Tuesday, August 4, 2009

but this is it


photo: the known universe


I received this e-mail
:
I stumbled across your blog quite some time ago by accident and I have to say it's one of the most inspiring and touching things I have ever seen. After reading some of your reader's entries and dedications, I wanted to submit my own.

I have fallen in love with the man that two years ago was nothing more than my best friend, who I never looked at in 'that' way and who I was sure never looked at me like that. One drunken night later after kisses and tender confessions had been shared, our relationship was never the same and we became, well, 'involved'. We were never properly together although people at work and our friends always assumed we were and I always wanted more... I wanted him to commit to me, but he never would and to this day he never has. Our relationship has been so destructive to but at the same time, so perfect, so amazing that I couldn't hope for more.

When I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat, fingers entwined, I feel so safe, so protected and loved that I never want this feeling to end. It's clear to me now though, that he doesn't return my feelings, whatever he says, and that it's time for me to move on. Your blog has made it clear to me that I deserve a boy who loves me entirely and who would treat me right, and I hope one day to find one. I know it'll be hard, and it'll hurt like no other but I think this is something I need to do to save me from completely losing my mind.

As I sit here typing this message to you, tears run down my face and my lips tremble, I can't understand why. But this is it, and I thank you for it so very much. Goodbye Jason. However much I love you I can't continue being hurt and fucked around like this. We could've been so, so much more and we never quite lived up to our full potential, but I believe this is for the best. You made me a better person, you taught me things about myself that I never knew and you showed me how to love. You were my best friend, and you always will be, in a sense. Thank you for being a truly wonderful first love.

-A H-D

81 comments:

  1. that's so bittersweet

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  2. That's hard. I think this woman sounds very brave and strong. I once was with a guy (my first love) and I thought he was the most amazing guy. And like her, I felt so comfortable and safe in his arms. He taught me a lot but after 2 years I finally realized he was hurting me. Our relationship was not a fairytale.
    So I just wanted to say that this woman can do it, even though it'll be hard. I wish her the best of luck. And I really enjoyed reading her story. It was beautiful.

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  3. I can definitely identify with this girl completely. Bravo to her for being strong and knowing she needs to move on. I'm trying to be like that too and she's right, it is hard sometimes, but this blog inspires a person to look for the kind of love that is so frequently posted on this site and not settle for anything less than that. <3

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  4. Oh my goodness. This is so incredibly heartbreaking.

    Good for you, AHD, for knowing that you need someone who loves you as much as you love them! I turly hope you find that person! =)

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  5. :) I'm glad she knows what she wants. She deserves to have someone that treats her right. I wish I had the same courage.

    m

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  6. oh dear...finally realizing he's Not the one as much as you love him. my ex. siiighh. i still get angry cuz he led me on at the beginning to believe we could be so great. and just gave up on me half ways thru. all the luck in the world to her and wishes he pain wont be long

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  7. this is me right now.
    this made me cry.
    shes so much stronger than i am... i need to stop hoping.

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  8. Reading this is like reading my diary. My boy. My best friend. He just didn't want it as much as I did. There is love there but not enough. Good luck! I wish I had your strength. I'm still floundering.

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  9. Wow. It's like she wrote this letter for me.

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  10. I'm cryin',
    In my version of this, I'm Jason.
    I can't force myself to love him.
    I feel something on my chest as I'm typing this.. I need to see. I can't look anymore. I need to see. Never, will I allow myself to be blind again.

    Ps,
    You shine, A.
    Go find him, or better yet; let him find y o u

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  11. I know exactly how she feels :(
    But the fact that she was able to see this shows how strong she is and I admire her greatly for it!

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  12. I am going through exactly the same thing and I will move on although it is hard to see the path I want to chose right now,after 2 years of hope.

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  13. I have always seen this site, and look in it for reassurance in life.

    And I have to say, I have never stopped and cry for anything else quite like this...

    Because I cried the same tears, as I said goodbye to him today...

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  15. this entry encapsulates the last three years of my life, and i thank you A for giving me the wake up call i needed.

    i feel like we could be so much more but he'll never commit, and as scared as i am of not having him in my life, of losing those moments in the middle of the night when he's wrapped around me and i think this, this is why it's worth it, it's not. i'm tired of wasting my time loving someone so much who in all honesty couldn't care less about me.

    here's to finding the ones who are worth it.

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  16. Well, I have very similar situation about three years now.. It's hard, but I'm not that strong to let go.. Some nights I think that okay, stop Marion, move on, but when comes the day and I chat with him then I think again that, no I can't..

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  17. My 'jason' told me something that I think you should hear
    'none of this was your fault'
    Remember that.

    and thank you, this let me see i'm not alone.

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  18. i need to get some of her courage into me

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  19. Wish I could leave those foolish hopes of mine behind me too, and just move on..

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  20. Reading the first line I thought "Oh my, did I write this and sent it and can't even remember doing so?" But no, you decided otherwise than I have, maybe in a better way. Do everything to save your heart, it will be best.

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  21. This is so sad... But happy at the same time.

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  22. thanks. i needed this :)

    my best friend used to say he wanted to end our complicated friendship so he could preserve us. never really understood til now.

    you're very strong, and this is for the best... this way, he'll always be that special one that made you self destruct :)

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  23. cheers to you, and you will find that special boy who deserves your love.

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  24. i love your honesty. something pure touches the heart of so many...obviously.

    i wish you the best, and may someone wonderful be sent your way the minute you are ready.

    i think so many readers have experienced something similar...you're quite amazing to post. good luck to you...i hope you find the things that make y ou smile in this as well, AHD.

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  25. This is exactly what's going on with me right now... i wish I had her courage. Slowly I try to pull myself out of it but it's hard.... I can't let go but I really hope I soon will.

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  26. wow. that's my life story.
    and i hate that it is.

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  27. This was so beautifully sad, I felt this ache inside me and started to cry as soon as I was finished reading it. This was truly touching, stay strong.

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  28. so much of this blog makes my heart bleed, and it often makes me wonder if i've ever been in love.

    after reading this letter, i realize i have been in love. with a friend like you're jason. he is 100% goodness, and my heart swells whenever i'm with him. but he'll never be mine.

    the nights together are perfect, and i'm thankful to have them with someone i feel so much love for.

    and i'm thankful to have felt love.

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  29. Gee...I think we've all been in this place at some point. Saying goodbye is tough. Pain is tough, but so is love.

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  30. I recently lost the love of my life and it's heart breaking to think that people change, and sometimes a bond that was once so strong is now broken. Like A-H-D, I could no longer accept someone else treating me like shit. As hard as it is to grasp how someone who loved you so deeply could become this, self worth is more important. I hope anyone who reads this finds the love of their life, and it lasts forever. There is nothing more important in the world!

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  31. Lovely blog! I think that adding those stories is a great idea! I bet everyone wants to write one now! :)

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  32. 6 years- and im too scared to say this to myself.

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  33. i did the same thing yesterday.. you're beautiful you're strong its gonna be hard but don't turn back!I'm so very proud of you!

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  34. yea, similarly I have a crush on my "friend" but he's not into it...grrrrreaaat. AND, one of my "friends" has a crush on me, but i'm not into it...

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  35. ugh. why does this happen so often.


    at least she's doing the best thing. hope she makes it. much, much love.

    xoxo

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  36. This is an incredible email. As I read the entry, I can't help but wonder if it's almost my own life appearing on screen, written out vicariously through the words of another.

    Sometimes you wonder how you'll be able to let go and move on, when what you're holding onto is the everything you've always wanted. And then all it takes it something very simple, like the beauty of this blog, and all of its pictures, that reminds you, that yes, you can. And yes, you will.

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  37. All i am asking now is: -How you could've been so blind..?-
    I mean about his feelings towards you..

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  38. Here are some quotes for you, A. I think you'll find your second love (when you find him when you aren't looking for him) to be even stronger and much healthier. At least that's the way it worked out for me.

    One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love.
    Elizabeth Aston, The Exploits & Adventures of Miss Alethea Darcy, 2005

    from http://www.ex-designz.net/articleread.asp?aid=3446:
    When a woman loves for the first time she thinks 
that that man is the only one on the earth and 
she has no choice, without him she is lost. When 
she loves for second time, she knows that there 
are a lot of other available men but she is 
CHOOSING to be with the one she loves, because he 
is the best for her.

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  39. Thank you for posting my email, it's sad to read so many comments from people who are just like me.

    We'll get through it though =D
    As for being blind? Yeah, i was, i'll always be the first to admit that. But when you love someone so much your feelings make you blind. Jason used to have strong feelings towards me which i didn't return, but the tables turned all at the wrong time.
    Everything was the wrong time. It just didn't work out, but life goes on...

    One step at a time.

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  40. My heart identifies with this story. It was but 2 years ago, that I was where she is now. I was so afraid to let go of this perfection that I had created in my mind. To this day, I still have a tough time somedays wondering what could've been.

    But I met my husband soon after I ended it with the man that would never love me and that would never be mine even though our relationship transcended space and time. I have the most amazing relationship with my husband. He is my true soulmate and he is my eternal companion. I am so blessed to have let go when I did otherwise I would have missed the love of my life.

    Hold your head high. And remember that love finds you- not the other way around. You deserve the best and someone who would give you their whole heart- not just their arms.

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  41. I feel for this girl, I went thru the same thing, and even tho I have a boy that could love me as much as I could love him, I still hold onto the boy I love and who doesnt love me.. ;( But Ill get through it, we all deserve the best!

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  42. You are so courageous and strong for getting up and walking away from something that was so comfortable and good. Now, I hope you find a great love - someone who will make you feel new every day :)

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  43. Went through the same thing 4 years ago. In love with someone now who loves me back, the way I deserve. Hang in there.

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  44. i did the same thing a month ago, i'm still in complete depression and cry everyday. this is really easy to relate to, and very inspiring how strong you are.

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  45. I'm in the exact same predicament right now. This toxic thing I've hada with this boy is crumbling all around me, I can no longer pretend that we're something that we aren't. I can no longer pretend that he cares for me when he doesn't. It hurts to realize that maybe he's been using me this whole time, but that doesn't stop me from loving him.

    This entry is so absolutely perfect. Thank you for being so strong, and in turn giving me the strength to do exactly what you're doing.

    I need to say goodbye and move on with my life too.

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  46. wow, that was incredible. it gave me massive amounts of goosebumps and tears in my eyes. this was so wonderful to read and I'm so happy that this girl has come to realize how amazing she is and to seek a man that will love her in return. that was perfect. thank you.

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  47. I felt the same way when I came across this blog.

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  48. A,
    I completely know how you feel. I went through the same thing (everything seemed perfect, he just wouldn't commit) but I have to say the whole situation has made me stronger. You will feel that way again. It's also helped me realize that the "friendship" part is the most important part of any relationship and I've made it a point to only date men that I could first see myself being good friends with.

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  49. Wow. All I can say to her is that walking away is the most loving act you can do for yourself. That guy who will love you like you need to be loved is there and you will meet him.

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  50. I'm going through/have been going through the same thing for the past 5 years... I just can't seem to stop hoping...
    Thank you for sharing so we could glean some of your strength.

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  51. This was very touching and surreal to see that sooo many people have this same situation...funny because in that situation you always think this is hard because it's so damn special! really it is very destructive, but you are brave and I am going through a similar situation, you have given me encouragement to push through another day. love will come again <3

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  52. i just went thru this a year ago and i've finally immersed out of it.. and wow...

    a friend of mine is going thru something similar and she asked how she stops loving him.. and i said, 'by loving yourself more' and that's what you're doing.. all of you.. congrats..


    on a different note, i wanted to share this..http://www.theairbornetoxicevent.com/tag/william-garvey

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  53. When I read this story, I felt like A. was telling my own story, and this is not a good thing huh ? I think that I gotta do something about it but...sh*t... it's so HARD! This made me cry... I don't really know how he feels about us, I mean, as a couple, we talked about it only ONCE, and switched the subject of conversation in a minute... Everybody tells me " WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR TO DATE HIM ?! " Haaa, if it could've been that easy...

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  54. i can relate as well..... but it just started. i dunno. love.. is cruel and kind. not just one but always both

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  55. oh its heartbreaking.. I've recently been there, I told my best friend I liked him more than a friend, but he didnt return my feelings. Sad, but you need to look forward!
    Hope she finds her love some day:)

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  56. This is so sad. Unrequited love. However, it is the reverse for me. My current boyfriend and I were great platonic friends for a few years before I started dating him.

    It was a mistake. I thought that my platonic feelings for him would change. I do love him deeply, but not in the way I should love a boyfriend. Fast forward many years later and I look at him as a good friend that I love very dearly. But I don't look at him as my lover.

    I don't want to break his heart and break up with him. But I know I have to. We're wasting our time with each other. He deserves so much better. I just have to find the courage to break up with him.

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  57. first post on this blog to make me cry. i know the feeling well.

    best of luck.

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  58. the story made me cry,

    the comments made me realize i am not alone.

    <3

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  59. Very heartfelt post, something that I can relate to. An unappreciated love is one of the worst things a lover could ever experienced. When we give a certain amount in a relationship, we never asked for much but just for our other half to give at least 60% back or at least appreciate it based on their actions.

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  60. you are not alone, im not alone, we are not alone. but what do you do to end a destructive relation like this? how do i end mine? to erase him from my mind?

    the most hard thing for me is to know: how do i move on..

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  61. i just can send some positive energie to you, to find the 'true' love, the 'whole' love.
    be strong...

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  62. Wow, I'm not the only one pulling together the courage to let go. When it's all said and done, you just have to take it one day at a time.

    Great post.

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  63. This quote came to mind as I was reading this story....

    "Loving someone who doesn't love you is like reaching for a star, You know you will never reach it but you got to keep trying..."

    Thanks for sharing !

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  64. So beautifully sad. The boy I met was heartbroken and in trying to pick up his pieces I fell in love and gave up everything for him. He considers me his best friend and says that way he can keep me forever and if we were together we wouldnt last forever.I think it's a lame excuse. I neet to let go. You are so brave.

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  65. ouch, it was sooo saadd.. hopefully she can move on and find someone else who really loves her sincerely because she deserves it :D

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  66. This was so moving and yet so hard to read, because I've been there. Maybe we all have. It's so hard to see that we aren't getting all we deserve sometimes. I give her so much credit for being brave enough to be honest with herself.

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  67. If I were to read this half a year ago, tears would probably be streaming down my cheeks already as I was stuck in the same comfortably destructive situation with this guy whom I was so in love with. His actions were always contrary to the sweet words he'd assure me with to keep me hanging around.

    Half a year later, I no longer have to deal with all the hurt and pain hanging on has caused. I've met that one guy who'd give himself wholly to me and shows me that he loves me full heartedly. He showed me what I deserve & has always been there for me no matter what. I believe that one special guy will appear in time for her too. :)

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  68. this was my exact situation three months ago. we finally broke it off and I've had my share of great times since, but there's always a moment, a day, a week that I can't help but think about him constantly. he sucked me into the relationship when I wasn't ready and then he ends up not loving me enough? life just isn't fair sometimes but these true love stories keep me thinking it all happens for a reason.

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  69. wow it's so amazing to read this post, and all of these comments, knowing that there are so many more people out there who are in the same hard and difficult situation. i am not quite there yet, but i know the guy i'm falling in love would never feel the same head-over-heels love as i do for him.. nor look at me with "the look", the only way i can look at him. if he lived near me, we would spend every minute together talking, and i know he wouldn't mind the idea of going out. but never ever would he love me at the same level i would love him.

    i've only known him for about six months, but i think about him constantly. and it's driving me crazy. only last week did i let myself get past all the "ifs" i'd been telling myself, and realize that he would never go crazy over me, and i shouldn't have to try to make him. finding this post is giving me the hope and strength to deal with that truth. thank you so much<3. i am finally ready to start getting over him.

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  70. a similar thing happened to me... i fell in love with my best friend, while he was going out with another of my friends. after they broke up, we kissed a few times, but it became clear that it didn't mean anything to him, and i needed to move on.
    your blog shows people what they deserve, and i thank you a hundred times over for that.

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  71. i feel a bit like that sometimes. amazing girl

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  72. i am in almost the same predicament right now & can understand just how hard this is. i hope both of us can find the strength to move on & find what we really deserve.

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  73. Similar to what I went through - my best friend turned boyfriend and the best year of my life ended with me coming to the realization that I could never be what he deserves.
    I guess it was the opposite to your situation - I could see that I was only slowly hurting him.

    It's a shame though, that the reason that I could not receive his love was because of my inability to love myself. A worse shame that now that I am 'better' neither of us could bare the torment of breaking up again and so we don't risk it - even though both of us so badly want to do so.
    So I am left with neither.

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  74. i've gone through something exactly like this. for 2 years of my life, i felt that this person gave me the most happiness and the most pain i've had to endure. and when i though it couldn't get any worse, he left me at the drop of a hat.

    i share your pain. and you do deserve someone who will love you and accept you and would want to take care of you. someone whose happiness requires your own. :)

    and after the tumultuous period of picking up the pieces of my bruised ego and shattered self, im happy to tell you that i've met someone amazing. :) someone who isn't afraid to tell the world that he loves me. i pray that it won't be long before the one for you surprises you too :)

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  75. Poor Baby. We all know how she feels, don't we?
    If she's strong enough to admit to herself that it's not right, then she's strong enough to make it through this. We don't know you, but we'll hope for you, darling.

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  76. I went through the same thing a week ago. I still cry every day, think of him every minute, but reading all these posts made me feel better. We will recover from that.

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  77. I can't believe how many people have felt this same way. I am living this feeling as we speak, on an emotional rollercoaster, trying to read mixed signals and losing sleep while I over analyze mundane details of our day-to-day life.

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  78. this makes me think of this book i am reading about these types of relationships, this type of connection...
    www.myheartgotmarried.com

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  79. this is sooo me! the story is quite similar to mine and the boy's name is also Jason. this post is kinda freakin me out.. but i still don't know how to let go..
    i think time will answer. we only have 8 months left before i moved to other country for my university..
    still...
    still he's the one in my head.. *sigh*

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  80. This post is truly inspiring... Sometimes, we tell ourselves the exact same things, but never act upon them. Seeing these words– alive, in a sense, from another person... it hits home...
    In my situation, I'm a Jason (though I'm a girl), slowly falling in love for a guy that admitted to loving me. I'm not a committer, but he had me believing so. He's my best friend, and losing him... I don't even want to think about..
    But there's a girl in his life that is convinced she's in love with him. She was, before, actually, and ended up hurt when the two of us started dating.
    They recently got closer... she thinks I'm not in the picture anymore. & I don't want to hurt her.. again.
    I have to break it off. clean cut. He means more to me than I think he understands, but I can't do this anymore.. It's like living a lie. I love him, but he deserves her. I'm tired of being the middle, and I don't want him to have to choose. I need someone who WANTS to be with me. completely, irrevocably...
    I'm holding on to someone I don't even have.

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