have me for whatever reason...when I AM dating someone for any period of time...that's when girls come out of no where who want me...incredible.

    ...the fact is women like THIS are pussies...THEY won't take the chance on breaking a friendship with that amazing friend...because we're so good to them that they'd hate to ruin it by accepting a date or a kiss.

    Posts like this boil my blood. I wish some of the girls who posted here agreeing with me lived near me...I'd love to meet a girl who ACTUALLY wants a nice guy to sweep them off their feet and fall madly in love...and not just talks about it...when it comes down to it...girls like THIS are the pussies.

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  28. I agree with the post. Sometimes too much niceness is just too much.

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  29. i completely agree with this girl. i mean, obviously, the nice guy won't ALWAYS be successful in his attempts at just going for it, but . . . why would you just NEVER find out for sure? you will always wonder if it would have made a difference. besides, it would be difficult to stay friends with a girl or guy you are in love with who loves someone else anyway, right? take the chance!!

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  30. I disagree on most of this.

    Why didn't SHE make the movie if that's what she wanted?

    Anyway. It was still interesting.

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  31. i love this and concur completely.

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  32. i liked it all, until i read the part "nice guys are pussies". the use of that language is entirely gender conforming, the idea that men cannot be both masculine and have a bit of feminine as well.instead of being "pussies" i think they are perhaps just scared. but i do agree - they need a kick into action, into courage.

    as the quote goes , "20 years from now you will regret more what you didnt do than what you did"

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  33. "...they aren’t willing to take a chance..."

    Well said honey!!

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  34. "They listen to her weep and they don’t take control of the situation."

    "Try your best to force us to love you."

    You've gotta be kidding me.

    I get the whole 'nice guys need to show their interest rather than taking a backseat' thing, but the language in this post is uncomfortably misogynistic. Girls just want a guy to force himself on them when they're vulnerable? We're all just waiting for a guy to 'make' us love him?? Yeah, no thanks. This isn't the 1800s.

    Also, instead of whining about how nice guys are "pussies" (more wonderful misogyny while we're at it), how about the girl taking a chance for once? Or is there some rule that us girls can only find "him" when he's shoving us against a wall?

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  35. WOW!! first I love all your blog and you make me love it more??
    cobra S fan??
    love it!!

    sarah, France

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  36. "What we really need to hear and more importantly feel (at that moment — from you, the nice guy)) is that we’re sexy, that our inner organs that separate us from you guys are actually worth something."

    Are you f*ckin serious? Defining one's self through reproductive organs is just plain dumb and kind of sad actually. I like lelove a lot, but this post is just disappointing - and actually kind of dangerous in a way as it plays with this "When a girl says no she means yes"-stereotype. Not every girl wants to be pushed against a wall.

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  37. I disagree with everyone that hates this post! It's true that nice guys finish last... this girl couldn't have said it better!

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  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  39. i had this experience once, where this guy i love is a total asshole and when i was crying my head off right in front of him because he was breaking us up, he just shook me and had the guts to ask what did he say to hurt me. wtf. then that dickhead didnt do anything, just let me weep and didnt bother to soothe me. kept on saying 'hey say something' over and over again while shaking me. why the hell do they do that to us? are they too much of heartless bastards that they let us weep and dont bother to say that we'll be okay or something along the lines? when i asked him to stay for a while, he stayed for five to ten minutes and then LEFT. i just dont understand what happened until now.

    i end up with jerks all the time. i'm a jerk magnet. i never find the nice guys. they're always too cowardly to say that they're in love with me.

    but i fucking still love that jerk.

    p/s; he came back a week later. then left to his own country without saying goodbye or seeing me. the last time i spent with him was him in a pissed off mood and barely talking to me, just asking for a cigarette from me.

    love is shit. beautiful shit.

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  40. this blog. is amazing... the author did a really nice job putting that into words..
    i do like nice guys that respect and all but at the same time take that chance and leap tell her how you feel. or else you are really goin to lose us.

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  41. Bayne is a stupid name. but i just got fucked over, and i think if i want anything at this point, it's the nice guy.

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  42. As a nice guy, I think this is TOTALLY true, in terms of the sentiment.I've let sooo many opportunities pass me by and there is only one thought in my head when I do: "Pussy!"
    Go ask any bonafied nice guy you know, if they've ever felt like a pussy and I guarantee that the answer will be a universal " hell yes." With that said, it's kinda weird that a woman wants a man who will throw away a friendship and throw her against a wall a try to have his way with her when she's at her weakest moment. That's kinda pussy-ish and even predatory in it's own right. IMO.
    But then again, I'm a pussy so take it with a grain of salt.

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  43. Loved it.. Made me laugh but it´s sooo true! I have a friend who has been in love with the same girl for YEARS and he does exactly the same thing! He´s always there for her but he never makes a move..
    I think making something of it is so important!.. You never know whats going to happen, and even if she doesnt correspond you, at least you tried!
    Besides, if she apreciates your friendship the chances are she´ll still be your friend =)

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  44. I don't agree with this even though there are things who are very true. However, the most woman who loved this made a big mistake theirselves, which can't be turned back since it's already too late. And when it comes to that, who is it to blame on? Of course, the nice guy because the pussy didn't made a move. It doesn't work like that because when it comes to love, it should be coming from both directions.

    Apparently you don't want to get compliments about that you're not fat and that you're right. Maybe I should calling you fat and leave you be when you're drowning in your own tears.

    If I'm a pussy because I think this way then so be it. I'd rather be that pussy instead of being an asshole. Sorry

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  45. your fucking dumb. its girls like you who always get fucked up in the end. haa good..dam slews.

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  46. When I saw the picture and caption of this post I said to myself I have to READ THIS NOW...like RIGHT NOW...possibly even twice. I said this not only because I know a ton of nice guys but because I am a nice girl.... so I figured this post could be helpful to both camps.

    Although I found this post to be very honest and quite logical, there were certain things where I did not necessarily see eye to eye with the author.

    I agree that ilent thoughts no matter how beautiful remain SILENT and dormant until we who have them are brave enough to voice them out to those we love. This however is much easier said then done because some of us love that friendship a whole lot more than we are willing to risk it all for a chance at a simple kiss that could go horribly wrong.
    If you are still around the same people who you have loved passionately for years and they have never had the chance to perhaps ever address the depths your intimate friendship themselves...well then perhaps they're not too into that possibility of you too together either. Or perhaps they feel the very same way, even if they are dating all the jerks out there...maybe its a subconcious tendency so that in the end you'll come in and make it all better. Whatever it is we have to figure 'what it is' one day at a time and with our voice and genuine actions.
    I don't know if being pushed up against a wall Angelina Jolie style, would really be something I would want to go through in my own skin. On screen it looks great, in paper it sounds great...but in person...particularly when you are in your most vulnerable state (crying, screaming, whimpering)... ... I would much prefer to receive a sincere bear hug and gentle kiss on the forehead from my nice guy.

    but then again that's just me....
    i love this website!

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  47. un-fuckin' real. so real and so good. if only life were like THAT.

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  48. I feel that this post is kind of unfair to those nice guys out there.. I still prefer the shy and respectful type of guys :)

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  49. this was an interesting read, but i personally disagree. i will always go for a nice guy over an asshole...

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  50. As a nice guy myself, I've read a lot of stuff relating to why nice guys finish last, and this one actually makes sense, maybe because of the good sports analogy.

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  51. I totally agree. I worked at a dating coach company and while I disagreed with a lot of what they taught, this makes sense. Nice guys don't finish last. It's the pussies and doormats who do. You can be nice but still kiss us and make us feel sexual. You slip into the friend zone by not looking at us sexually. And you confuse that with being nice. You don't need to be a jerk or a douchebag to get the girl. You just have to touch her.

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  52. that's not love - when someone swoops in at your most vulnerable moment and kisses you, or more. that's not love, and if they love you, then they should respect you. and "swooping in" when you are vulnerable is taking advantage of you.

    why do you feel the need to be "pushed against the wall and kissed hard" by someone to feel beautiful? That doesn't make you feel beautiful, it makes you feel WANTED. and that's not the same as beautiful.

    nice guys dont always give up chances, but they certainly do not take that "chance" when you are at your most vulnerable. for that, they are not "pussies", they are gentlemen - the kind that is so lacking in today's world.

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  53. that post is dead on

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  54. that is bullshit, what is the difference between making a move at her most emotionaly vulnerable moment and getting her ass drunk? besides, truth is, most girls want the bulky-shity-dumb-big-asshole for a boyfriend, God knows why... I guess it's some alpha male shit... anyways, the nice guy just happens to have a different aproach at a girl's heart A DECENT REASONABLE APROACH! not just "oh I really like your tits, wanna have sex? oh rigt, I love you".

    The problem is that sometimes you have to pretend being the asshole even when you hate it. Otherwise you end up in the "friendzone" and when you get to the point where you come to her and tel her you love her, truly love her, you are too good of a friend to be her boyfriend but at same time, things won't be the same now she knows you love her and want her so yo lose her forever and I think that's just really fukked up

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  55. As bold and direct this post is - I LOVE it haha. I do tend to like the shy guys because there's something mysterious about them but I'd also like them to make a move. I mean being nice is confusing - I have a few close guy friends and they're quite nice to me, so am I supposed to think they're all interested? A guy who is actually interested should show something a little bit more than kindness - I want to know they're genuinely interested, none of this beating around the bush crap LOL

    As for losing a girl forever - I disagree. If it's meant to be then it'll happen sooner or much later. If not then it's not much of a loss is it?

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  56. I can see how some might call this misogynist... but if that's the only language you know, that's the only way you can express it.

    This post itself is not misogynistic. It is not telling men to be a jerk, it's telling them to take a chance when they see one, and that particular situation was his chance. She was upset about Bayne leaving her, maybe she thought she wasn't beautiful or sexy enough for him--so being pushed up against a wall and being told differently and being kissed to prove she is beautiful makes sense IN THIS SITUATION--because that's what she needed. Not every girl needs that, and not every situation where she is broken and upset calls for the guy to act like that, but this one did. That's all.

    Common sense, people.

    Love the post.

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  57. http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jezebel/2009/07/XKCD_nice_guys.png

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  58. where did you get that photograph? i took that photograph about 4 years ago, and don't remember ever putting it in a public place on the internet.

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  59. I le love this picture. I have those exact sheets. :o)

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  60. Interesting point of view, it's the only strategy to "stop worrying and start loving" I haven't tried. But I have a correction: the rules the nice guys are tied to aren't oneself's, but the society rules that remark we must "respect women", rules that I recently have seen replicated in the seduction community ("if you get rejected just move on and go for another girl", it's recommended there).

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  61. The other reason why we as "nice guys" never make the kind of move you suggest is because the society teach us to only make that kind of moves when it's consensually. But what you suggest necessarily requires to make our moves in a non-consensual way.

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  62. This is the most straight forward, honest things I have read in a long time. If more nice guys made a fucking move maybe more girls would fall head over heels for the good boyfriend instead of the type-A class jerk who knows how to get in her pants. Right on to whoever wrote this. You inspire me.

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  63. I've got a more moderate stance on the nice guy issue that I discuss here. Nice guys can have luck, they just need to develop confidence, and just be themselves a little more. Being the "jerk" can be a high risk manuveur... don't slam a girl against the wall, as you suggest, and start kissing her that'll get you accused of somthing bro.


    A Unique Take on the “Nice Guy” Dilemma

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  64. I hate nice guys. I really really really HATE 'nice' guys. Those nice guys, aren't nice at all.

    Because you 'Owe' them a relationship. The invest all of the time and effort into you and dammit they want something back. Even if you never asked, even if you didn't even want it in the first place.

    I've had a couple of 'nice' guys after me. They never really saw me as a person, they were so in love with this idea they had of me and the fact that I owned them something.
    I felt like a vending machine.

    'Nice' guys are just as much as arses as Douches and Jerks.

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  65. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  66. Little doubt, the dude is totally just.

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