Wednesday, August 26, 2009

you can work through a crisis


Juan Felipe Rubio

an anonymous email sent to me... i know that this is a controversial topic and am curious to hear what you all think about second chances:

dear lelove,

i want to tell you my story about love. it began in may the previous year, when i had a fling with a friend's older brother. at the time, i was so scared of commitment, that i ended it after a short while. i did not have a good explanation for doing this, and it was very sudden. we did not talk for all summer. when summer was gone, i heard he had gotten a new girlfriend. i was happy for him, as i just wanted to be friends with him, and a while later i contacted him so we could become friends again. the next half year we got closer and closer as friends, and i started to consider him my best friend, with whom i could share anything. but when winter was arriving i realized that my earlier feelings for him were coming back. of course, i did not tell him, as he was not available, but i am sure that we both felt a tension between us, a tension which we could not further explore due to his relationship.

suddenly, one day, when we were hanging out, he blurted out that he and his girlfriend had broken up that day. i was in one way shocked, as i had the assumption that their relationship was perfect, but also relieved, as we now did not have to suppress our emotions anymore. a few days later, on my birthday, i went to his house to be with him. at the moment he opened the door, we started kissing, and one thing led to another. after a while, our relationship grew and became known to our friends and family. everything was going great, until one day, i got my acceptance letter from the school i wanted to get into. The problem: it was in another country.

our relationship continued, but one day, a few months after i got the letter, he revealed to me that he had been unfaithful with two girls i knew. it was only once, and they did not go all the way, but i still felt it as a backstabbing and was very hurt. yet still, i did not break up with him, as i was still very much in love with him.

i am currently packing for traveling to the school which i was accepted to, and also working my way through the "crisis" in our relationship. i had always thought that if my boyfriend cheated on me, i would break up at once. but i gave him another chance, and i am learning to trust him again. and that is why i wrote to le love. to show people that even though your world seems to have collapsed. and you can work through a crisis. and most of all: i do believe that everybody deserves a second chance.

- anonymous

73 comments:

  1. I don't believe in second chances.

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  2. for me this just confirms once a cheater always a cheater.. you two may not have physically done anything together while he has a girlfriend but emotionally he was with you..so it doesnt surprise me what he did with other girls.

    we are all human though, it is human to err. if you are willing to forgive him.. good for you.

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  3. Although I applaud your belief that all individuals deserve second chances, it seems to me that you seem to be looking at this through rose colored glasses. This is not a crisis, this is YOUR boyfriend who is unable to appreciate you for you and has to go mess around with other girls. Although you may love him, he does not seem to feel the same way and if he says he does, his love is clearly not the mature love that you are so capable of giving.

    I can understand when you say that you believe in second chances, but he did it twice, had he actually felt sorry he would have confessed the first time, then the two of you could have worked that out.

    Given that you are leaving the country it is also evident to me and to anyone that can rationally look at this situation that the chances of him doing this again are highly likely. The stress of worrying about whether or not he is cheating on you will not only always be in the back of your mind but will stand in the way of you truly enjoying yourself, creating yourself, and discovering aspects of yourself in this new environment.

    I commend you for doing this but at the same time you have to realize that you deserve better. Someone who can post pictures of beautiful couples and endearing quotes has to realize that she too deserves to share the world with someone who can appreciate her.

    I spent some time writing to you because I know that you deserve better but at the same time, I realize that while we are all young, we have this want and desire to experience things first hand and this is one very clear example.

    I am by no means attempting to dissuade you but I do know how a good majority of these stories end. I wish you all the best and hope that it all works out the way that YOU want it to.

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  4. anonymous-

    just want to make it clear that this is an email i received. i am not the writer of this post.

    thanks!

    xo

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  5. I think he shouldn't be granted a second chance so easily. Whoever wrote this email should have made him earn it. She shouldn't be the one to learn to trust him- he should be the one making her.

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  6. Plain and simple--he's just not that into you. Or in other words, you like him way more than he likes you. At least in the physical sense. Which is fucking retarded and not "lelove" worthy at all.

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  7. I don't believe in second chances either. But, if people are given a second chance, they shouldn't abuse the fact that the person gave them one. I wish those two goodluck!

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  8. Something I've realized is that when you take someone back...sometimes you hope that they would change and you would be the person to be able to do that...but sometimes....people just can't change and you should never expect to be the one that change them.

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  9. I believe in second chances. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you if he does something wrong. Why shouldn't someone be given a second chance? If it goes wrong again fair enough... I mean you have to be careful and prepared that it may not all work out but at the same time it still can. All of you commenters should stop being so bitter, sometimes it's just a mistake, or sometimes it happens before they realise they love someone - in the end everyone has a different relationship and it's not easy to give advice because not the same thing works for everyone.

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  10. I guess it comes down to love is what love is.
    It's her choice, and i admire her strength. I would crumble down if that would ever happen to me.

    www.loveandlifeinpictures.blogspot.com

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  11. i find it funny how with so many hopeless romantics out there.. so little believe in second chances..

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  12. don´t believe in second chances, it always end up bad and you could never seperate as friends because of what he did.. he broke a promise.

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  13. The problem with second chances is that you'll never know where to draw the line after. Everything will fall into this grey area where it'll be hard to discern what's forgivable and not.

    Since you love him enough to give him a second chance, I think he'd jolly well treasure it.

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  14. I was given a second chance. And I, more than anything, appreciate it.

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  15. I am going through a crisis too. My boyfriend is moving away to china for a year, he will be 10 hours away. I am so scared and we have no idea what is going to happen. Taking it each day one at a time.
    x

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  16. I believe in second chances, but third chances are not to be given. Its not fair to to one being cheated on.

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  17. i think it is so wrong to judge something you are not a part of. nobody but the parts involved will ever understand. of course you should not cheat in the first place, but if we can give people second chances in other parts of life, why not love? people can change. of course you should not always be naive, but if you really love someone, it's hard to give it all up, and i think most people would be willing to give a second chance if this was to happen to them. you do not know what you would do before you are in that situation.

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  18. I think it's wrong you gave him a second chance in that case. And still I can really understand why you did.
    Second chances are sometimes okay, I suppose - but having to give a second chance in the first place in my eyes is just a sign for the fact that something in the relationship is going badly wrong. and it shows how unconditional love can be. I'm just undecided if unconditional love is necessarily always a good thing..

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  19. I wholeheartedly believe in second chances. I think people have such an unrealistic excpectations of what love is and that it is gonna be perfect all the time. Not saying that I think cheating is excusable in anyway. If somebody is genuinely devastated about what they have done however and learnt from their mistake then it is down to the other individual if they believe in their relationship and the other persons values enough to work at it. Don't think it is ever as clear cut as 'once a cheater always a cheater'. You can't place that over somebodies life, like they are never to be trusted again. Surely it's about individual choices and values and building up trust again, which I understand is sometimes too hard to do, and in that case I suppose ending it is the only thing you can do. I would always want to work at my relationship even if it meant it was heartbreaking for me at times, just to tell myself that I whole heartedly tried to make a go of it.

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  20. I let it go the first time he cheated, told no one, believed it to be a "stupid drunken mistake" and worked through the grief/mistrust on my own.

    then he did it again - and so i ended it.
    despite the fact i then plunged into the worst year of my life, depression and all, i managed to crawl out and realise that i am to be loved better than that, and can love again.

    if you are scared to be alone, and that he is the love of your life and you cant live without him - am testament to the fact this is not true. you will be better off, and you will feel while again.

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  21. Everyone needs a second chance and everyone is able to make mistakes...I know, it's a hard thing to do: forgiving being cheated on. And I can't think of a person who didn't say once in their lives, they would leave their partner if he cheated on them. But it's an awfully other situation, when it actually happens and you feel the pain and the love in the same freaking moment. I can't blame the authour, I granted a second chance, too, although it was a different story. I believe in people being able to change.

    But we all have to remember, that we can grant a second, maybe even a third chance, but we cannot and musn't forget ourselves and have to think about what we and our hearts can bear.

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  22. i think this is a really tricky subject.
    The thing that would kill me is that there was probably one point that this boyfriend thought about you before cheating. This is the point were he could make a choice. Cheat or not cheat? its the conscious decision and disregard that would hurt me the most. He chose to cross the line instead of retreating from it.
    I think that second chances need to be earned and not freely given.

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  23. She's not giving him a second chance, she's giving him a third chance. The first time he cheated on her, he used up that second chance. If he truly cared about her and if it was truly a mistake, he would have been so horrified and ashamed that he would have never done it again. That was his second chance. But he did do it again, proving that he had little to no remorse for what he did. SO now, by staying with him, she's giving him a third chance.

    Feel me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

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  24. i also believe in second changes, but, honestly, but not for ALL storys or people. i believe we can FEEL if it's worth it or not, we can find it in our deepest and true self.

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  25. I'm not sure giving the second chance is the hard part.

    Sure, he can be deeply sorry for what he did, and the two can go on to have a committed relationship.
    I think the hard part lies in how she will always feel afterward. She'll always have that little bit of resentment - there are jealousy issues and trust issues.. how does one get over that?

    Personally, I think giving the second chance is the easiest part, what comes next is tricky.

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  26. i believe in second chances. i just dont believe i could ever lend my heart to the person who broke it xxx

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  27. i think everyone deserves a second chance. i think it's easy to say no when you are not the one who made a mistake. it's impossible to say what you would or would not do until you are actually in that situation.

    i think the person who asks for a second chance needs to truly want it, and the person who gives it has to be willing to forgive and both have to work on it together, otherwise i think there is no point.

    that said, maybe not a third chance. And i think it's true that people don't change, and you can't make them. not unless they themselves want to change.

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  28. If he cheated on you while you are in the same town, it is likely he will stray again easily-- especially when you are away at school.

    At least he told her. That is mildly redeeming. However, guys will tell you things you don't want to hear like “I cheated on you" or "I don't feel like I can commit to one person right now" but then say how much they love you and don't want to be without you. It's an immature, selfish, apathetic cop out. "I can't be what you need me to be, but I love you????" WTF!

    This places the burden of choice on the woman. To decide if it is better to continue a relationship with someone who has been untrustworthy, or to leave someone who "loves" them. It is a hard choice, and I have made both of them in my life. In my experience, the better choice was to preserve my self respect and move on because in the end, it is best to love yourself.

    Remember that you are worthy of a man who is so in love with you that the thought of cheating wouldn't even enter his mind because YOU are the most amazing woman he has ever met. Love is exploration, trust, comfort, security and many other things. Love helps you be good to yourself and a better person in the world.

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  29. Love is also about forgivness and respect.

    Every situation is different and deserves a full chance at success. It is up to you to decide what is best for your heart and where to draw the line to protect it.

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  30. I gave someone a second chance, too. After the offense I did leave him, and after he began to face his issues and make some permanent steps towards overcoming them, we decided to give our relationship another shot. I'd been skeptical, thinking that if it didn't work the first time, it wasn't going to work this time either.

    Even if it hadn't worked out I would have forgiven him, because everyone is flawed and makes mistakes. The difference here is that he learned from them, and he worked to prove that he could grow from those experiences.

    Now, after three years of dating, we're getting married. =)

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  31. Second chances? Not a great idea. I was toying around with the idea of giving my ex boyfriend a second chance(as he had cheated on me, and continued to deny it).

    After thinking, and thinking, I concluded : fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

    The choice is completely up to you. It takes a lot to earn trust back, ad I don't think I am able to forget.

    Take the chance, if you want. Do not be mad at yourself if it doesn't work it-at least, you tried.

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  32. Is he really worth the trouble he causes you?

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  33. I think you should reach a comprimise, maybe the reason he cheated is because he has issues he needs to deal with first.
    You should talk it out&ask why he felt compelled to be with other girls when you were there for him.

    I beleive in second chances because there'll always be a time in life when we may need someone to be forgiving towards our faults. But you should tread with care&always be mindful of what they are capable of.

    Best of luck.

    Thankyou LeLove for an amazing discussion topic <3
    x

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  34. I believe that everyone who is saying that they don't believe in second chances has never found themselves in this situation.

    I, myself, have. I always said that I would never stay with a person who cheated on me, but after hearing that my boyfriend of two years did so while I was away on vacation, I gave him another chance.

    It's going to be really hard, and there will be a lot of fights, but you can't help who you love. This is a site for hopeless romantics, and you should all realize that when you love somebody, no one can stop that love from growing.

    People make mistakes. It's how you deal with them that shows what kind of person you are. He told her about those mistakes, and therefore, I think he deserves a second chance.

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  35. When it comes to cheating, his next relationship will be his second chance. He already decided the current relationship wasn't enough. If cheated twice, he didn't feel guilty enough the first time to stop. To err is human, to forgive divine, but that's doesn't mean you have to sit and let yourself be taken advantage of. You can forgive him but recognize that you deserve more. Love is actions, not words or emotions. I hope everything works out for you, anonymous!

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  36. i do believe in second chances... but not when it comes to cheating. i believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." if he truly loved you, he would only have eyes for YOU! it would never even cross his mind to cheat. just my opinion...

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  37. I used to believe in second chances because I wanted to be with the man I loved. I learned my lesson the hard way. It happened again and again until he eventually left me and married the woman he'd been cheating on me with less than a year later. Cheating is selfish and evil and I believe 100% that when it happens you HAVE to run the other way and never look back. You may need to learn this for yourself, but I am an advocate for women and believe that you deserve the absolute best. This is NOT the best.

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  38. i believe in the power of forgiveness... it is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.
    second chances are a gift.

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  39. I do believe that in this matter everyone has his own point of view. I used to say I'd never forgive, but today I can't promisse anything. Sometimes a secound chance may be a new beginning and I really admire those who can forgive, in so many ways..

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  40. I can't say everyone here is wrong or right! But I think everyone is just over looking the simple fact to just let her love and make mistakes! It really dose not matter how you feel but about how the women in the email feels! Just let her live, she will learn how to deal with it in her own time...

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  41. I don't think you have to consider popular beliefs in this case. If I learned something with love is that each case is unique and that wagt matters is being happy with yourself and your relationship. If you can overcome this and find happiness again then go for it. It isn't easy but it can be worth it.

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  42. It really depends each individual situation, but in a romantic relationship, second chances should be used sparingly or not at all. The guy cheated with TWO girls - not just one. And one is one too many. I would be wary. If you (not anyone specific) have any respect for yourself, be strong enough to walk away.

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  43. Every situation is different.
    We don't know every aspect of the OP's relationship...and as a result i dont think that anyone here should be judging. Whether you cheated or were cheated on, or are just looking at this from an empathetic point of view, you should already understand that.

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  44. What he did is something that will happen again and again. If he could do in relationship with you, he will do this again now when you are gone to another country. Everyone deserves a second chance but it depends on the mistake. Being unfaithful is not a mistake, its a deliberate attempt. And surely that is not love.
    Its better you should leave him and move on. You are going to join a new school in a new country. Start afresh. If really he loves he will come back to you. Otherwise you will get someone else who will love you in a better way, the way you deserve to be loved.

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  45. If he cheated, it's because there's a problem, not because everything's going well. Something is missing, and he is looking elsewhere.
    No one wants to believe that this person that they care for would do that to them, I wouldn't either, but it is a definite sign that something has to change.

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  46. He cheated on you.
    Not once, but twice.
    With two different girls.
    What were you thinking?

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  47. I just want to tell: It's great, to get another chance. Sometimes, your relationship gets much more closer.

    I got another chance. I'm so glad about it.

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  48. i'm sick of reading these fucking stories
    they piss me off and make me feel even more lonely that i already am.
    just post pictures for God's sake.
    thats all we want. i can assue you.
    boring and illiterate stories are not something i want to waste my time looking at.

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  49. To the comment above:

    then don't read the posts.

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  50. i must admit i liked it better before with just pictures. because then one could put thier own words in place.
    but i will always return. this is possibly my favourite site.

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  51. i never believe in 2nd chance.. but still i love your love story....

    it was very beautiful and i think long distance relationship is quite hard to handle so im wishing you all best.. goodluck



    ____________________
    SEO Bicol

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  52. 2nd Chances are very scary. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it hurts more than the first chance. How do you decide?

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  53. I don't get why people have such a problem with stories. I return to this blog and don't have a problem with the stories. I just don't read them, plain and simple (mostly because I don't have the patience to.)

    I read this one and it was interesting to see all the people who refuse to give second chances. 3 years ago, when I was only with my boyfriend for a few months, I cheated on him. When he found out, he gave me a second chance. We went back to the beginning and got to know each other again. We're still together today and are planning to move in and marry soon enough.

    Sometimes, it might be worth it to give someone that second chance.

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  54. girl he's going to cheat on you over and over again, and i now this from experience. loved him, we went out for 3 years, cheated once, second chance, cheated twice, another chance, cheated again... now we're done.

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  55. I hope this works out for you - I had a fight with the boy I loved and later found out that when I left that night he was with a girl who I was friends with. We were already strained and I thought I would be moving interstate, so I ended the relationship (after giving him the chance to be honest). Although he lied, I still feel like I lost one of my best friends and one of the greatest loves of my life. He fought for me and gave up. Found someone else. By the time I realised, I was still in love with him, it was too late (according to him) I wish I had tried to forgive him and tried to trust him again. There are no strict rules and you can't let anyone else dictate the way you react. Even if it does hurt you in the end; that is your decision and your experience to have. I wish I had followed my heart, rather than everyone else's advice. Good luck. I hope he loves you and appreciates the risk you've taken in trusting him not to hurt you again.

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  56. i think sometimes (actually the majority of the time), your emotions take over and even though you always said you wouldn't give someone who cheated a second chance, love just doesn't always work that way. It takes a strong person to realize their life will continue and you will go on to be happy and find someone that WON'T do this. You have so much going for you! You got into the school of your choice and are starting a new life in a foreign country! There are so many exciting surprises to be had! Do not let this drag you down and ruin this experience. Move on with your life, because it seems he will too.

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  57. Why would you want to be with someone who did something intentionally while knowing it would hurt you? You say cos you love him still? What about loving yourself!

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  58. I once believed in second chances also.. Until I realised that the basis of any relationship is trust and once its broken it can never be repaired. Second chances, when it comes to cheating, are not worth the trouble.

    then again, you wont sit there saying what if?'. These things have to be experienced first hand to understand.

    x

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  59. Hey. I love your blog, but I have to say that the picture on this post is uncredited and belongs to a friend of mine. Would you mind linking back to his flickr and copyrighting it to his name (Juan Felipe Rubio)?
    Thanks!

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/sicoactiva/3822385828/

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  60. i've gone through something similar like this and well, i am a big believer of no second chances but when a crisis like this hit me, i gave my boyfriend a second chance.

    and now, we're doing really great, better than ever in fact.

    though it does not always happen. xx

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  61. i gave a second chance and he took about 65 more before i could end it. you didn't deserve it the first time and you won't deserve it when he does it again. end it.

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  62. chances are never necessary in a relationship because

    no matter how many mistakes he has made,
    no matter how many times he was unfaithful to you,
    no matter how many times he has hurt you,

    you will always accept,
    you will always forgive,
    you will always understand,

    and that is love.

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  63. i agree with sarahtay. its happened to me, i was incredibly hurt and that still hasn't changed today. but i reluctantly gave him a second chance and two years later we are literally better than we ever were before his mistake. you just never know..so i say, give him this one chance only.

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  64. I think you're setting yourself up for a fall (he already cheated TWICE), but... *shrugs* Good luck, hon.

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  65. Uh, yeah, you might want to reconsider this relationship. He's cheated on you twice and you haven't even left the friggin' country yet!

    What do you think he's going to do when you're actually gone???

    Loving someone is great and all, but you also need to remember to have love and respect for yourself.

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  66. his cheating has for the most part something to do with him. what was going on in his mind that made him want to do that? it could be something about a fear of being alone, or what not. but the truth of the matter is, until he deals with whatever motivated or triggered him to cheat, it will probably come up again. it's then up to the other person as to whether they want to help him figure it out or not.

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  67. i too belive in second chances. but i've been there. i was in a very serious loving relationship when i after 2 and a half year did cheat on my boyfriend with another man. i'm not proud of it. i'm just saying, you can love someone with all of your heart, but if you turn to someone else for one nights pleasure, somethings wrong. i still love my ex soo much. but that passion, and being I N love feeling is gone. that was why i cheated that one time. it wasn't worth it, but it gave me the answers of what was missing. and since your boyfriend did that twice, i think HE is the one fooling himself. i'm sorry.

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  68. we were together for 5 years. in our 4th year he had to move to another state. before that i found out he was 'seeing' someone, but the story was she was throwing himself unto him. fast forward a year later, i ended the relationship cos i tot the distance was getting to us. that was all it took for the can of worms to be opened. he has been cheating on me for the past year,leading me to feel neglected, and in turn, i did the same thing, but it ended as quickly as it started because of the guilt. i decided to forgive him because you can't help who you love, unfortunately. It's been 2 months now since the can of worms has been opened. the wounds are healing, but they are still raw. I went to see him recently and we have never been happier.
    In short, i never believed in giving someone a second chance after they have cheated, but you really can't help who you love. Only time will tell me if i have made the right choice, meanwhile, i am happy and that's all that matters.

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  69. PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR. ONE DAY SOMEONE MAY HOLD YOU TO YOUR OWN STANDARDS.

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  70. hmmm i can understand that truthfully but as a person who has been in well what we all would say relationship and in partnership crisis and a problm that sticks emotionally but how is it that if you caused it yourself the problems and issues but not because of them it was a personal problem and that yeah you can be human and not express those cause your afraid and it goes with anything that creates a barrier in these situatiopns..I may be wrong but its upta readers to say but yeah the situation changes from that point and the only thing is you loose that person if your mind aint right your emotions aint as strong to reality of one..chances are good but only if your mind and partners mind is working together as one body but as human my question would be over all how do you get the person you love and care for and the things you did and kept from her and it wasnt cheating on her it was personal problems where its being honest,open and so fourth but how can you prove it when ones mind doenst know what is best but confused cause they want both but well the reason is that they are confused cause they wanrt the both and know it doesn't work .

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  71. This boy started something with you while he was in a previous relationship... Then you two got together and he did the same thing to you...Except this time physically, kissing or whatever.

    I myself believe in second chances, but being in your situation before, the end result is never good and he won't change. I promise you. Trust is a bond made and once broken, forever broken.

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  72. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

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  73. Oh my god, there's so much worthwhile information here!

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