Thursday, September 24, 2009
he has no idea
I met a boy and fell for him fast. We moved fast. Everything was such a rush, everything was perfect, we were so obsessed with each other. He would tell me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He would say “you're amazing” every hour. Except when he said it, it wasn’t just a line, it was the truth. The truth in his eyes. But I had to leave, and I knew I couldn’t do long distance. I have too ,any whims, I’m not good at being alone, I would have strayed. So I just cut off all contact, said cruel and hurtful things, pushed him away on purpose, alienated him so that he would leave me alone. Because it hurt too much to be friends, I thought it would be better to have no contact.
I was wrong. It was the stupidest decision of my life, because I find that not knowing someone well, can make you never get over them. The truth is, I don’t know him that well. What we had was short, it was over before I had a chance to see whether we were really good together, whether he was right for me. So all this time, even while I’ve had relationships with so many other guys, I always compare the new boys to one boy who I barely even knew, and they all fall short. Because his memory is so perfect, it’s so indestructible because it’s unfinished. I didn’t have time to discover his flaws, the little quirks that annoy, the arguments that break a couple a part. I didn’t give him a chance to show me that side of himself. All I have are the memories of that new, excited feeling. Of butterflies every time his fingers brushed my arm, of electric sparks every time we kissed, because it was so new, and unexpected and amazing. I have idealized this boy to the point where he is perfect in my eyes, and because of that, I can’t be satisfied with anyone else. But I can’t go back to him either, I cut off all ties, made it clear I never wanted to talk to him. He doesn’t know I think about him every day. He probably thinks he was completely insignificant, because I lied, and told him that he was. I swore I couldn’t care less. He has no idea. And I have no idea what it would be like to really be with him, have a real relationship with him, and I have to live with the fact that it is completely my fault. For being so proud, and so presumptuous to think I would get over him in two minutes. I never thought I’d hold on this long, to a ghost of a person. To an illusion of a person, that isn’t very likely a true reflection of him anyway.
And my advice to anyone reading this is, don’t let opportunities pass you by. Don’t dismiss people without thinking about how you may feel later. Don’t end something great, just because you think it would be too inconvenient to your life to let it continue. The truth is, everyone needs closure. Even if you do try something, and it’s difficult, and it ends, at least you know you tried. At least you know it was really the right decision to end it. You tried, and you failed. That’s okay, that’s something you’ll get over. But wondering, always wondering how it would have went if you had just let it happen, that’s torture. It’s the “what ifs” that keep me up at night. And the fact that he was strong enough to want me, to want to put up a fight for me, and I wasn’t strong enough to fight for him. And for the way I feel now, I have only myself to blame.